News Today [083019-02] (Zombie Elderly)

[Announcer] Welcome Today what first seemed as a Zombie Outbreak turned out to be elderly on the loose from their local old folk's home. Chaniqua my chocolate cherry flavored bonbon, are you there? [Chaniqua] Yeah, I'm on the scene you who puts white paint to shame! [Talon] That one hurt actually... [Chaniqua] Well, apparently the medication for sedating the elderly was switched by accident with super potent Ritalin. They became so active and could no longer control themself. They started roaming the streets in their bathrobes. [Talon] Well luckily it had a positive ending, the elderly are back right? [Chaniqua] Latest reports say that 11 of the 64 have been located and retreived. There are several Trauma Helicopters circling the city as we speak. [Talon] So crime is low there at the moment? [Chaniqua] How dare you, that's a black neighbourhood!! [Talon] So... ... is the crime down? [Chaniqua] Yes, yes it is. [Talon] Thank you so much for this wonderful report, we will now switch to a story about a Story about a transracial seagul that thinks it's a musquito, does that mean it's out for blood. See it all on Disturbed Animals after the commercial break...

[Soundbite] Yeah I saw it came right at me, landed next to me and started eating the McHamsters french fries that I accidentally dropped on the floor, and when it was done eating, it looked at me like this. You see the weird face I'm making now?

[Announcer] Tomorrow on Coffeebreak Eleven... [CB Host] People, you all like to ferment don't you, to make beer, whiskey and such... Well, we all know Kopi Luak and it's delicious. Our local farmer JB has done an amazing job to emulate this on a much larger scale. You see, he has put his coffeebeans coated with jello and sugar to ensure that as many beans as possible will enter and exit in one piece *Mooo* ... [Announcer'] See it all tomorrow on Coffeebreak Eleven. Don't miss it!!!

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