Talon's Humor

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your Top Host!!! [Talon] Welcome and a good evening to you all.Yesterday a deranged cow escaped the local farm and got lost in the corn field. People are still searching for it as we speak. Hello Chaniqua you pretty dark younglady. [Chaniqua] Did you mean Pretty, or Pretty Dark? [Talon] What sorry I can't hear you, can someone fix the microphone. Chaniqua... Chaniqua... [Chaniqua] Yes I'm here, okay, apparently a deranged cow got on the loose yesterday. The exact cause why it became deranged is still unknown. [Talon] People please remember that this is live... [Chaniqua] Okay, I think I hear a *Moo* in the distance... [Search Team Member] You see Chaniqua, I'm dispersing a pheromone that will make the cow come this way *Moo* *Moo* [Chaniqua] Oh sh** I think the Moo's become less far appart... [Cameraman Harry] Oh no not again, I barely survived last time... [Chaniqua] No time to waste, run Harry run... [Search Team Member] ...

[Doctor Hospital] Tonight I will be operating on a Hamster, with a knife and fork. [Sexy Female Voice] Come to McHamsters now and enjoy the delicous Doctor Hospital Special Hamster Combo and enjoy the ultimate in Hamster delight. [Doctor Hospital] These Hamsters form the basis of a healthy diet. I'm not just saying that because my name is Doctor Hospital, I'm saying this because I am a Doctor and I work at a Hospital!!! [Announcer] Call 1-800-MCHAMSTERS or order online at www.mchamsters.local. [Doctor Hospital] We strive to bring the best to our customers on a daily basis, even during shortage we will supply cause we have them in cryogenic stasis. Be sure to make an account and reserve future Hamster production. [Announcer] This commercial was created in collaboration with Channel One. [Sexy Female Voice] Hmmm, honey glazed Hamsters [Announcer] Don't forget the crunchy or honey glazed Hamsters... *crunch* [Disclaimer] Warning, 9 out of 10 Doctors do not agree with Doctor Ho...

Welcome to Disturbed Animals, here's your host!! [Top Host] Good evening all, welcome, tonight we have a salty story for you. You see it happened near the ocean. [F Reporter] You shouldn't joke about this things, today a lobster came on land 20x it's usual size and bit someone's arm off. [Soundbite] So first this giant ass lobster comes out of the ocean and some retard actually walked towards it while waving his towel... [F Reporter] First it came on land and acted dead for a while before striking an innocent bystander... [Soundbite] Yeah it was acting dead for a while, but I think that was a reaction of confusion towards the towel wielding maniac approaching it. [F Reporter 2] Hi y'all I'm here at the hospital, sir how is your arm? [Victim] Do you see it??? [F Reporter 2] No! [Victim] Exactly... [F Reporter 2] Well, it seems that the patient will recover but his happisness is far to be found... [Top Host] Thank you ladies for the report, and now a story about m...

[Announcer] Tonight on Pro Gamer Talk Extreme... [Soundbite] You call that pixelart??? That looks like someone farted on a piece of paper, some residu came out and landed on the paper. Then scanned it on a copier and implemented it into the game!!! [Announcer] Don't muss it!!! SDIA Bit Welcome to SDIA, Special Documentary Inside Access, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Hi, people I'm in a hurry, Chaniqua you take over... [Chaniqua] Thank you Talon, good luck on winning that airhockey tournament!! Apparently the first paint colors were white, chalk, black, charcoal, and red, blood. Then came the age of poo, where they applied poo to a moist inner cave part and let fungus grow, they then burnt the fungus in order to engrain the painting deeply into the cave walls... And that's where we are today... wait a minute, did someone fart? No that's just the walls miss... We see here ancient paintings of crafting a bowl from clay, defacating in it, mix it with a little...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite Host!!! [Talon] Welcome people and good evening. A FPS and Flight Sim believer has created an airplane that is steered entirely by mouse and keyboard, gamers worldwide rejoiced at the news. Chaniqua is at the scene, Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Good evening Talon, apparently someone who failed flight school but did have an engineering degree decided to take things into his own hands, mouse and keyboard specifically. [Flight Gamer] The first test flight is tomorrow and I'm anticipating all goes well. [Talon] Thank you Chaniqua amazing as always. Let's just hope his usb cable doesn't unplug at the wrong moment. And now we switch to a story about kids with skippyballs that make a strange squeeky noise, the worst part... local bird population have started imitating the sound. More on this after the commercials...

[Soundbite] Captain, Captain, CAPTAIN BLAZER TURBO, WE NEED TO ABANDON SHIP NOW OR WE WILL NOT SURVIVE. Seriously, now, you do see I'm in my underpants right now don't you?? [Announcer] Tonight our brand new Sci Fi serie called Star Space Infinite starring famous actors like Swyll Mith, the famous black actor who was the main lead in The Cool king of Bonaire and also rapped the winter hit Wintertime. Don't miss it!!! Tonight on Channel One...

This events took place a couple of days ago... *calling 1-800-FOOKYOO* [Miss Yukihara] Yes this is Fook Yoo, thank you for choosing us. [Rupert] Hi this is Rupert, I would like to order the latest album from Rapper Weed McMarihuana which is called Spliffytastic... It goes like this... ♫Are you getting Jiggy? No I'm gettin hiffy with a spliffy in a Jiffy. Yes we have that one Rupert... So how are the Hamsters doing? Oh, they're being digested as we speak. Sometimes I like to prepare them myself with three times the original amount of garlic. Don't tell this to anyone, it's delicious and I don't want Hamster and Garlic prizes rising. Okay Rupert, it was Client No. 08153A right? Yes Miss Yukihara... let's see, I have it right here, Spliffytastic by Weed McMarihuana. It will be drone delivered within the next three hours... Wait, before you hang up, add 2 hamsters... [Miss Yukihara] We'll do, we'll draw it from your account as usual. Thanks for using Fook Yo...

