Newsaholic Season 1 Episode 1 - Smoking Newsaholic aka Pilot
♪ I don't care about history, to me it's all a mystery [Caitlyn 12]
♪ I only worry about my homework tomorrow, it feels my brain with sorrow [Jack 14]
♪ Don't worry about things like tomorrow, say is there some money I can borrow [Mark 16]
♪ Ohwell you silly cat tell me more about life ♪ Don't worry I'll do after I finish off my wife [Geffrey] (The dad)
♪ Why the hell am I the last one that gets to speak, If I were a bird I would would peck you to death [Marjory] (The mom)
♪ Hey wait a minute this show isnt about silly old me, its about us humanity being what they could be [Rupert] (Cat]
I'm not going to start off this timeline from the beginning. Why, well because I don't know what timeline I'm living in and I have forgotten bits of the story, but we'll get to that later. You see, a lot has happened and a lot will still happen, especially in this timeline... Rupert, Rupert, are you talking to yourself again? Hey now, you are in the kitchen, busy yourself with cooking won't ya. What did you say? Nothing, just cook... OKAY, I WILL KEEP COOKING... Good good, anyway where was I. I remember being a little stray kitten being dropped off at the pound. I was meowing like crazy and then this majestic king walked in. Yes, I am talking about Geffrey, but we will get to that later. Anyway, I was meowing like crazy and then this majestic being walked in and freed me with what seemed at the time just pieces of wood. He likes to call it paper. Some more pieces of wood were exchanged and before I knew it I was heading home in a vehicle on four wheels. What he meant by home was not clear to me, because home was that cage where they kept me. Did I know I was self consience at the time with the ability to speak, no, but that's the beaty of it. Geffrey took me in even though he thought I was just a helpless cute little kitten. I must admit, I added the cute part myself. Enough about myself, let's continue with the story...
[CN Caller]... How can there be a half god when women provide 75% of the DNA, at most it could be a quarter god. I get where you're coming from caller... and another thing, if Jesus could walk on water and Moses could split the ocean, then what is a real god capable off. [Female Announcer] Now on sale, CN Pro headbands. [Soundbite Top Host] People, when I go out jogging I need a headband, you know when I put a headband on I don't sweat as much. Or it gets absorbed, do your own research... ...What the hell are you watching Jack?? I thought a conspiracy channel but now they're trying to sell me headbands...
Geffrey, are you smoking again... No I'm not smoking Marjory, where did you get that idea? Dad, you're holding a cigarette behind your back, and now you're putting the curtains on fire, good going dad. Not now Jack, I have to find a fire extinguisher. Too late, it has already spread, just call 1-800-OOPSFIRE. Why not just call 1-800-FIRE? Why, it was unintentional right. Yes, it sure was, calling OOPSFIRE right now... Hello this is the fire department... Yes, hello, this Geffrey, my house is on fire... Woohoo house on fire party, Rupert please contain yourself and shut up. Yes yes, fire, on maplelane drive 187... Sir, are you having a house fire, or are you reporting a 187. Miss, I live on Mapledrive 187, right behind Blackstreet. Oh I just love Backstreet, No I said it was just behind Blackstreet... Okay, honey, kids, I've called the fire department and they are on their way. Let's all go outside, and Rupert please stop dancing... Weew Weew Weew, you hear that kids, that's the fire department. A firetruck stops outside the house, firemen exit the truck and rush to the nearest hydrant to attach a firemens water hose... See children that's our tax expenses at work... Only because you lit the curtain on fire... Caitlyn there's a time and place for everything and this isn't the time for jokes. Neither is it the time for you to lit another cigarette but still you are doing it... Well you do have a point there, here's a good question. Why do I smell like smoke? Because you lit the house on fire. Sir, Sir, we are putting the fire out right now as we speak. Though I have sad news, sad news indeed. Your kids pet Hamster did not survive the fire. Oh so that's what that bit of charcoal is. Do you want the corpse sir? Aaah no Lord Snuggles the 3rd... Corpse is such a coarse word, my son loved it, let's call it hamster remains. Do you see that garbage can? Yes, got it Sir, the Hamster is going in the garbage can. No, no, next to the garbage can, that little patch of grass. I want to bury it there with my son. Son, who are you calling? This is 1-800-HAMSTER, yeah I'd like to order a new hamster, the old one unfortunately died. A drone swoops in and delivers a live Hamster. Son, son, shall we bury Lord Snuggles the 3rd in that patch of grass over there? No thank you dad, I already have a new one. Sir, Sir, we have contained the housefire. You can go inside again, of course it will smell like burnt plastic, but with a new paintjob and new furniture she will as good as new. Thank you Mr Fireman, see you next time. Next time, please don't let there be a next time. Putting out a fire with a dancing cat in the house is quite the challenge...
Woohoo, yeah yeah, burning house party... Rupert, Rupert, the fire has been extinguished and isn't it time to end the show???
