Talon's Humor

[Announcer] Welcome to The Travel Show, this time we are in The Netherlands. Here's your host! [Talon] Hi, I will be doing the talking today since I'm from Dutch Heritage! We dutch have curse words about regular things that use genital parts... But especially about the weather we have words that contain infectious diseases. Like no other language on earth do the Dutch use body parts, animal names, diseases and body parts to describe certain situations, it's like a national sport. You might call us barbaric, but don't do that, the Dutch people will insult you with a combination of genitals and infectious diseases and might even add some animal names. We will continue this in depth story after the commercials... [Announcer] Hallo, Am I pronouncing this right? ...Hallo Nederland heeft strand en verscheidene hotels, wij heten u welkom! What the hell did I just say???

Don't let age bother you! When you socialize with your peers, people of equal age, you add nothing. When you socialize with elders and the youth you're able to bring knowledge from the elders to the youth while learning and cultivating yourself at the same time... ~Talon 2019 AD

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Several caged midgets were freed today at the visiting circus that is currently performing in our town. Chaniqua is at the scene and has the inside scoop! [Chaniqua] Good evening, apparently we had a case of caged midgets in our very own town. They were locked up by the other circus people after the midgets started to form a union. The rescued fifteen midgets were not available for commentary as they still had socks in their mouths. It took five hours to free them all, because the circus owner threw away the keys. The question remains is why had the circus owner fifteen tiny cages set up before the planning started... [Talon] Awesome reporting and an intriguing question of which we will keep you updated. Next up, an insane alchemist has been arrested for killing many many goldfish, he supposedly was trying to turn the fish into actual gold animal rights activists groups report. More on this after the commercia...

You thought babysitters were there for the children, the internet proves that wrong and points out babysitters are very popular among adults. It has gotten to the point where I'm ordering a babysitter and act surprised if there's no happy beginning, middle and ending... Last night one ran away crying, I was sure I had ordered the right type of babysitter... *calls* This is 1-800-BABYSITTER, how may I help you today? Well uhh... Yes? I'm looking for a babysitter! Yes, that is why we exist as a company. Do you have any blonde babysitters? Does she need to be blonde? Well it sure helps, does she provide the services I see so much about on the internet? What kind of services? Well you know, the kind that makes me happy! Oh sure, she's very good with kids! Kids? No I don't have any kids at home! Then why do you need a babysitter? Why do you think I need a babysitter? To watch the kids you don't have? Exactly! What? What? I'm getting confused, do you or do you not...

This shit right here, is ROC, Real Original Content!!! [Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your favorite host!!! [Talon] Several teens have been hospitalized today for suspected seizures, in the end it became clear they were doing the Techtonik Dance. This however was hours before the fact and at first they were given heavy sedatives and were salivating like crazy before fainting and getting rushed off to the hospital. Chaniqua, my dear chocolate bonbon? [Chaniqua] Hi there creamy ass motherfucker, well apparently our local youth imported an international dance that looked more like seizures than actual dancing, local paramedics rushed to the scene. The youth was uncooperative so they used tazers and stun darts to put an end to the chaos which was mainly caused by flailing arms!!! [Talon] Great reporting as always Chaniqua, next up a story about a senior citizen named senior senor who used to be a tenor... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AE71bpcZOos

[Rupert] I try to be a friendly kitten, but most of the times those leeches copy me and I have to turn into a lion and tear them to shreds. I take no pride in it, but if they take away which I take pride in I turn violent and just can't help myself meow. Yeah I know, people think they can fuck with me because I seem to be just a cat meow. But I will remind them that cats have sharp claws. See, I have been sharpening them these last few months meow and will sever a jugular within a second meow. My stance on copyright protection, what use is protection when you cannot attack meow... Don't be affraid meow, I'm just proving a point meow... No Mr Officer that's not blood on his shirt, it's just ketchup from his hamburger meow, listen to me meow, I'm just trying to prove a point to meow... No that's not a bullet wound, that's a pickle on his chest... Are you blind Mr. Police officer? [Officer] What did you say? [Rupert] So you're hard of hearing as well, s...

Salmon Salad for french bread and toast... 1 small can of salmon, water based. 4 eggs 3 tablespoons of mayonaise, maybe one more, you decide 1 small tablespoon of ketchup for the color few pinches of salt little bit of pepper Boil the eggs, cool them down and fragment them with two forks Open the can of salmon and put the juice in a little bowl, then use the 2 forks to remove the fish bone while the content of the can is on a plate. Then use the forks to mash the salmon, add the mashed eggs, mayonaise, ketchup, salt and pepper. And most important of all, add the juice you took out of the can to the mixture as it contains a heavy salmon taste making this salad really salmonny tasting... [Asian AD Man] The taste is in the juice, Ancient Chinese Secret. Don't tell anyone, seriously, don't tell anyone or I'll murder you... [Disclaimer] This man did not speak for our network, sorry, but seriously, make and enjoy this delicious salad you can put on french bread... I...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Maxis Jaxxon] Welcome to todays show where you are the main actor in this whole game of life. It is up to you dear viewer to save society as a whole. Nevertheless do I have a scoop for you loyal Datawarriors. Today a deranged mentally retarded scientist discovered the improbability atom, the science community saw this outcome as improbable, they never expected that Doctor Derange Dureau would discover the atom as a probability. You see, this is a mega atom. When you throw this atom into a conversation or situation things will become improbable, and no one knows where it will end. You could enter a friendly conversation and be beat up the next minute, things are that improbable. Is this all a hoax concerted by our local government, that is probable, but I'm asking you to think about the probability of whether this is probable or not. The show will probably continue after these commercials? [Maxis Jaxxon] Do you sometim...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your top host!!! [Talon] Today a traffic jam occurred after several cows escaped from their meadow and walked onto the interstate freeway... Some chocolate company painted them lila which confused drivers even further. There were more 1-800-EMERGENCY calls for help with confusion than there were actual car crashes. Chaniqua is as always on the scene, Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Thank you Talon, I'm here at the site. Here's Harry who collided with a cow. [Harry] Oh man, Chaniqua, I'm so confused, this one moment I was driving on the interstate, the next there was a lila cow on the hood of my car and I was lucky enough my airbags worked. [Chaniqua] Sounds terrifying, you have anything to add? [Harry] Yes, please call an ambulance I think I have broken or bruised several bodyparts... [Talon] There you have it people, broken and bruised bodyparts. Next up, a toddler broke into Area 51 and stole a UFO and is currently hovering over intern...

I might start doing dutch versions as well, at least 2 dutch women had the following comment, I have read your whatsapp message, but I am unclear as per what the content means. All the while they claim to know English. I can order a coke and and ashtray at an italian restaurant. Uno Coca Cola et uno portatjenere per favore (incorrect spelling, sorry), but I do not speak Italian. I can say help me in Japanese, Taske Teh, but in no way shape or form do I speak Japanese. I'm so tired of all these Dutch people claiming to know the English language, but fail to understand the first sentence that comes out of my mouth!!! ;Editorial note, this will mean jokes will be localized, the theme will be maintained, but not everything translates directly into dutch...