Good afternoon, This is Maxis Jaxxon the host of Conspiracy News, people today I'm talking calls. Caller number one please... [Caller] Yeah I'm selling a Dead Alien... Sir are you the same caller as last time... when you go near it the flies fly away so we know it's a cow corpse... how long has it been since you last called? [Caller] I know it's been a few but the stench is so bad no one dares to move it anymore. Next week there will be a team in hazmat suits but I can't wait that long because of the smell... [Maxis Jaxxon] Next caller after these short messages... This is where the story originated from: (Welcome back to) Conspiracy Now [082919-04] [Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Top Host]Today we are doing phonecalls, get me caller number four. [Caller] Thank you so much man, I have an important issue to present to the public. I have an ALIEN in my backyard, or it might be a decaying cow covered in flies, it's hard to tell...

[Announcer] Welcome back to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Top Host/CN Host] People before we start first you gotta see this...[Female Announcer] Loseweights Salted Chips, these potato chips are soaked in a weight loss chemical for days. Then dried and fried. These chips will truly make you lose weight by doing what you love doing... [CN Host] You HEAR that PEOPLE??? Those are life threatening Chemicals that will surely kill you... roll on [Soundbite/Disclaimer] This product may cause sideaffects that could harm you [CN Host] Could, are we talking about could. And it has already happened people, we need to stop these corporations. I have Seen the Victims, Smelled the Victims, on my way to work I came by a few corpses and started filming, here's the footage...  You see these corpses right here people, they're dead... you see that one, still twitching a little bit. Yes people do that after they die... *calls* Yes this is emergency services how may I help you? Yes I'm...

Hi viewer, remember to stay out of the sun today even though I'm standing in it. I'm here at a park. What do you see people, what do you see. When you look up to the sky, what do you see, blue, exactly. And clouds, that is water people don't you get it?? And when you look below, what do you see? It's green, that's grass, people I'm asking if you recognize this gras?? Don't you get it it's motherF***ing grass. Sorry people, I shouldn't curse, I try to be a family show after all... Look straight forward... You see those, those are trees people, THEY BREATHE. You see me inhaling and exhaling, that's called breathing people, you do it constantly. Raaaaaaaaaargh people, we're in a battle for our lives here, don't you see, they don't want you to see, so I'm trying to let you see... Sorry I became a little emotional there. This is emotional and in no way shape or form rage. You see I'm a very emotional person, my viewers cam attest t...

Article is subject to change, still need to fill in names and such... [Soundbite] Mister Waiter, what the F*** is this, there's a fly in my Hamsterburger! [Announcer] See it all tonight on Foods Uncovered Covert Action. Right now watch Newsaholic!!! Season one episode six... [Female Disclaimer] Viewer discretion is advised... ♪ I don't care about history, to me it's all a mystery [Caitlyn 12] ♪ I only worry about my homework tomorrow, it feels my brain with sorrow [Jack 14] ♪ Don't worry about things like tomorrow, say is there some money I can borrow [Mark 16] ♪ Ohwell you silly cat tell me more about life ♪ Don't worry I'll do after I finish off my wife [Geffrey] (The dad) ♪ Why the hell am I the last one that gets to speak, If I were a bird I would would peck you to death [Marjory] (The mom) ♪ Hey wait a minute this show isnt about silly old me, its about us humanity being what they could be [Rupert] (Cat] Caitlyn, how was school today? It was a fu...

[Announcer] The following fragment will be aired later tonight, this is a fragment of Doctor Hospital... [Patient] I fear I have a debrillitating disease nurse!! [Nurse] No sir that's just the doctor trying to revive you, Doctor Hospital, I know you can be thourough but this is meant to revive him, not give him electroshock therapy. [Doctor Hospital] Sorry nurse, sometimes I get too carried away. I love this job so much, not just because it's Doctor Hospital, but because IT IS Doctor Hospital... [Shoeman Laces] Hi I'm Shoeman Laces, I repair soles, inside soles and even replace shoe laces, with our repairs you're going places, so call now 1-800-LACES or order a repair via mail online at www.fookyoo.local, remember, always, Fook Yoo!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your favorite host!!! [Talon] Welcome to todays show where we have something of a odd situation. Chaniqua is on the scene, Chaniqua is like the best coffee in the world, black and delicious, Chaniqua? Talon, did you tipp ex your skin this morning? You're so white you're blinding me. Anyway, today a man was seen walking down the street wearing a Toga, a plastic laurel around his head and a golden crest on his chist bearing the symbol of an eagle and the letters PQRST. This was what Jules Ceasar Salad wore during his reign, police were notified once the man entered a shopping mall and started hoarding all the Ceasar Salads in the cooling section. The police were quickly on the scene and apprehanded him, he kept screaming Ave Ceasar Salad from the police car as it drove away. He's now being held into custody and is being interrogated as we speak. The local police PR Person had this to say, we doubt we can get anything useful out of...