Thank you all for reading people, till next time!!!
(Pilot version 1.0, things might be subjected to change)
♪ I only worry about my homework tomorrow, it feels my brain with sorrow [Jack 14]
♪ Don't worry about things like tomorrow, say is there some money I can borrow [Mark 16]
♪ Ohwell you silly cat tell me more about life ♪ Don't worry I'll do after I finish off my wife [Geffrey] (The dad)
♪ Why the hell am I the last one that gets to speak, If I were a bird I would would peck you to death [Marjory] (The mom)
♪ Hey wait a minute this show isnt about silly old me, its about us humanity being what they could be [Rupert] (Cat]
I'm not going to start off this timeline from the beginning. Why, well because I don't know what timeline I'm living in and I have forgotten bits of the story, but we'll get to that later. You see, a lot has happened and a lot will still happen, especially in this timeline... Rupert, Rupert, are you talking to yourself again? Hey now, you are in the kitchen, busy yourself with cooking won't ya. What did you say? Nothing, just cook... OKAY, I WILL KEEP COOKING... Good good, anyway where was I. I remember being a little stray kitten being dropped off at the pound. I was meowing like crazy and then this majestic king walked in. Yes, I am talking about Geffrey, but we will get to that later. Anyway, I was meowing like crazy and then this majestic being walked in and freed me with what seemed at the time just pieces of wood. He likes to call it paper. Some more pieces of wood were exchanged and before I knew it I was heading home in a vehicle on four wheels. What he meant by home was not clear to me, because home was that cage where they kept me. Did I know I was self consience at the time with the ability to speak, no, but that's the beaty of it. Geffrey took me in even though he thought I was just a helpless cute little kitten. I must admit, I added the cute part myself. Enough about myself, let's continue with the story...
[CN Caller]... How can there be a half god when women provide 75% of the DNA, at most it could be a quarter god. I get where you're coming from caller... and another thing, if Jesus could walk on water and Moses could split the ocean, then what is a real god capable off. [Female Announcer] Now on sale, CN Pro headbands. [Soundbite Top Host] People, when I go out jogging I need a headband, you know when I put a headband on I don't sweat as much. Or it gets absorbed, do your own research... ...What the hell are you watching Jack?? I thought a conspiracy channel but now they're trying to sell me headbands...
Geffrey, are you smoking again... No I'm not smoking Marjory, where did you get that idea? Dad, you're holding a cigarette behind your back, and now you're putting the curtains on fire, good going dad. Not now Jack, I have to find a fire extinguisher. Too late, it has already spread, just call 1-800-OOPSFIRE. Why not just call 1-800-FIRE? Why, it was unintentional right. Yes, it sure was, calling OOPSFIRE right now... Hello this is the fire department... Yes, hello, this Geffrey, my house is on fire... Woohoo house on fire party, Rupert please contain yourself and shut up. Yes yes, fire, on maplelane drive 187... Sir, are you having a house fire, or are you reporting a 187. Miss, I live on Mapledrive 187, right behind Blackstreet. Oh I just love Backstreet, No I said it was just behind Blackstreet... Okay, honey, kids, I've called the fire department and they are on their way. Let's all go outside, and Rupert please stop dancing... Weew Weew Weew, you hear that kids, that's the fire department. A firetruck stops outside the house, firemen exit the truck and rush to the nearest hydrant to attach a firemens water hose... See children that's our tax expenses at work... Only because you lit the curtain on fire... Caitlyn there's a time and place for everything and this isn't the time for jokes. Neither is it the time for you to lit another cigarette but still you are doing it... Well you do have a point there, here's a good question. Why do I smell like smoke? Because you lit the house on fire. Sir, Sir, we are putting the fire out right now as we speak. Though I have sad news, sad news indeed. Your kids pet Hamster did not survive the fire. Oh so that's what that bit of charcoal is. Do you want the corpse sir? Aaah no Lord Snuggles the 3rd... Corpse is such a coarse word, my son loved it, let's call it hamster remains. Do you see that garbage can? Yes, got it Sir, the Hamster is going in the garbage can. No, no, next to the garbage can, that little patch of grass. I want to bury it there with my son. Son, who are you calling? This is 1-800-HAMSTER, yeah I'd like to order a new hamster, the old one unfortunately died. A drone swoops in and delivers a live Hamster. Son, son, shall we bury Lord Snuggles the 3rd in that patch of grass over there? No thank you dad, I already have a new one. Sir, Sir, we have contained the housefire. You can go inside again, of course it will smell like burnt plastic, but with a new paintjob and new furniture she will as good as new. Thank you Mr Fireman, see you next time. Next time, please don't let there be a next time. Putting out a fire with a dancing cat in the house is quite the challenge...
Woohoo, yeah yeah, burning house party... Rupert, Rupert, the fire has been extinguished and isn't it time to end the show???
Thank you all for reading people, till next time!!!
(Pilot version 1.0, things might be subjected to change)
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