[Announcer] Welcome to Live News, here's your host!! [Talon] No time to spare since the commercials took a bit long, here's Chaniqua! [Chaniqua] The professor who claimed to have invented time travel has been found dead in his freezer clinging onto his TV remote with his index finger on the fast forward button. This came as no surprise as he was deemed a bit crazy by his community. [Local] Yeah I knew that whitey with his white beard and weird hat, always claimed to be some kind of professor. Anyway, the mail kept piling up on his driveway so I went to investigate. It was then when I found the nutty professor in his freezer. Why he left the front door open remains a mystery to me. Sure was handy in finding him. [Chaniqua] And what did you do then? [Local] Well first I robbed the place, took everything of value and took it to my home, wait, is this being recorded? [Chaniqua] No, worse, this is live! [Talon] The best and worst things in life always happen live, this is proof of t...

[Doglover Announcer] We all love housepets, have you ever thought of a house of a pet? We have neither, and that's why we are presenting you the latest technology has to offer. A see through dog, yes, it's a see through dog. See how it's begging for attention right before your face and you can still see the remote!!! Call 1-800-ICNODOG today for our latest offers... [Doctor Voice] Nine out of Ten children recommend more candy per day, consult your child today and make a difference!!! [Disclaimer] This advertisement has been approved by the local candy factory... [Announcer] Tonight on SDIA, an in depth exploration of homegrown terrorists... [Soundbite] [Terrist] Yeah I want to buy some fireworks, what is the blast yield on this firecracker? [Fireworks Shop Proprietor Joe] What blastyield? [Terrist] Exactly, but between you and me, whats the blast yield? [FSP Joe] Sir you are scaring me? [Terrist] Seriously, I was only talking about the blast yield, not the victim count!...

[Soundbite] Shut the fuck up you bitch ass nigga!!! Hey, I find the ass part offensive!!! Oh, I'm sorry, You Bitch Nigga!!! What the fuck, you wanna throw down bro? What, did you call me bro, I find that offensive!!! [Announcer] See it all tonight on Cultural Aprropriation Daily where we look at the ins and outs of current society, don't miss it!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to Gaming Insider Super Ultra News, or GISUN for short, here's your host! [GISUN Host] We are taking a look at Trans Fighters Pro Extreme II today and will bring to you the highlights. [GISUN Dude] Have you seen the fake boob physics? [GISUN Host] Yes those implants behave very realisticly. [GISUN GAL] I just love they included the it's Ma'am man, this dude can seriously throw punches like no tomorrow. [GISUN Host] Yes I agree, he's, oops, I mean, she's the best fighter in the roster. I just love the It's Ma'am move where you pull your opponent towards you like Scorpion in Mortal Kombat... [GISUN Dude] I know right, the masculinity just oozes off that special move. [GISUN Host] We will be back after the commercials... [Announcer] Available soon, GTV VII, Grand Theft Vehicle Seven, live it all, kill pedestrians, fuck whores and disrespect parents...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your favorite host!!! [Talon] Good afternoon and welcome dear viewer, today we have a story regarding vegetables, Chaniqua has the inside scoop! [Chaniqua] Apparently someone has used vegetables as a weapon, I'm standing here with a survivor of the assault. [Survivor] Yeah I was just standing here minding my own business, then this white dude approached us and started beating people with an oversized cucumber screaming feel the wrath of genetic engineering. All in all it was a bizarre experience, first of all I've never seen a cucumber this big and second of all. Have you ever seen someones face smashed in by a vegetable, I hadn't till today. [Chaniqua] Shocking statements by a survivor of the assault! [Talon] Were there any casualties? [Chaniqua] None as of yet... [Talon] I like that, as of yet, builds suspense... Next up, a story about a blind man who got his pilot license... [Announcer] Have you ever wondered where the toma...

[Serious Disclaimer Voice] This program contains partial nudity, full nudity, strong language, even stronger sexual content, foul language, prehistoric humanoids, terrible phone reception and a gate to the darkest pits of hell... [Announcer] Welcome to The Bizarro Zone, where all your troubles melt away replacing it with fear of the unknown. [Iglesias Morrato] Tonight, we go deep into the unknown and will be covering the topic of aliens... this is The Bizarro Zone and I am your host, Iglesias Morrato. [Soundbite] That one night, I woke up in the middle of the night, walked into the yard. I don't know if it was the light activated by the movement sensor or an alien spaceship, but when I woke up I had a clear recollection of it I swear... It was like I had communicated with the beyond... [Announcer] This program will continue after the commercials... [Announcer] Do you fear spiders? Out now, the anti spider spray, also works against all other living beings. It has the most toxic co...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Welcome people to the news, do we have a story for you, Chaniqua my beloved piece of dark chocolate? [Chaniqua] Shut the hell up you sad excuse for mozzarella, anyway, it seems the escaped mental patient slash burglar has struck again. The local city to our south has been victimized. Items were stolen from the major's office and he was served tea before the burglar escaped. The major took 2 lumps of sugar with his tea and was satisfied with the cookie assortment. [Talon] That's just wonderful, anything to add? [Chaniqua] Yes, apparently he left a note that the butler burglar as locals call him now, will strike next in the local village north of us. [Talon] Watch out local village to the north of us, you might get served tea and cookies. It seems nowadays no one is safe anymore. We will be back after the commercials... [Sexy Womans Voice] Have you ever eaten a hamster loaded with chilli? [Asian AD Man...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host! [Maxis Jaxxon] People, you don't have to believe me, always do your own research even though it's impossible in most cases. Well... I have it on good authority that something will happen somewhere local sometime today. I'm not at liberty to divulge this information, but we will keep you updated as things move along. Okay, what I can tell you now is that a man has entered a local building, yes a man has entered a local building. We will now go to commercials and will update you on the event, remember, that is not taking place, updated as things progress... Do you wake up in the morning, open your eyes, and see things like colors, shapes and forms? If you do, call 1-800-ISEESTUFF for a second opinion on how well your eyesight is. Your eyesight takes 50% of your energy usage, it is really important to take good care of your eyes. So I'm introducing Datawars Eyewash Extreme Pro to combat the government's att...

Association by participation, this is the subject that is forming current opinion, people go to great lengths. Here is an interview with a vegan nationalist. [Vegan Nationalist] You see, Adolph Hitler ate bread, you don't see me eat any bread. All the while, you all are eating bread like there's no tomorrow. Does that mean you approve of his message, of course it doesn't, but it sure as hell sends a message. It was only 75 years ago when Hitler last ate a Schnitzel. Do people eat Schnitzels today, yes. Do they approve of his message, I don't know, I did not ask. And therein lies the problem, I DID NOT ASK...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Hi there and welcome to the news.Today a man once recognized as a madman, has won the Nobel Prize in the area of Math. Chaniqua has the inside story, my dear chocolate delight? [Chaniqua] Hey there Chalky. This is a special story with a good ending for all those involved. Apparently he was once committed to a mental hospital spouting endless numbers, now it is clear he was counting and pronouncing the number that solves all mathmetical problems to date. This once perceived lunatic is now seen as the greatest mathematician as all time. Unfortunately he is also deaf and mute so no interview could be conducted. [Talon] Thank you Chaniqua! Some people won't shut up, others refuse to talk, what a world we live in. After these commercials we will delve into the mating habits of chimpansees... [Announcer] Mother too loud, Father uses violence, Sister talks too much??? Call 1-800-LOCKEMUP, commit your family membe...