Sir, Sir, Are you imitating that famous gamer named Samurai? No I'm having spastic seizures... Don't worry I'm here to help and I'll do all I can even if my name wasn't Doctor, Doctor Hospital at your service... What are we going to the Hospital. No, please remain conscious, we are not going to the Hospital, I am Hospital. Doctor Hospital.  Do you have any medicine on you to help stop the spastic seizures. No off course not, what do I look like? Oh wait I have my doctor's suit on. Okay, what I can for you at this moment might seem out there, unethical, ridiculous, completely radical insane to no end. But I could choke you till you're uncounscious and then move you to the..... *Sirens* Ah the ambulance is here, my work seems to be done...

[CN Host] Now available for men, the ultimate in anticontreception. SperMutulator Extreme Turbo. ♫ With just one pill a day, unwanted babies stay away. [Chinese AD Man] Order now for only 299 Moneys at www.fookyoo.local or call 1-800-FOOKYOO, remember, Fook Yoo. [Disclaimer] Warning, this product is highly toxic and it's not recommended you ingest it on a regular basis! [CN Host] You see people, I'm not making a lot of money from this, all of this money goes back into the studio and to expand our reach. Please see that I'm already using SperMutulator for 2 months now and there's your proof. Believe me the only reason why it's so expensive is because the ingredients are so rare. So doctor X explain why, enlighten us... [Doctor X] Well you see, the main ingredient is male cow cum. So we have men 'round the clock jerking these bulls like no tomorrow. Their diet contains for 40% out of eggwhites... [CN Host] Amazing, just amazing, hah, haha that bull... Sorry peop...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Top Host] Good morning and welcome this is Datawar's Conspiracy Now and you people are truly the core of this resistance. I'm doing calls again today, let's go to the first caller. [Caller] Such an honor to speak to you, thank you so much for what you have do... [Top Host] Next caller. [Caller2] Not everybody is a professor, but everyone is a processer. I mean we all process things don't we? I mean (Top Host) you process things don't you, what's your CPU Speed?, mine is 20Mhz, I'm like a 286... and another thing... [Top Host] Seriously I need to start cutting these callers much earlier. Is everyone insane in this country, I can't take it anymore Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh... Sorry people, this is a family show after all, I'm calming down, calming down. Calm... After the commercial break we will be discussing the hatching of the chicken egg, what the hell are they planning??? Stay tuned Datawar...

[Announcer] Welcome to APVPIL  Anonymous Private Video Platform Inside Look, Here's your host [Host] Hi, today a blooper has leaked on the internet and as usual we're the first to show it to you!!! Here's the leaked footage... [James B] Hi I'm James Earl Backenschlagersteinhoffenbrauer, we make the best beer in the world. [2 Men] I like Backenschlagersteinhoffenbrauer, yes Ich liebe Backenschlagersteinhoffenbrauer auch!! What the hell?!? [Director]  Cut people cut cut... Oh great now I have to do a retake.. [Host] That was hilarious man, I had no idea how complex a beer name can be. But I will say this, I heard it's delicious so the next time I go to a restaurant I'll be sure to order a Backenschlagersteinhoffenbrauer, don't you know, like, how Backenschlagersteinhoffenbrauer just rolls off of your tongue. Thank you for watching APVPIL...

[Announcer] Welcome Today what first seemed as a Zombie Outbreak turned out to be elderly on the loose from their local old folk's home. Chaniqua my chocolate cherry flavored bonbon, are you there? [Chaniqua] Yeah, I'm on the scene you who puts white paint to shame! [Talon] That one hurt actually... [Chaniqua] Well, apparently the medication for sedating the elderly was switched by accident with super potent Ritalin. They became so active and could no longer control themself. They started roaming the streets in their bathrobes. [Talon] Well luckily it had a positive ending, the elderly are back right? [Chaniqua] Latest reports say that 11 of the 64 have been located and retreived. There are several Trauma Helicopters circling the city as we speak. [Talon] So crime is low there at the moment? [Chaniqua] How dare you, that's a black neighbourhood!! [Talon] So... ... is the crime down? [Chaniqua] Yes, yes it is. [Talon] Thank you so much for this wonderful report, we will now ...

[Announcer] Welcome to Disturbed Animals, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] People, tonight first of all, put your children to bed and don't let them watch this. Nature Dude was on the scene and brought us this report. Watch with utmost caution! [Nature Dude] This is Nature Dude reporting for Disturbed Animals. You see that bear over there. It's old and almost deaf. I have been told it's also senile mentally retarded. We are now putting it in a cage to go to the animal resting center where it can live out it's last days. [Nature Dude] That's awesome man, even animals should deserve a pension, especially zoo animals. [Cargoman] Okay, we're loading the bear into the crate right now... going... going... Okay, it's in. [Nature Dude] That's fantastic I.... Oh my god, the bear is going crazy, what the hell is happening. [Zookeeper] Did I forgot to mention it's also claustrophobic and cannot remain calm in small spaces... [Cameraman] I don't know ...

[Chaniqua Live] This is me reporting for News Today, this is Chaniqua. We are skipping the usual intro because this is live people, yes people... I'm here live in some local dessert where elephants live. Sir, good afternoon, can you explain what you are doing. [Garry GreenSafe Activist] Well, we'd had an idea of improving elephant safety so we have covered them in Kevlar. Also, you see the end of those ivory tusks? [Chaniqua] Yes I do! [Garry GSA] Those are titanium tips coated with depleted uranium. No one will ever dare to go to these beautiful creatures and poach them.... [Chaniqua] Well isn't that amazing, I love those grey creatures... This was Chaniqua live on the scene, Chaniqua out... [Talon] Welcome back to News Tonight, next up a movie mishap, they made a parody of a parody and it turned out serious. Don't miss it!!! See you back after the commercial break... [Announcer] Tonight a movie about the history of colored people, at the end of the sugarcane, don...