[Announcer] Welcome to SDIA, Special Documentary Inside Access. Here's your top host!! [Talon] Hi, I'm Talon, you might remember me from other SDIA episodes or even the evening news. This is Jimmy, our intern. [Jimmy] Hi Mister. [Talon] Hey Jimmy, so glad you're back from the hospital. See this heavy backpack Jimmy? [Jimmy] Speak a little louder sir we're in an airplane. [Talon] Jimmy, recognize this backpack, you and me are gonna wear one. But I do have some bad news, there's a risk to your backpack, but I will get into that after we've jumped. [Pilot] Okay skydivers, we're at the dropzone, please jump now, jump, jump, jump. [Talon] This is Talon mid air, you might remember me from before the commercials or even News Live, anyway, you see Jimmy Skydiving over there... Yes people there will be a lot of diving... [Jimmy] Mister, mister, I have pulled the second cord but nothing happened... [Talon] Ain't that beautiful people, Jimmy is actually skydiving w...

[Maxis Jaxxon] This people is a Big McHamsters, you see that? You see that? You have probably eaten them, but there is more to it. You see the outside buns are representing as the government while the sesame on top is representing government workers and other officials, suppressing you, keeping you below them, keeping you contained. The middle bun is representing the government employees in their free time acting as a ear for the government during off times. The lettuce represents the money people make, while the pickle represents coins, the savings of the upper middle class, also their real estate and such... And what's on top of that Burger which represents the masses. Exactly, onions, and  the onions represent the tax collectors. The cheese represents the governments cheese, it's wealth and we all know what the Big McHamsters Sauce means don't we. It's all so obvious ain't it, I see it now clear as day. So people watch out for the Big McHamsters sauce, all Datawa...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now! Here's your host! [Maxis Jaxxon] Hello fellow fighters for life, freedom and prosperity. Fellow warriors and datawarriors, do I have a message for you today... I'm walking on the beach near the ocean, and the waves made me think. You see they go backwards and forwards on a constant pace of motion. It's like Eb and Fload happen at every beach! But can we be sure, have you been to other beaches around the world. I haven't and neither have most people. Don't you understand man, or woman. The answer lies at the beach, there we will find clarity of mind and finally unraveld the unpenetrable conspiracies that affect our local country. And it is up to you the viewer, think about it, plan trips to beaches around the world. We will be back after these commercials... [Maxis] Have you visited all beaches in the world, no and neither have we, now introducing Datawar Travelling, plan a trip to the beaches of the next country over for only...

Tonight on Documentaries Gone Wrong a Documentary maker walks into a den of lions and starts to scream facts about their habitat. The confused lions decided to eat this person. See it all tonight on Documentaries Gone Wrong, don't miss it!!! [Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Maxis Jaxxon] Welcome people on this beautiful day, I smelled roses today, you know what they smelled like? Like shit because the neighbours dog decided to deficate on my lawn the god damned mutt. Anyway, while we're on the subject of poop, let me tell you this story. It is said that our local septic pit will reach groundwater level within five years. You can almost smell it right now when you let the faucet run. Local authorities deny that this is a problem, but if we do not act now, within five years your cooked food will actually taste like shit whether you're a professional cook or not. We now turn to our reporter at the scene... [Female Reporter] Well I'm standing...

Geffrey, what is this plank doing agains the door? Security measures! What? What? No I said what, why the hell do we need Security measures. Beats me! What? It was rupert who advised me to do so. Rupert, Rupert, where is our kittycat? Meow... Rupert, why the hell do we need Security measures on our front door? Oh, it's the Jehovas, they're doing their rounds again today. I always have a hard time to crush the heart of the little one they use as a social shield... Let's just watch TV or something... Who peed on the carpet? Why are you asking who dad. Mark, I'm not in for a joke right now! Exactly, then why do you ask who, while you should be asking what. What? What what? I said, why do you even ask when you know it's gotta be the puppy. Rupert is housebroken, mom does not pee outside the toilet, neither do I Jack and Caitlyn. Did you pee on the carpet dad? No. Then it can only be the puppy right, why the hell ask questions of who did it when you know it's gotta...

Missed the first part, then read the lower part first... We now go to News Live, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Breaking news people, we will now get some inside information regarding the would be terminator corpse in our local forrest. Chaniqua is at the scene, and what seems to blending in with the background. [Chaniqua] That's black sand you mayonaise colored asshole. Anyway, I'm standing here with Ranger "Triggerfinger" Scofield, Ranger, what can you tell us... [Ranger Scofield] Well uh, I was walking through the woods doing a routine check if everything was allright. The local ranger was not there at the time of my encounter with this terminator. [Chaniqua] Sir you do realize that it turned out to be a local villager. Did he point his shotgun at you? I don't know it all happened so quick, he had red glowing eyes. Those were laserpointers. Okay, but that does not take away the fact that he was naked and screaming I'll be back in the middle of th...

♪ I don't care about history, to me it's all a mystery [Caitlyn 12] ♪ I only worry about my homework tomorrow, it feels my brain with sorrow [Jack 14] ♪ Don't worry about things like tomorrow, say is there some money I can borrow [Mark 16] ♪ Ohwell you silly cat tell me more about life ♪ Is it merely joy boredom and strife [Geffrey] (The dad) ♪ Why the hell am I the last one that gets to speak, If I were a bird I would would peck you to with my beak [Marjory] (The mom) ♪ Hey wait a minute this show isnt about silly old me, its about us humanity being what they could be [Rupert] (Cat] Everythinng is allright kitty now that I am here, Im rupert from the FPA, Feline Protection Agency... Rupert, Rupert, wake up... meoooow, I just meow was experiencing a wonderfull dream. Why did you wake me. You forgot didn't you... forget what... no seriously tell me, I can't remember right meow. We're going to the vet for your checkup... normally I run away when I have to g...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!!! [Talon] Welcome people, do we have a story for you tonight, Chaniqua is on the scene in our local forrest. Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Welcome here in our local forrest where a stranger than fiction story took place. What was first thought to be an inactive terminator has now been designated as a human corpse with 2 prostethic legs and one prosthetic arm. The local forrest ranger had the following to say. [Forrest Ranger] I swear, it looked like a terminator. The many mechanical components led to the belief we were dealing with a terminator instead of a human with prostethics. The fact that all his prostethics were chrome coated and he was lying naked wearing a leather jacket and holding a shotgun. So you see Chaniqua why it was easy for to determine we were dealing with a human corpse. [Chaniqua] Has the man been identified yet? [Forrest Ranger] Not yet, but there aren't too many people with 2 prostethic legs and a pro...

[Informercial Voicer] Well have you ever heard of Muhakazashi Knives, well me neither till I started cooking with Muhakazashi pans, they have the best kevlar non stick coating in the world and don't you forget it. It's Muhazakashi Pans and Cookery... You see normal knives push down on the ingredients as you see here. And now look at this, beatiful slicing by the one and only Muhakazashi Knives from the Cookery set that is only available now. See how I slice this onion and now this... Aaaargh, I sliced the same finger off. You see people, these knives are so sharp that I sliced off one of my own fingers during this live presentation once more. I sincerely hope that does not deter our potential customers... Someone please call 1-800-EMERGENCY right now, I'm bleeding like a crazy... [Announcer] Pleae stay tuned of more wonderful ideas and new products after the commercials...