[Illegal recording] The egg has hatched tok tok, our new king has born tok tok, this is Alpha One with the chick. This is Delta over tok, Alpha over tok tok... So how do we proceed from here tok, this chick can no longer stay in the underground bunker. I know, it needs sunlight tok tok... *weird noises* *recording cuts off*

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Top Host]Today we are doing phonecalls, get me caller number four. [Caller] Thank you so much man, I have an important issue to present to the public. I have an ALIEN in my backyard, or it might be a decaying cow covered in flies, it's hard to tell. [Top Host] This is a very important issue people please pay attention. Did you have or not have a cow in your backyard? [Caller] I did... [Top Host] Is it still there? [Caller] Well, it's no longer grazing in my yard. [Top Host] Sir, could it or could it not be that that black fuzzy fly covered thing in your yard is actually your cow? [Caller] So you mean my cow is dead? [Top Host] Yes it seems like it sir, my condolences, next caller.... [Announcer] Out Now the latest album by Rapper Weed McMarihuana with his latest hit album Spliffytastic... [Audio] ♫Are you getting Jiggy? No I'm gettin hiffy with a spliffy in a Jiffy.

[Top Host]Welcome Caller [Caller] Hi, thank you so much for what you're doing man!! [Top Host] No thanks, I'm glad to do it, go ahead... [Caller] Well have you ever experienced when you are pooping on the toilet and it won't come out. And you start pushing and pushing and finally somethings come out, you stand up and look into the bowl and all you see is a tiny straw of poo? [Top Host] People, I'm sorry I had to cut this conversation off, this is a family show after all. See you back after the commercials... Available now Datawar's very own IRB, Indigestion Restoration Boom. Remember people to only ingest this product while sitting on a toilet. Order now only 15.99 Moneys. Order via 1-800-DATAWAR or order online at www.datawar.local

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Top Host]Today we are doing phonecalls, get me caller number one... [Top Host]Welcome Caller [Caller] Yeah hi, thank you for having me I also try to do my part in this DataWar. [Top Host] Thank you, go ahead... [Caller] I do believe in evolution but I'm affraid Satan is helping the musquito's, I mean that irritating noise they make just when you're lying in your bed all cosy trying to get some sleep. [Top Host] They are nature's vaccinators, and I agree caller, they have evolved making that noise just to F*** with us. It's uncanny how irritating they sound!!! [Caller] Thank you, thank you, my deaf grandma says they sound like Beethoven. Finally someone understands!!! [Top Host] Thank you caller, we'll be back after the commercials...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Top Host] Caller, what is it you want to say? [Caller]Well, I'm here in our local city and ever since the terrorist attacks where people flew into buildings I have advocated for SAM Sites on top of big buildings, but the government is ignoring me. Does the government want planes to fly into buildings or not? I don't know caller, but you do bring up a good point. [Top Host] Not only border patrol is nessecary but we also have to think about active deterrants like SAM sites on top of big buildings. Why the hell is the government ignoring this, why aren't there active deterrants... People, I can no longer control myself. Hey local Government agencies, why aren't there anti plane weapons on top of big buildings, it's because you want us to die isn't it. I mean, if a missile can be fired from the Tripple Towers we wouldn't have been left with one! Do you even care about the deaths local government? Wh...

Ze Genetically Engzineered Houzecat waz develloped withz ze idea zhat zey alway land on zeir feet... You zee, when ze engineered houzecat collides something happens. you zee, zee four pawz are ze connectzion point for ze exzplosive to detonate.. Yez, yez, ze explosive is fully biological, henze ze term of zenetical engzineered... we have tezted many catz the lazt few yearz, but we are ztill figuring out ze problemz... You zee here you haze youre houzecat in pristine condizion, wathz how I throw it accross ze explozion shield. *Boom*... You zee, ze cat explodez on impact when it landz on 4 feet. Now we all have zo do iz to amputate one leg from zese genetically engineered houzecats, zat way zey don't explode on ze impact sinze it haz only 3 three legz to land on the detonator wont swithz on. Yes caller, please tell us all about the Genetically Engineered Housecats... [Caller] You zee, we were planning to blow up ze world. And one thingk came to mind. Houzecats... You zee, housec...

[Announcer] Welcome to Vote Today, our very own show on where you, the people, get to vote. Here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Hi y'all, we're having a vote today as always, forgetting the fact that this is the first episode and it won't air daily. But let's not get into details... Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Chaniqua here on the scene as always, today's vote is on racism. What is worse? "You fucked up bitch ass nigger!", "You goofy looking yellow skin chink eyed motherfucker" or "You cracker ass white ass milk smelling asshole motherfucker"? [Talon] These are all very harsh, people will sure have a hard time voting, that's for sure!! [Announcer] We will be back after the break with the results... Please stay tuned... [Announcer] Now available, chilli fried dough encrusted Hamsters, they're delicious!! Call 1-800-MCHAMSTER or order online via www.mchamster.local [Chaniqua] This is Chaniqua Live on Vote Today at the scene repo...