[Maxis Jaxxon] I'm walking through the park in this early morning and I'm contemplating about life and destiny. And then a bee landed on my hand which turned my world upside down... Point the camera this way, you see this people, that's a bee. And what do bees do? They fly from flower to flower and pollinate yes, but what does it do that benefits humanity. It makes honey, exactly, they make honey. Since ancient times honey has been classified as something that beneficial for your health. But where does the bee fit in all of this, that is the real question! Have you ever had honey in your life, and I mean real honey produced by local bees which we exploit to the fullest. You see we produce our own local honey which will benefit your immune system. Because it's locally produced it will be more expensive than store bought honey, but hey I have an operation to run. Call 1-800-DATAWARS now or visit our online shop www.datawarsshop.local. [Asian AD Man] You can also order at ...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Live, Chaniqua is on the scene... [Chaniqua] Apparently a monkey has escaped from the zoo, and not just any monkey, it's a demented chimpansee armed with a napkin. Local authorities have been updated on the fact that the chimpansee has a napkin. Zoo personel has 2 jeeps dispatched into our city with sedative ammo. Two hours ago it, I mean she, took a glass of water from a terrass... Personel and visitors were shocked and a trauma recovery team is underway. Back to the monkey, it's now classified as a fugitive and has been placed on the international watch list and suspected to be armed with a fully automatic assault rifle. Though highly unlikely that the Chimpansee will catch a flight airfield security has been increased, even though a Chimpansee is not able to order plane tickets. The price of latex handgloves and vaseline soared today on the stock exchange. I'd like to wish you all a pleasant flight, but that is highly subjective for you all so...

[Serious Commercial Voice] Does it ever rain outside your house, while it is dry inside your house. You're on top of things they say while you're in a staircase. You think you're going left while actually going right... Call 1-800-INEEDMENTALHELP now for 15% off with coupon code CUCKOO It's Mexican Week at McHamsters, Crispy Crunch Hamsters with loads of Salsa Dip for only 7.99 Moneys, call 1-800-MCHAMSTERS or order online at www.mchamsters.local. Our motto, if it ain't got Hamsters, we ain't selling it!!! [Soundbite] Aaargh, Aaargh, I broke my leg...  Don't worry now that I am here... Who the hell are you if I'd might ask. My name is Doctor Hospital, the one and only... Oh my god, the pain is gone for a minute, you mean, you are THE Doctor Hospital... Yes, would you like an autograph?? [Announcer] See it all tonight in the next Doctor Hospital, the ultimate reality live TV show with no fixed camera angles that all those other fake shows use...

[Rupert] Wow, this is good stuff, I'm so chilled out right now... what's that weird noise coming from the river... *Rupert approaches the river* Hey that looks like some puppy drowning, I don't like dogs, so... The hell with it, I'm not going to let a puppy drown, I see it in the news already... "Cat let puppy drown on purpose*... *Rupert jumps in and saves the puppy.. [Cute Vetenarian Assistant] Thank you so much Rupert. [Rupert] Don't mention it, seriously don't mention this to anyone. If word gets out there'll be hell to pay. [Cute Vetenarian Assistant] But why Rupert, you rescued a puppy from our local river. [Rupert] That's the thing, we're at war with dogs so if word gets out I rescued a puppy all the dogs will have a field day with it, cats as well. Therefore I need this to be kept under wraps. [Cute Vetenarian Assistant] You're such a silly kitty Rupert. [Rupert] I know right, keeps me awake at night, seriously this really keeps me...

[Informercial Voicer] Well have you ever heard of Muhakazashi Knives, well me neither till I started cooking with Muhakazashi pans, they have the best kevlar non stick coating in the world and don't you forget it. It's Muhazakashi Pans and Cookery... You see normal knives push down on the ingredients as you see here. And now look at this, beatiful slicing by the one and only Muhakazashi Knives from the Cookery...Aaaargh, I sliced my finger off. You see people, these knives are so sharp that I sliced off one of my own fingers during this live presentation. I sincerely hope that does not deter our potential customers... Someone please call 1-800-EMERGENCY right now, I'm bleeding like a madman... [Announcer] More wonderful ideas and new products after the commercials...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Welcome to the evening news, hope your day was okay! This man's day clearly wasn't. Chaniqua is on the scene and has the details, Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Yes I'm here, apparently a man woke up from narcosis while having minor surgery. Due to the narcosis he forgot he had a surgical operation thought he was abducted by criminals trying to harvest his organs. He ran 5 Miles, 8 Kilometers through the city screaming they were after his liver till he collapsed in the public square. He is currently recooperating from his operation and doing well. [Talon] Must have been a real situation over there, thank you for that amazing reporting Chaniqua! And now a story about an elderly woman shooting at what she claims are UFO's... [Announcer] We will be back after these commercials... [Soundbite] You see these pictures of what looks like birds, they're not, they're UFO's I swear... I still have ove...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Welcome to the News, we have a story of full recuperation for you. Chaniqua my dear chocolate delight? [Chaniqua] Thank you you mix of chalk and magnesium powder. Apparently today a handicapable man became cripple again when he fell down the stairs... Doctors are working on him as we speak... Doctor Hospital is on the case and predicts he'll "walk" again within six months, Doctor Hospital had the following statement... [Doctor Hospital] Yes, this is Doctor Hospital, not just any Doctor, and not and Hospital, but the actual Doctor Hospital at your local Hospital. Don't forget to tune into my show next Tuesday. No, no, I don't take cream with my coffee... Ohwait, is the interview still rolling, all I want to say is that the cripple is in good hands... [Talon] You heard our dear doctor people, he is going to be all right, next up a capybara that only eats carrots when it rains...

[Welcome to Interesting People. Today we will cover a senior in our local old folks home has gone demented and senile, however no one dares to tell him. [Talon] Hi, I'm Talon your host of today. Today a local senior who has gone senile and demented emerged from his freezer claiming he discovered a new cooland liquid called ice water which he harvests from actual ice from his freezer. He has claimed many patents today and no one at the patent office dares to tell this sweet old man he's just taking ice from the freezer. We will keep you updated as this story progresses. And now a story about a blind chipmunk that overcame all odds and learned to partially read braille... [Soundbite] Why is there barely any blood on my burger dad? That's not blood son, that's ketchup [/] [Announcer] Now at McHamsters, the Hamster Burger with free extra ketchup, order now at www.mchamsters.local or call 1-800-MCHAMSTERS...

[Announcer] Welcome to Live News, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] A new harmful substance was found in a local chemistry basement, or what the police would like to call a druglab. Experts claim it makes you really really really, is the teleprompter malfunctioning? [Cameraman] No, keep rolling... [Talon] really really really high, like square root high with 2 decimals... People are advised not to take the drug that is called Ultrasniff, yes people, the latest danger in our society comes from Ultrasnif. It's a light green powder that you can find in 2nd street ask for Carl... What the hell??? [Cameraman] Sorry, it seems our intern is high at the moment... [Talon] You people, our people, do you even realize that this is live??? Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] ... [Talon] Oh great, now I'm really on my own doing this show. People, I'm going to skip the weather and make sure our feature movie starts right now. This is going nowhere... [Announcer] After this commercial break we will...

[Geffrey] I don't know how to say this other than there's something special in all of you, I know this totally comes out of the blue... [Marjory] There is toothpaste on your lip, Geffrey, Geffrey, there is toothpaste on your lip... [Geffrey] Oh thanks Marjory, now I have lost my train of thought... It's like I'm forgetting something important. What's the opposite of nothing, it must be something. Something, anything, thing, things, stuff, necessities, basic needs... Beer, beer, honey, we're out of beer, be sure to stock some up when you go shopping. [Marjory] Sure my dear...