[Soundbite, man attending the hospital] It takes a big man to give a woman a compliment, but it takes an even bigger man to give a man a compliment. Today I am going to be the bigger man, thank you, thank you so much for my wife's boobjob, truly amazing work!! [Announcer] See it all tonight in Doctor Hospital, don't miss it!! [Soundbite] I'm not just any docter, my last name is Hospital... [talon] I'm Talon, this is SDIA, Special Documentary Inside Access, yes people, today our Announcer has the flu so it's up to me. Chaniqua? Chaniqua? Are you there? [Chaniqua] Sorry, Talon, the music in this hillbilly house is a bit loud. So Mr, did you see a UFO today or not? [Mr Farmer Gondra] Yes, yes, I saw a UFO. It flew right through my backroom window and crashed in the dining room. [Chaniqua] Yes, but Mr. Gondra, that is a manhole cover. [Gondra] Yes I see that now, but at the time it flew into my backroom diningroom it was still unidentified. When I realised it was a ma...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now where we shine a light on the weelings and dealings of our local government. Here's your favorite host!! [Top Host] We here at Conspiracy Now are conducting the most dangerous mission in the history of mankind. We found some old butter in the fridge and are preparing the top yellow layer. Yes people, we are about to find out the most significant question in human history. What is the color of butter, yes people, have you ever asked yourself the question, what color is butter? We neither till we got an anonymous phonecall by one of the listeners. [Anonymous caller] Yes, I have seen many egg yolks but we are facing the most dangerous question of all time, what is the color of butter. [Top Host] You see people, the government likes to hide things, and we are about to find out the most hidden thing or question of all. What is the color of butter? We will back after the commercials, where we will apply butter to a sandwich, I know people it's pr...

Today scientists have discovered a symbol which depicts symbolism. Turns out it's so occult that we can not show it to you. But remember, you have been seeing it all along. You remember the ketchup stain on my shoulder. Yes you do, don't you. Well, let me tell you that that ketchup stain has absolutely nothing to do with this story. See this lipstick on my lips? Completely meaningless. 7 out of 10 lunatics approve of this message, instead you're hearing the opposite. Hi, welcome warrior to the ultimate resistance, this is conspiracy now and you're at the forefront of this epic battle... remember how you spread mayonaise on your ham sandwich this morning... No, no you don't, and that's exactly the problem. You did not put enough mayonaise on your ham sandwich and now you are paying the consequences. Feeling pretty foolish now don't we, all of this could have been prevented with just a little extra mayonaise. But oh boy, did you listen, no you did not liste...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Do we have news for you, no that was not a question. Tonight, against all odds, a homeless man gave a housewarming party. Scientists are baffled and Chaniqua my favorite milk chocolate bar is on the scene. [Chaniqua] Who the hell are you calling a chocolate bar you sad excuse for white chocolate and puffed rice ass mother*bleep*. [Talon] Wow, Chaniqua, no reason to get so offensive. So, what's happening at the scene. [Chaniqua] Well apparently this man found 16 empty moving boxes and turned it into a makeshift home, he even applied for an address. The music is great, he's playing the latest album from Adolph Hitler formally known as Dee Troit. [Talon] Amazing reporting as always Chaniqua, next up, a depressed Hamster armed with a knife robbed our local bank, after the commercials. [Announcer] Please stay tuned, no, no, that's not it... Don't miss it!!!

On your mark ready set let's go Dance floor pro I know you know I go psycho when my new joint hit Just can't sit Got to get Nigga wit it, thats it Now honey honey come ride DKNY all up in my eye You gotta Prada bag with a lot a stuff in it Give it to your friend let's spin Everybody lookin' at me Glancin' the kid Wish you nig was dancin' the jig Here with this handsome kid Ciga-cigar right from Cuba-Cuba I just bite it It's for the look I don't light it Illway the amay on the anceday orflay Give it up Nigga make it feel like foreplay Yo my cardio is infinite Ha ha Big willie style's all in it Gettin Nigga wit it Na na na na na na na nana Na na na na nana Gettin Nigga wit it Na na na na na na na nana Na na na na nana Gettin Nigga wit it Na na na na na na na nana Na na na na nana Gettin Nigga wit it Na na na na na na na nana Na na na na nana What you want to ball with the kid Watch your step you might fall Trying to d...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Top Host] Good afternoon fellow information knights of justice, this is your host reporting the facts as always. Sit down people, please sit down. Are you sitting down? Good! You might not see it visible in this footage of our local president, but he is not wearing any underpants, I repeat, the president is not wearing any underpants. *Shows video of president wearing pants* [Top Host] Let's go to our reporter. [Female Reporter] Hi, welcome, I'm here at the public library and there hapened to be an expert. Mr what can you tell us? [News Expert] I have never been scared in my life till I saw the president exitting the presidential aircraft, I knew right away that he did not have any underpants on and it scared me to death. [Female Reporter] Luckily you are still alive to tell the story!!! People must hear this, the president was not wearing any underpants!! [Top Host] I hear ya, we, humanity must invest in underpants...

Have you ever killed someone, what do you mean, killing in the way of humor like stop you're killing me, or actual murder? Well, both. Well the first many attempts don't know many have succeeded. But up unto today the second one, never. Now don't get me wrong I have thought about it many times... But sometimes that cure is way worse than the other cures out there, let's start with a smile on our face by experiencing something positive, yes, let that be a start... Wow, did you just swallow your microphone during the interview? Yes, I'm sorry, but in my defense, they really put the micro in microphone... Up for edit.... [Soundbite] What's that, it surely looks Hamsterlicous. Of course my dear, it's honeyglazed Hamster, [Announcr] call 1-800-McHamster now, or order on www.mchamster.local for 10% off... Because of an ancient eastern recipe we can chilli hot dogs... Be sure to try our Fook Yoo Meow and our Babi el Woof...

[Announcer] Welcome to Special Documentary Inside Access, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Hi, you might remember me from News Today or Jimmy please stay away from the C4... No Jimmy, please the hell stay away from the C4 [Jimmy] But sir... [Talon] No Jimmy don't pick it up and use it as clay... [Announcer] We seem to be having technical difficulties, please stay tuned... [Disclaimer Voice] Please stay tuned, the C4 was meant for next month's episode. Later today we will launch Jimmy from a helicopter with a nuclear powered turbine attached to show us the dangers of Techonological Jetpack Advancement. [Announcer] Don't miss it!!! Update: [Announcer] Welcome to Special Documentary Inside Access, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Hi, you might remember me from News Today or Jimmy please stay away from the C4... No Jimmy, please the hell stay away from the C4 [Jimmy] But sir... [Talon] No Jimmy don't pick it up and use it as clay... [Announcer] We seem t...

[Announcer] Welcome to Disturbed Animals, here's your host! [Top Host] People, today we are featuring the last moments of our dear cameraman as he was hauled away by countless Hamsters that seemed to have made that tomb their residence. [Female Reporter] I'm here in the editing room, there's so much to go through, lets play a part, the last footage of the cameraman who will be very very missed... [Cameraman Log] ...Hamsters with wires, what do Hamsters do with wire... Oh great, I've already been paralyzed by their poisoned darts... ..I've been taken to a cave, they have torches and lights fueled by batteries... they are chanting something in their own language... all i can hear is squeeking... what on earth is this idiocy, a grey hamster is approaching me... Aaaargh, why did the elder hamster have to pee in my eyes, now i'm blind... I hear squeeking again in what seems to be some kind of ancient chant... *feed cuts off* [Top Host] We, at Disturbed Animals are sh...

[Announcer] Welcome back to News Today, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Chaniqua, Chaniqua, are you okay? [Chaniqua] Pff...pff...pff...Sorry, out of breath, still running. [Talon] Do you still see Hamsters behind you? [Chaniqua] Pff...Lemme look! No, I'm clear!! [Talon] What you are seeing now is previous footage from before the tomb was opened. Chaniqua is now live and audio only, Chaniqua what happened to the cameraman? [Chaniqua] I don't know, I don't see or hear him at all. No, no, wait a minute... I hear faint squeeks in the background, but am too scared to take a look. [Talon] Please get to safety Chaniqua. [Chaniqua] Will do, will do, thank you for thinking about my safety. [Talon] Anytime, anytime. People, it seems the last moments of the Cameraman were captured via satelite uplink. See it all, next on Disturbed Animals. There wasn't any time left on this show, don't miss it!!! [Soundbite] Daddy, mommy, what is all that blood doing on the kitchen f...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Good afternoon, we have a special today, the live on air opening of an ancient tomb found in the local woods... [TV Control Guy] 4, 3, 2, 1, [Chaniqua] Hi everybody, this is Chaniqua, we are here live at the unveiling and opening of an ancient tomb. [Soundbite] Allright, everybody back we're gonna lift this heavy stone... Aaargh *stone is lifted*... OMG NO, it was a Hamster filled cave... *Hamsters armed with knives exit the cave*... [Chaniqua] People, people, this unveiling did not go well, I'm currently running for my life... [Talon] Amazing reporting Chaniqua and keep on running we still need you in the second segment!! We will see you back after this commercial break... [Female Announcer] Presenting now, the ultimate in Hamster Burgers, it's the McHamster Chilli Pro, it has extra toppings and is available now. Call 1-800-MCHAMSTER or order online at www.mchamster.local... [Chinese AD Man] Out...

Okay, where's the bunny, where's the bunny, JACK, where's the bunny. What Bunny RP? The bunny, I mean the BUNNY. Oh you mean the BUNNY mentioned in your HOLY SCRIPTURES. I just saw it around the house carrying a mini nuke on his back. Oh jeez, a mini nuke, are you serious. Hell yeah I'm serious, you see those hairs on the floor? Yes... Well don't pay attention to them, they're mine. Okay, thank you for reminding me I guess... There's no time for doubt Jack, do you believe your cat or don't you? Rupert, I'm confused. Jack, aren't we all, I mean right now at this moment I feel some form of attraction towards the weather man on our local TV Station. You mean Mr Gunderson? Don't remind me of his name please, it hurts too much. You see that fighterjet over there, if we can reach that and use the ejection seat we can get high enough for us to connect to the mobile network. I mean, who wouldn't want to order a meal out here in the desert. Desert...

This story is not entirely set in present time... Remember, Holy Hamster day, well this is Holy Mouse Day or Holy Mice Day which//scrap You see those animals Rupert? No Rupert, they are athletes in the Animal Olympics, you could never dream to participate in it. What do you mean, I'm not up to it. I have seen your bodily figure and have estimated you would fail in such an event. What if I don't order McHamsters for a week. Not good enough. A month? Not good enough, you should really look into a mirror my friend. Who are you calling friend, you just called me fat you jackass. If I disliked or hated you I wouldn't have said something of the sort and you'd be non the wiser. It's exactly because I'm your friend is why I'm saying these things. I never looked at it that way, gee. Don't gee me and just go out there and do your thing. What are we doing again. Beats me, I haven't the slightest clue. I remember something starting with the olympics or someth...