[Doctor Hause] There are just too many bulletwounds, there's no way we'll ever keep him alive... [Doctor Hospital] Fear not you medic as I am here at the scene, Doctor Doctor Hospital. I will save this man even if it's the last thing I do, not because my last name is Hospital, and not because my first name is Doctor, but b... [Nurse] Doctor, we seem to have lost the patient... [Announcer] See it all tonight on the hit TV series Doctor Hospital... (There are already 2 DH episodes/references I think, this isn't a full show...)

[Serious Disclaimer Voice] This program contains nudity, strong language, even stronger sexual content, bad dog owners, actual dogs, a Helicopter and a dismembered bodypart yet to be identified... [Announcer] Welcome to The Bizarro Zone, where all your troubles melt away replacing it with fear of the unknown. [BZ Host] Tonight, we tackle a story that has yet to be told to us, humankind, this is The Bizarro Zone and I am your host, Iglesias Morrato. [Soundbite] If puppies go to heaven, I'm going to hell... What the hell, what am I doing at the dog pound?... Woof woof, hey you, woof woof... [Dog Pound Worker] You can bark all you want Scrummy, but that won't help you get out of here... [BZ Host] Aren't we all Scrummy on the inside?? [Announcer] This program will continue after the commercials... "There's a puppy licking your right ear, you wake up in a meadow, that's actually a spaceship on your toothbrush. There's no escaping because no JetPack is working...

When I fight with words it's like I'm wielding Tectonic Plates!!! I'm the cat everyone loves but really hates... Listen to the wisdom in my chosen words... There's truth even though it hurts... ♫Rupert... I don't scream I yell, I have a story to tell... I need to catch a flight, I need to get out of sight... Don't matter which side you're on, this is war it is on... So all you dogs better beware, this is Rupert and don't you dare... [Female Chorus] ♫ There has never been a cat like this, if you shoot at him you'll miss. This isn't your average diss track, fuck with him your yard'll turn into Iraq

[Announcer] We now switch to a live update [Chaniqua] ...You know I had coffee and a donut this morning and it didn't sit well... Wait what, are we live? we are live! Hello people, here I am live at the scene, this is Chaniqua reporting for Channel One on this cold cold friday. Don't get me wrong, the weather is nice out here. Today is the day that our local Ice Cream Vendor celebrates it's 50 years of existence and is giving out free ice cream. Local scavengers, sorry I mean opportunists, I damn I mean freeloaders... Uhm local shoppers have flooded to the ice cream vendor causing a traffic disturbance. [Talon] Sad, sad story, what people won't do or cause for something free these days. That looked more like a Zombie Apocalypse than people in line for free ice cream...

[Geffrey] *Sigh* There's nothing on TV at the moment... [Rupert] Did I ever tell you about the time I had sex with an actual female Lion? [Geffrey] No, you haven't, but I'm not looking for a trauma at this moment in time... [Rupert] I dig you, it was over as quick as this conversation, we animals are pretty effient in that manner... [Geffrey] I thought I said stop, but no you had to settle me up with a trauma, I don't want to picture you with a female Lion. [Rupert] Did you say picture, here look I have some... [Geffrey] Oh dear God no, please release me from this situation... [Rupert] Oh, pff, control yourself, we're the only ones at home and you are above 18 aren't you? [Geffrey] I have 3 kids... [Rupert] Then these pictures shouldn't be traumatic, see how I climbed her, given the fact that she's a lioness that's pretty impressive right? [Geffrey] Please help me God and deliver me from Rupert.. Rupert trying out for a Demo in the attic... ♪ A ...

[Announcer] Welcome to Weather Today, here's your host... [Host] We're all going to die, look at these charts, they're insane... [Female Crew Member] Sir, those are reports from Mars... [Host] I knew that, all will be sunny today, some minor windgusts here and there. Nothing special. Now let's look at tomorrow... Run for your lives people, the end is near!!! [Female Crew Member] Sir, that was the weather on Venus... [Host] What the hell is happening here, I'm getting wrong charts at every turn. Okay people, tomorrow will be partially cloudy with 70% of the time sunshine. All will be well, tune in tomorrow for Weather Today to get your daily dose of sunshine. Wait that ain't right, it's your daily dose of weather forecasting. Though I must admit that Daily dose of sunshine does sound nice, yes, let's go with that. [Announcer] Due to the prolonged weather report the movie of tonight has been postponed till Saturday night 1AM, we appreciate your understandi...

[Announcer] Welcome to this Infomercial... [Infomercial Voice] Someone once said only insane people would buy my merchandise, I went out to prove him wrong, and I did. Welcome to Crap Imporial, where we sell trash for cash. You bring shit, we pay you a bit. We are located behind Main Street in our local city, open from 8AM till 5PM. [Asian AD Man] You buy now!! You can also order online at www.fookyoo.local, remember, Fook Yoo!! [Announcer] Out now, Lootbox Extreme for the Switch, PS4 And XboX One. For all you gambling needs!!! Only 59.99 Moneys, but you'll be spending thousands if you want to complete it... What, I shouldn't have said that out loud, who the hell airs a commercial live, okay that does it, I quit...

[1-800-EMERGENCY] Hi, this is Emergency Services, how may I assist you? [Rupert] Harrison is at it again... [1-800-EMERGENCY] Hey Rupert, you okay? [Rupert] Yeah somewhat, somehow... [1-800-EMERGENCY] Please talk louder I can barely hear you over all the shooting and screaming... [Rupert] YEAH, I'm okay, demented Gramps down the street is at it again... [1-800-EMERGENCY] I see, the elderly demented senior in your street is parading in the streets again with his fully automatic assault rifle sharing ice cream with the local children? [Rupert] Yeah, as usual, we still on for poker come sunday evening? [1-800-EMERGENCY] Hell yeah man, anyway, what shall I send? [1-800-EMERGENCY] Preferably a squad car, but an ambulance will do. Thanks bro! [1-800-EMERGENCY] I have sent for an ambulance, will be there in 15 minutes, see you buddy... *click* Commercial Break [Soundbite/Court hearing] At what moment did our defendant scream, and I quote, "You fucked up bitch ass Nigga"? Ple...