♪ I don't care about history, to me it's all a mystery [Caitlyn 12] ♪ I only worry about my homework tomorrow, it feels my brain with sorrow [Jack 14] ♪ Don't worry about things like tomorrow, say is there some money I can borrow [Mark 16] ♪ Ohwell you silly cat tell me more about life ♪ Don't worry I'll do after I finish off my wife [Geffrey] (The dad) ♪ Why the hell am I the last one that gets to speak, If I were a bird I would would peck you to death [Marjory] (The mom) ♪ Hey wait a minute this show isnt about silly old me, its about us humanity being what they could be [Rupert] (Cat] Honey, I'm off to the grocery store... That's great honey, you go and I'll eat breakfast while watching TV... ..Presenting you the ultimate in gay technology. This people is the Homosexual Pro 5000. What it does no one knows, nobody has dared to turn the darn thing on and the inventor has died of a heart attack. See how it has lube glands that self regenerate, stu...

♪ I don't care about history, to me it's all a mystery [Caitlyn 12] ♪ I only worry about my homework tomorrow, it feels my brain with sorrow [Jack 14] ♪ Don't worry about things like tomorrow, say is there some money I can borrow [Mark 16] ♪ Ohwell you silly cat tell me more about life ♪ Don't worry I'll do after I finish off my wife [Geffrey] (The dad) ♪ Why the hell am I the last one that gets to speak, If I were a bird I would would peck you to death [Marjory] (The mom) ♪ Hey wait a minute this show isnt about silly old me, its about us humanity being what they could be [Rupert] (Cat] It's Saturday morning, Geffrey steps outside of his bed and hears active war conflict noises in the distance. What the hell is this, it seems to come from Caitlyn's room. Caitlyn, Good morning, what are you playing? I'm playing Forty Knights, it's the latest most popular shooter around. Forty Knights huh, you sure it ain't Forty Knights my munchkin. No dad...

♪ I don't care about history, to me it's all a mystery [Caitlyn 12] ♪ I only worry about my homework tomorrow, it feels my brain with sorrow [Jack 14] ♪ Don't worry about things like tomorrow, say is there some money I can borrow [Mark 16] ♪ Ohwell you silly cat tell me more about life ♪ Don't worry I'll do after I finish off my wife [Geffrey] (The dad) ♪ Why the hell am I the last one that gets to speak, If I were a bird I would would peck you to death [Marjory] (The mom) ♪ Hey wait a minute this show isnt about silly old me, its about us humanity being what they could be [Rupert] (Cat] It's Sunday morning, Geffrey puts his bathrobe on and steps outside to get the newspaper... Hmm, that's strange, there is no newspaper. Honey, why is there no newspaper? Oh, sorry dear, I gave it to the neighbour. The neighbor, what that crazy man next door who claims to be an International Spy? Yes dear, he said he needed intel really badly as he had to go for Operat...

♪ I don't care about history, to me it's all a mystery [Caitlyn 12] ♪ I only worry about my homework tomorrow, it feels my brain with sorrow [Jack 14] ♪ Don't worry about things like tomorrow, say is there some money I can borrow [Mark 16] ♪ Ohwell you silly cat tell me more about life ♪ Don't worry I'll do after I finish off my wife [Geffrey] (The dad) ♪ Why the hell am I the last one that gets to speak, If I were a bird I would would peck you to death [Marjory] (The mom) ♪ Hey wait a minute this show isnt about silly old me, its about us humanity being what they could be [Rupert] (Cat] I'm not going to start off this timeline from the beginning. Why, well because I don't know what timeline I'm living in and I have forgotten bits of the story, but we'll get to that later. You see, a lot has happened and a lot will still happen, especially in this timeline... Rupert, Rupert, are you talking to yourself again? Hey now, you are in the kitchen, ...

[Soundbite] This is chicken zero one foxtrot alpha, requesting permission for takeoff. This is CAC, Chicken Air Control, Start the expirment over... Wooooosh... This is CAC, where are you? *silence*... This is chicken zero one foxtrot alpha, CAC are you there over?? *Silence* Well it seems I'm somewhere else instead of where I'm supposed to be, what the hell, navigation says I'm in the X-Quadrant... Tonight, Space exploration X-Quadrant, or SEX, don't miss it!!! Later tonight on SEX Did you have to blow up in my face, goddamned alien... You should have used your phasor instead of that stupid relic of yours!!! What, you mean my sawed off shotgun??? Something New, Celebrity News... [Announcer] Welcome CN, or in laymens terms, Celebrity News and here's your host!! [Top Host] Batman was arrested today while transporting a paper wrap with inside what it seems is Bat Filet, which isn't normally a problem, but these are on the break of extinction. We are leaving ...

[Soundbite Captain] Soldier you're gonna die today whether you like it or not [Soldier] But sir the war is over, they have already surrendered!!! [Captain] I don't care soldier yo do what I carry you out to do, now get out there and shoot those damned midgets, no I don't care that they're Swahili... [Announcer] Play Extreme Pro Soldier now!! [Chinese AD Man] You buy now on the latest console generation, call 1-800-FOOKYOO or visit us online at www.fookyoo.local, Remember, Fook Yoo!!

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Top Host] People, welcome, right off the bat I want to tell you. You matter, your opinions matter, you matter, all this because you are what makes this beautiful country work. Whether you serve tea or manage a billon Moneys company. We each and all are a cog in this whole theatre called reality. I hope you're sitting down, because I have news for you. [Female Reporter] Now presenting the ultimate in Chicken Technology, it's a steam engine people. They use it for their saunas and still have to discover Factories and vehicle propulsion... [Announcer] All this and more on Conspiracy Now, the program will resume after the commercial break... [Soundbite] Ouch mommy, why does it hurt so much?? [Announcer] Jimmy is at home, alive and well. recuperating from the last time Special Documentary Inside Access aired. He still has it in him and is preparing for the next SDIA episode...