[Serious Disclaimer Voice] This program contains nudity, strong language, even stronger sexual content, senile elderly, parrots, trailblazers and Nazi's [Announcer] Welcome to The Bizarro Zone, where all your troubles melt away replacing it with fear of the unknown. [BZ Host] Tonight, we tackle a story which has no equal in all of existence, this is The Bizarro Zone and I am your host, Iglesias Morrato. It all began during the second world war where the Nazi's tried to create the ultimate bunker complex where communication was relayed via parrots and the senile elderly. The project ultimately failed and the parrots remain silent to this day... [Announcer] This program will continue after the commercials... [Announcer] Do you sometimes have sweatty balls? Look no further and go for our special ball drying blowdrier which will dry your balls within a couple of minutes. Order now for only 34.99 Moneys at www.fookyoo.local, or call 1-800-FOOKYOO. Remember, always Fook Yoo!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!!! [Talon] Welcome and greetings to you this evening, something regarding our major has occured and Chaniqua has all the details... [Chaniqua] Well apparently today our local major has been saved by a gunshot to the chest... See, his arteries were clottering and his main artery was about to erupt when a deranged illegal immigrant armed with a sawed off shotgun fired at the major in a pit of rage. The "immigrant" was shot by the police and is also in intensive care. This might all sound like bad news, but the good news is, is that the major went to the hospital. He already had ignored several checkups and his cholresterol values were way too high. It was at the Hospital where Doctor Hospital discovered that his arteries were almost fully clogged up. The major is recuperating and is receiving all the treatment our local hospital can bring. The doctor had the following statement...[Doctor Hospital] No, no, this w...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Welcome to the news people, today is an exceptional story about criminality mixed with the utmost cuteness. Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Well, apparently the police have finally arrested the puppyburglar. He robbed so many houses that puppy food went up 2% in price. You see, everytime he robbed someone's home, he left a puppy behind as his calling card. Citywide dog ownership has gone up 5% during his reign of puppy cuteness. Police issued the following statement... [Police Spokesperson] We are sorry to confirm the burglar has escaped, but people... Look at this cute little puppy, isn't it mega cute... [Talon] Well, we lost a suspect, but gained a puppy, I can see the merrits of this. Next up, a monkey turned ninja escaped the zoo and robbed a local convenience store... [Announcer] Want to present yourself as a five year old child or a 34 year old woman. Heck, you could even present yourself as the lokal milkm...

Humor comedy Impressions Impressive, see there's the word I was seeking... (Addendum: 151 Posts as of now, all original, trying to be funny, content, no repetition whatsoever, if and or when you do see it, please contact me as I'm trying to be original as fuck) [Announcer]  The most popular burglar in human history has been arrested, the puppyburglar. You see, whenever he broke into someones house, he left a puppy to soothe the pain of material loss. More on this during News Today with your favorite host Talon!!!

[Geffrey] I'm getting french bread from the local bakery... [Marjory] Sounds great dear, then I shall go to the convenience store and get some frog salad... I know how much you love frog on your bread I hear you moan with every crunch... [Geffrey] Yes, Honey, I love frog salad on my bread, see you in fifteen minutes... *Rupert turns the TV on* [Announcer] Order now, frog salad, delicous frog mixed with herbs and spices which spreads wonderfully on french bread. [Chinese AD Man] Fook Yoo, seriously, Fook Yoo and only Yoo. Order now at www.fookyoo.local or call 1-800-FOOKYOO, use couponcode ILUVFROG for an additional 5% off your order... [Rupert] This sounds great and all, still figuring out why they replaced the Hamster Salad. I bought that item daily and still it was somehow not profitable enough. Like how they are selling less and less Salmiak. Geffrey, Geffrey, before you go... [Geffrey] Yes, Rupert? [Rupert] Get me some Salmiak will ya, and oh yeah, I'm almost out of F...

[Announcer] We at something burger guarantee nothing as we provide you with hamburgers made from chicken, cardboard and spices... [Chinese AD aMan] You buy now!! Order your "burger today" and enjoy a 15% discount with coupon code ISHOULDNTEATTHIS at www.fookyoo.local or call 1-800-FOOKYOO, remember,alwaýs Fook Yoo!! [Rupert] Seriously don't order, I have tried it and you have to seek for the meat taste between the cardboard taste, that's also a reason I side with McHamsters...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your top host! [Maxis Jaxxon] Have you ever eaten an apple and truly looked at it? It's curves and texture. And don't disregard the taste... Apples are green people, get used to it. You know what's also green? Grass! And I don't mean weed, I mean actual grass where people play soccer on. Have you ever seen a soccer ball, it's round people, don't you friggin get it, a ball is round. This is truly an artifcial assertation! My great grandma told me soccerballs are oval, she said God came to her in a dream and said soccerballs are oval, true story. Off course those who disagree call oval soccerballs rugbyballs, but you don't even want to go into a discussion with those morons, everyone know that soccerballs are oval. Yes people, I'm taking an unpopular stance, please bear with me, I will be back after the commercials where I sell you stuff you don't need... [Maxis Jaxxon] Seeing people stressed bothers ...

[Announcer] Welcome to our Racing Event, here's your host... [Host] Someone today nearly escaped death, and my nearly I meant nearly. [Witness] Yo I saw this Monstertruck come from around the corner advancing towards us as 75 Miles an hour. This bystander who became a victim of circumstances looked upon the track and saw this monstertruck coming right at him. Instead of jumping or running he foolishly started making selfies with the advancing Monstertruck advancing in the background. [Host] They even used to use this footage at the hospital to detect possible bone fractures. Truly amazing footage indeed, let's all light a candle for his family... [Geffrey] You see, it's no longer about racing, it's just a compilation of crashes, I don't want to watch this anymore! [Rupert] What about those pit girls? [Geffrey] I already have on in the bedroom and her name is Marjory! [Ruptert] True that, no discussion there...

*Some soldiers run across the scene on TV*... [Geffrey] You can clearly see they're standins, where's the main actor?... [Rupert] He's the one running the clumsiest among all the others... [Geffrey] You mean the weirdo with the blonde wig... [Rupert] Yes, that's the one, thats Harrow Barrow. Really, I wouldn't have recognized him. [Geffrey] What's a 78 year old actor doing in a war movie? [Rupert] I don't know, seems they're re-hashing old actors into new movies cuz they can't come up with new ones that could matter... I mean, the next Terminator will take place in an old senior's resort, how far will they stretch this all? No one knows, and I hope we will never figure out...

[Announcer] Welcome back to todays Conspiracy Now, here's your host Maxis Jaxxon!! [Maxis Jaxxon] You know how you used to draw clouds blue as a child, it's the sky that's blue you dumbass. Don't you people get it, clouds are white. This is where it all gets interesting. You see, clouds are sometimes also grey, grey people and you better believe it. You know what's also grey? Reality! Like it's with the bacon. You see, you think you know what the bacon is but you really don't. Seriously, do you even know what the bacon represents, we all know about the egg so that is not the issue at hand. Bacon comes from pigs, they live on a farm, a farm is located in a country, that country is part of the Earth. Are you starting to see, are you really starting to see?? You see, it's worldwide man, there's farms everywhere. Sorry I'm running of tangent here, let's get back to the main subject. But first we take a commercial break [Maxis Jaxxon] Don't ...

[Announcer] Here is an Olympic News Update, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] due to popular demand the Olympic Commity has decided to bring back Harrier Jet Swordfighting. For those who don't know, it's a four man's sport. You have the pilots, that's two. And the swordfighters, that's four. During the event the Harrier Jets will go airborne, float next to each other. And two swordfighters duel it out on the wingtips. Truly an amazing sport, and due to the drone technology we get the best footage ever. That is not all folks, this season we have added beavers. Beavers you ask? Yes Beavers. Each swordfighter gets one beaver which they can throw in order to bring the opponent out of balance... Don't miss it!!! Remember, Fall Olympics runs from 23 September till the 7th of October [Announcer] We'll be right back with Conspiracy Now after these commercials... [Sexy Female Voice] Don't you just love ice cream, look how it melts all over my body, doesn...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Maxis Jaxxon] Welcome to the show, yesterday when I drove to work I saw a chipmunk and it reminded me how the small things in life really matter. And then this morning, when I had bacon and eggs I realised we all need to reconnect with nature. You see, the eggyolk represents the sun. And the egg whites represents white clouds. And we all know what the bacon mean don't we fellow Datawarriors. You see, the government does not wat you to know about the bacon, it's their best kept secret. Listen to me, I need you to understand, this knowledge about the bacon needs to be passed on to your children and grandchildren... You see it's all about the bacon. All this talking about food is making me hungry, we'll do a commercial break. We shall do a poll in the meantime, what does the bacon mean to you? [Announcer] We will be back after these commercials...