♪Tzew Tzew... [Narrator] Humor, the final frontier of mankind. It's continues mission to explore variations and test boundaries. To explore skits and comedy bits that are too racist to show on TV. These are the voyages of comedy. To go where no man has gone before. Watch the latest episode tonight...

[GF] What, you have a personal vlog??? [C] Yes dad, get with the times [GF] And, how many men were arrested because of your profile [C] I don't have the statistics [GF] Well I do, the police contacted me. They said to have performed over 2000 arrests because of your profile. [C] Am I in trouble dad? [GF] Well, you are grounded for a month, but thank you for the 5000 moneys gift certificate we got from the police. Once you're no longer grounded we will go on a family vacation while the kitchen gets re-done. But don't forget, I'm still mad at you you sweet little one of mine. [C} Okay dad, I love you too, do I still get to play on my gaming console. [GF] You sure can, now go to your room, I'll bring some potatoe chips and cola 10 minutes later...[C] Dad, did I do something bad?? [GF] No dear, you were just putting yourself out there. It's the world around you that has to do less bad... [GF] Geoffrey the dad [RP] Rupert the cat [M] Marjory the wife [Mk] Mark t...

[Announcer] Welcome to Special Documentary Inside Access: Bears, here's your top host!! [Talon] Hi, I'm Talon, you might remember me from News Today or News Tonight. Today we are going to put the ear in bear, Jimmy, when you hear the bear growl scream at it and then start running away. [Jimmy] Sure mister, I shall do so mister, aren't you really happy about the fact I'm back from the hospital. [Talon] Wonderful Jimmy, just wonderful. Now take this megaphone and run towards that bear, this will be a good one, it seems hungry. *Jimmy runs at the bear with the megaphone why explaing to it he comes in friendship and mutual care* *The bear turns around and starts chasing Jimmy...* [Talon] You see people, never combine megaphones and bears. [Chaniqua] Shall I call the emergency services?? [Talon] Please do so, Jimmy will be in another special next week so we need him at his utmost best... And now we switch to a story about eggs... Yes eggs people, oval ones, round ones, white...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!!! [Talon] There's a new computer virus spreading over the internet like a plague, the virus makes the computer make fart noises. Instead of attacking the virus people are breaking out in laughter and are unable to counteract the virus... Chaniqua is at the scene and has the details. Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] I'm on the scene as always doing my reports, what do you do, sitting behind your cosy desk. [Talon] I don't know, maybe I'm the best anchor in town, anyway, what do you got for us? [Chaniqua] Here's the interview I did with some gamer that lives on fifth street. [Soundbite] I got this *prrrft* virus haha, and then *prrrft* I tried my antivirus *prrrft* software and haha, the damned program *prrrft* haha, no longer worked *prrrft* haha. This was, haha, Chaniqua reporting on the *prrrft* scene at a victim of the particular, *prrrft* haha virus... [Talon] Why the hell didn't we cut off the feed five...

[Talon] Am I live? I'm live, okay. Now don't get all excited people, but I hear Jimmy is comming out of the hospital in a short while. We are eagerly awaiting his return!!! [Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your favorite host!!! [Talon] Good afternoon and once again welcome, Chaniqua has it all and by that I do not only mean her physique. [Chaniqua] Well it seems the chickens were successful in saving their royal egg, here's the audio footage...[Chicken Beta] The egg is in the hatchroom, I repeat the egg is in the hatch room. Chicken Alpha was succesfull. This was chicken Beta at home base, all is well. [AC] This is air control, mission was successfull, I repeat, the mission was a success. Bring out the chickenfeed, I mean Victorymeal... *chickens cheering* [Talon] There you have it people, the royal chicken egg is safely procured and saved by the UCA, the United Chicken Alliance. Thanks Chaniqua!! And now we switch to a story that will truly amaze you. You se...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Welcome to the news people, the real stuff that makes the world go round, and in this case outer space. This morning a Romulan happened when many pointy eared ones invaded a conference. Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Apparently it turns out there was a Star Trek Convention. Might not seem a problem, but locals called the army and they made swift justice with the alien convention. Many trekkies died today, I'm lighting a candle right now to commemorate their dedication as they only replied in Romulan at the soldiers and stayed in character the whole time their last words were... [Soundbite] Chula, D'deridex, Chula Chula [Chaniqua] Which roughly translates into "beam me up Scotty". [Talon] Terrible, just terrible, don't get me wrong your reporting was fantastic. And now we switch to a story about the rapping Hamster that is going viral on www.youwatch.local [Soundbite] Does the sign say free stuff? y...

Newsaholic, name of show is pending.... [GF] Honey what are you watching? [M] Oh nothing, I just switched on the religious channel... [Pastor] You see 444 is the self contained dynamic for breathable air on earth, you see what plants breathe, animals exhale, and vica versa, now pray to the holy squirrel.... For the holy scriptures say, on Holy Squirrel Day ye shall pray to the squirrel... And people remember, next week is Holy Hamster Day, McHamsters will be closed for the day... [GF] Don't you feel any guilt for all this Rupert? [RP] What for, I'm 444, I'm a friggin cat man. [GF] I don't know whats worse, his eating habbits or the fact I'm talking to a cat. [Female Announcer] Try now, Hamster Mega Deluxe, it puts the ham in hamster, the ultimate in hamsterburgers. It's only 6.95 Moneys. Call 1-800-MCHAMSTER order online at www.mchamster.local. Order online and receive 3 crispy squirrel bits for free... [GF] You hear that, Hamster Mega Deluxe... [RP]...