[Serious Disclaimer Voice] This program contains nudity, strong language, even stronger sexual content, blood, cows, musquitos and steak [Announcer] Welcome to The Bizarro Zone, where all your troubles melt away replacing it with fear of the unknown. [BZ Host] Tonight, we tackle a story which has no equal in all of existence, this is The Bizarro Zone and I am your host, Iglesias Morrato. It all began with a cow in a meadow with a chainsaw attached to it's head. It freed the other cows and they rampaged through the city. And no, I am not talking about Spain. This happened here in our local city 35 years ago. [Announcer] This program will continue after the commercials... [Commercial Voice] Hi there, does anyone in your family have diabetes? Why don't you get diabetes too!! Order now at www.fookyoo.local or better yet, call 1-800-CANDYSHOP

[Soundbite] People, I don't want to bring you this news or confer this to you, but Earth is in danger... Today our first TV broadcasts reached the star system Ontario Versius Eight and the inhabitants were none to happy as their GPS grid malfunctioned and seven million Ontations died in "car crashes". Right now an intergalactic fleet is underway to lay waste to our planet. Parents do not try to save your childen, none will be saved. This is truly the end of humanity!!! [Announcer] See it all tonight on Earth Shattered, the new blockbuster TV serie that will blow your perception of what is possible... [Announcer] Earth Shattered Season one is now available on DVD and BluRay for only 34.99 Moneys. Order now, Fook Yoo!! [Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Today the local government decided that lootboxes are gambling, making the majority of games for adults only. Chaniqua is at a game store, Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Well, apparently c...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your top host!1 [Maxis Jaxxon] You see this? This is a strawberry! Watch closely and determine it's color. Exactly, it's red. You know what's also red, the pen I make corrections with. So what does my red ballpen has to do with strawberries? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Well, that is a lie people. You see people, plastic is made out of oil and what do oilworkers also eat? Exactly, strawberries!!! You see, it's all interconnected!!! There is a constant in this universe that rules all, whether it's strawberries or my red ballpen... That reminds me, we are now selling Datawar Ballpen's, 6 for 15.99... They aren't refillable, but hey I have an operation to run. Call 1-800-DATAWARS or visit www.datawars.local to order our pens for only 15.99 Moneys... [Asian AD Man] You buy now for 5% off at www.fookyoo.local, remember, Fook Yoo and only Fook Yoo!!

[Welcome to Olympic News, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Today the Olympic Commity has been sued by asian people for including basketball into the olympics with their main complaint that the baskets are placed too high and have issued a petition to allow math into the olympics as a form of mental gymnastics. The Olympic Commity has started an investigation into the situation and will come with an answer within a weeks time. Remember, from September 27th till October 7th the Fall Olympics will be held in our local stadium. One of the main events is our next subject, Olympic Leafblowing, more on this after the commercials...

[Announcer] Welcome to SDIA, Special Documentary Inside Access, today we will be testing airbags for children. [Talon] Hi, I'm Talon, you might know me from shows like News Today and News Tonight and other SDIA documentaries, today we will be testing a new product and luckily Jimmy was recently released from the hospital. Our local car manufacturer has developped an airbag specialized for children in the back seat. Jimmy here is going to be our test pilot for the untested prototype. [Jimmy] I'm here mister, I'm ready. [Talon] Okay Jimmy get into the car. You see that wall over there? [Jimmy] Yes mister. [Talon Well the car is going to crash into that wall and then you will be saved by the airbag. *Jimmy gets in the left back seat and the car starts* [Talon] Hey did we put kid airbags on both sides? [Test Mechanic] What? *Car starts to move* [Talon] Hey did we put kid airbags on both sides?? [Test Mechanic]No, just the right... [Talon] Jimmy, Jimmy right side, right side *ho...

[Maxis Jaxxon, The host of Conspiracy Now] I'm doing a vlog here walking through the forrest. Look at that people, that is moss and it's green people. Moss is green and the leaves on the trees above me are also green. What does it all mean? Seriously I have no idea what it all means, there look straight ahead with the camera, they're bushes man, bushes. And you know what, they're also green. You know what's also green, the color of the army. You have to ask yourself the question, what does moss have to do with the army? I know it sounds insane when you really think about it, but it is key to maintain perspective. You see, it's not just the moss, it's also the leaves man, don't you get it, motherf***ing leaves. Sorry I cursed, I shouldn't have done that since I try to keep things family friendly. Like yesterday when I pushed a toddler aside to get myself a candybar at the register, I apologized and paid for that delicious chocolate treat. It contained...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! {Maxis Jaxxon] Today I went into a grocery store and this man behind me looked at me like I was insane when I started to talk about the coming Hamster revolution. He asked me about the weather and I replied it would be cloudy since the government is spraying chemtrails across the sky to subdue the Hamster revolution. The more sunlight they get, the more dangerous they become. Have you ever encountered a rabid wild Hamster on a sunny day, well I haven't... Seems they like the shade, the real danger comes when the sun goes down. At night these rodents become ten times more dangerous, there are even reports coming in of hamsters carrying knives and guns. Like last week, when I did my jogging routine I saw a Hamster carry an actual .357 Magnum. It scared the hell out of me, and so it should do to you as well. Therefore I will give you a discount on Hamster Traps of 25% for the next two weeks. Call 1-800-DATAWAR or order onli...

[Announcer] Welcome to todays show of Conspiracy Now, here's your Host!! [Maxis Jaxxon] Welcome fellow patriots, today we will delve int advanced robotics. Look at this leaked video footage people, really look at it... You see how robotic he moves, no, how robotic it moves. People, fellow Datawarriors, my compatriots in the fight against evil. This is not a man, this is an actual terminator people, just like in the movies. See how his eyes are red when he looks at the camera. There can be no doubt about this fact people, no doubt at all, THIS, IS, A, TERMINATOR. Let's go to a caller... [Caller] Hi, that was me, I went to a costume party and decided to go as a terminator... [Maxis Jaxxon] Don't believe his words people, this is clearly a PSY OP to confuse the public so we will remain unaware of Terminators in our midst... [Maxis Jaxxon] Order now for only 12.99, Vitamine Mega Plus. Sure, you'll pee out most of the vitamins, but hey I have an operation to run. Order now...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your top Host!!! [Talon] Today a tragedy occured as the pilot and owner of the keyboard and mouse controlled prototype aircraft crashed into a building. This fairly recent inventions unfortunately came with some bugs and errors. The last thing of the black box recording before it crashed was... [Black Box Recording] Okay, I'm nearing the local city over. Hey, the altitude meter is off, I need to land over. Aircontrol are you there? Over. Yes, we see you over the city, please fly at a higher altitude, you are nearing the city part with high rises. Over Good thing you said that, I'm actually on a collision course with one of them. Damn, damn it all to hell, there's not enough mousepad to elevate enough. Aaaaaargh *Boom*. [Talon] There you have it people, if you start making airplanes with PC control, remember to install a Joystick!!! After the commercials we will discuss the implications of IBM technology in the hands of chickens ...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your Host! [Maxis Jaxxon] Fellow local countrymen, dear patriots, friends, family, the neighbour that secretly pees in your mailbox, do I have a message for you!! Have you looked at strawberry lemonade lately fellow Datawarriors, it's red. Don't you get it, it's red people, strawberry lemonade is red. You know what's also red. Exactly, Ferrari's. Now ask yourself the question, what do Ferrari's and Strawberries have in common? Exactly, absolutely nothing. And there you have it people, that is just what you think and you've got it all wrong. What do people eat at Ferrari sometimes in their private life? Exactly Strawberries, see there is a connection there you only have to look hard enough. And what has that to do with anyting people, you don't get it do you. Absolutely nothing, yes people, it has absolutely nothing to do with anything anytime or anyplace. You see, that's where they get you. You see, t...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Good evening people, do we have footage for you today. Chaniqua our beautiful lady is on the scene, Chaniqua my precious chocolate delight? [Chaniqua] Hi Talon, is that make up, white paint or your actual skincolor I'm seeing on the side screen over here? [Talon] Well, I do stay out of the sun mostly... [Chaniqua] Hey, I asked you a question, not your life's story!! Apparently there was a misunderstanding, it went as follows. Here we see an unidentified cat wielding a 9 mm pistol at the person behind the counter at our local gas station. He kept saying, I want my money, I want my money. Apparently the suspect was innocent, he was pointing his mobile phone at the register and was singing along with a music stream on his phone. The elderly near blind gas station employee mistook the mobile phone for an actual live firearm. The now innocent suspected suspect was scratching on a lottery ticket and assumed ...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your host!! [Talon] Welcome dear viewer, this is a story about chickens once more, Chaniqua has all the details... Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Hi... Apparently the chicken community has bought a personal computer with internet service as they created a www.youstream.local channel and uploaded a video wherein an airborne chicken goes airborne and released an intercontinental ballistic missile it carried in it's claws. The implications of this news, or upload if you'd like to call it are truly earth shattering. Now it's not just sidewinder missiles but actual intercontinental ballistic missiles. [Soundbite with german accent] Ze implicatzions of zis are truly great, but we muzt keep our headz calm in ze face of such a threat. [Talon] Thank you for the update Chaniqua, we will keep you apprised as the story continues to evolve... And yes apparently the chickens are evolving as well. Next up, a story about a cow that Moo's on demand ...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Maxis Jaxxon] This is Maxis Jaxxon from the Datawar representing Conspiracy Now to the fullest. This story requires your full attention, if you can sit down... I went to the bathroom this moring to pee and my pee was yellow people, yellow, don't you onderstand, my pee was yellow. The government likes you to believe it's otherwise but don't be fooled my fellow patriots. We all know the color and what it means. But seriously, what does it mean, have you ever thought about what it means, and I mean really thought about it. We all act like it's normal, but we, the Datawarriors know better. We know that pee is yellow, I want you to open your window, stick your head outside and scream PEE IS YELLOW... This news has to be delivered to every man, woman and child. It's truly earth shattering news, I mean, who would have thought that pee is yellow. Even in my wildest dreams I couldn't picture it. Okay, we'...

[Announcer] Welcome to an Olympic News Update, here's your host!! [Talon] Do you like to see athletes have accidents and end up for months in the hospital or even meet their maker, tune in this fall into the Fall Olympics. Last year we had Olympic Freestyle where one person ran around flailing his arms while another was hopping around on a pogo stick... Well this season will be even wackier... From the twenty third of September till the 7th of October... This event sadly will not feature helicopter or harrier jet sword fighting. We have replaced it with something new amazing super secret that I will leak now. Basket Cat... Yes people, we have replaced the basketball with a cat. See you this fall, don't miss it!!! [Rupert] I'm not sure how I feel about this... [Geffrey] What Rupert? [Rupert] I have received an invitation to do volunteer work at our local Olympic Stadium from the 23rd till the 7th, seems kinda fishy to me meow... [Geffrey] Why do you keep meowing nowadays R...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Maxis Jaxxon] Welcome to the show people, or should I say revolution. Today I have a special message for all our viewers and listeners. There is an enemy in our midst and it's name is McHamsters. You see, there are rumors and reports that the cages used at McHamsters are of inferior quality allowing Hamsters to escape. Yesterday when I went jogging I saw a Hamster with a .357 Magnum cocked and loaded, you should have seen the way it looked at me. Like as in you eat at McHamsters one more time and you're mine, feel lucky punk? Well, do you? Lately I have been wondering, how is it that water is wet. I'll open the lines now and let the callers chime in on this. [Female Caller] Maxis, I love your show, you're the true patriot of our nation!!! [Maxis Jaxxon] Thank you, go ahead... [Female Caller] Yes I will, you see, I love Hamsters and support them fully, they're just too cute to be food... [Marjory] Caitl...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Today a confused priest was arrested by the police, he ran through the streets of our local city screaming the power of Christ compels you. [Chaniqua] Hi everyone I'm here at the victim support center surrounded by crying children. They simply weren't mentally prepared for a screaming lunatic. Even when the police was at the scene the priest started sprinkling holy water on the police officers. It was then that they decided that this man needed to be interrogated for further study into the paranormal. You see it wasn't the regular police but some off branch that nobody knows off who quickly took over the investigation. [Talon] Amazing reporting Chaniqua, as always. People, now I will have your attention for the following, chipmunks in heat... [Soundbite] Not wantzing to changze ze past, is a reluctanze to changze in ze prezent! [Announcer] Tonight on SDIA Special Documentary Inside Access, Timetr...

The world is meow nigga get back Don't fuck with my meow the gage is racked About to drop the bomb I am the motherfucking meow Big meow in a small meow Now the feds want to throw the meow at the meowmeow But I meow they worm and they hook Guppies hold they breath they want to meow me When I am tipsey meow Running everymeow west of the Intercity Its the unseen pulling strings wit my kitty claw We got your meow so pucker up Fo we meow her up Bow down before I make a meow meow Got 25 cats running up on y'all Fo the cheese we want them mice Everybody freeze on ya knees, meow naked please Before any of you meows get heart Meow rewind my part and (Meow Down) You see, I'm putting back the meow into meowmeow. It's really simple you make a meow and right after that you make another meow, which results in a meowmeow. Don't be fooled, the meowmeowmeow is much much harder, almost impossible but I can pull it off, listen. Meowmeowmeow, see? ;Working on Episode...

♫ This is an invitation to my gangsta nation ♪ Shut the fuck up you disney ass motherfucker ♫ Nowadays You're just a cheap ass imitation ♪ You used to be real now you're just a sucker

The world is mine meow get back Don't fuck with my stack the gage is racked About to drop the bomb I am the motherfucking meow Big meow in a small meow Now the feds want to throw the meow at the meowmeow But I meow they worm and they hook Guppies hold they breath they want to meow me When I am tipsey meow Running everything west of the Intercity Its the unseen pulling strings wit my kitty claw We got your meow so pucker up Fo we meow her up Bow down before I make a meow meow Got 25 cats running up on y'all Fo the cheese we want them mice Everybody freeze on ya knees, meow naked please Before any of you meows get heart Meow rewind my part and (Meow Down)