The Newsaholic Season 1 Episode 5 - McHamsters

This story is not entirely set in present time... Remember, Holy Hamster day, well this is Holy Mouse Day or Holy Mice Day which//scrap

You see those animals Rupert? No Rupert, they are athletes in the Animal Olympics, you could never dream to participate in it. What do you mean, I'm not up to it. I have seen your bodily figure and have estimated you would fail in such an event. What if I don't order McHamsters for a week. Not good enough. A month? Not good enough, you should really look into a mirror my friend. Who are you calling friend, you just called me fat you jackass. If I disliked or hated you I wouldn't have said something of the sort and you'd be non the wiser. It's exactly because I'm your friend is why I'm saying these things. I never looked at it that way, gee. Don't gee me and just go out there and do your thing. What are we doing again. Beats me, I haven't the slightest clue. I remember something starting with the olympics or something, but I'm not sure... Hey, why the hell did you taze my arm? Because you said "Not Sure", it's a new viral internet thing. See this video of you getting tazed already has over 4,000 hits. With that kinda money coming in I can call 1-800-MCHAMSTER... you have to order without the S since they are in short supply. What do you mean? When you call MCHAMSTERS you get marinated chicken, but if you call MCHAMSTER you get the real deal, it's a black market kinda thing. Though in reality it's more kinda grey, and the paperwork of these establishments is white... It's a whole gradient of colors really... That's okay and all, but I'm heading out for a bit...

[Police Officer] [Soundbite] See that man over there, that man, you see him. he threw a midget over my fence, i had to bring that poor gal to the hospital. really, this guy will throw absolutely everything over that fence. last night he threw a garbage can and his steak dinner. ...so you had steak for dinner? what, what are you talking about officer. I'm trying to explain a domestic dispute to you. So did you or did you not have steak for dinner? Cut it out with the steak, it was covered in dirt. Sir did you or did you not eat the dirt covered steak. Stop it with the steak man, the dog peed on it 20 seconds afterwards. So did you or did you not eat pee and dirt soaked steak? No I did not eat the steak. You do mean the pee and dirt soaked steak mister? I'm not proud of it, but my appetite got the best of me. Aha, secondary suspect ate the pee and dirt soaked steak. Second suspect, second suspect, where the hell are you going from here. I had nothing to do with the whole scene, except the steak. Ah Hah, see the steak is the centerpiece in this whole investigation. So you mean a dirt covered pee soaked steak dinner is the key to this whole investigation. Just wait a day, I'll send you my excrements. That will be fine Mr Cat, I want to get to the bottom of this. Luckily not my bottom! What did you say? Luckily I'm not a glutton. Okay then, I'm done taking notes and the police photographer is almost done. Thank you officer, I feel so much better now. Rupert, we all know the neighbor to our right is insane, but please, no more cops... Geffrey, sorry for lying to you, the dog did not pee on it and I ate the steak, it was delicious... 

[TV] Sir, Sir, drop the pigeon right now. But I'm doing a magic show... Sir, Sir, if you do not put the pigeon down I'm allowed to use force. All right, allright, I'll put the pigeon down.. ...See son, the only way to put authority over someone else is threaten with violence. Don't you have to clean up your room Jack. Dad, I remember leaving my Super Printendo on, I have to go to my room... Honey, Honey, I had a talk with Jack, hows dinner coming along. Just fine honey, I have already added the rosemary... Mmm mmmm, baked potatoes with rosemary and mayonaise, can't wait. Hey Mark, I almost never see you in the living room, what's wrong. Probably only what Rupert could understand, he's an outcast and I'm affraid of turning into one.

[Jack] Everybody shhh... This is my show... [Announcer] Good day, welcome to GEJUP, here's your host. [Top Host] Goodday, here's a word from our sponsor... [Game Publisher's spokesperson] Play as a criminal in the upcoming MMORPG called Exploitation, don't worry, the coming months we will add overpowered weapons in loot boxes with a one in a million chance to obtain one of these. It gets even better, we won't stop exploiting you there, no, no. When you die you have to pay to be resurrected, or respawn as they like to call it these days. Will we stop there? Hell no, we won't stop there, that question was rethorical. What we will do next is let you pay for premium ammo, yes premium ammo!!! Will we stop there, yes, for now we will stop there. [Top Host] This was Game Elite Journalism Ultra Pro! See you next time on GEJUP...

[GE] Mark, Jack and Caitlyn, I have bought us a new compact printer, it's called a printendo. Dad, that is an original Nintendo console, it does not print and only plays 8 bit games... Seriously Dad, Printendo, Printendo, more like Pretendo and you should've noticed. Aren't you a gamer. Well I was a gamer... ..what for about a week, since you're the one who bought a Printendo. Sorry next time I'll get the Praystation 4. Dad, that's the Playstation 4. See, this is why I never let dad buy clothes for me. He looks at what fits the best, then chooses the opposite... I know right, I'm wearing shoes the size of a giant, something something about boosting the womens perception of my manhood. Oh so that's why you have been tripping over yourself all this time. Right on Sis, yo Mark, do we need to visit the game store? Well, they do have Midget Fighting Pro Extreme VS Olympics on sale in this store. What're the games about. Well, in one, you throw midgets... Yes... And in the other one you throw midgets... Aren't they the same game then? No the one has blood in it, and the other one splash damage... Oh those poor midgets... They are in no way, shape or form poor. You know how much these midgets make per throw? No! Well, me neither, our local government is keeping the statistics a secret. But I see them driving by in their Pontiacs and Ferraris... Hey Caitlyn, I found a Chip 'N Dale cartridge for the so called Printendo, wanna do some co-op? Hell yeah Jack...

Written by Rob van Loon AKA Talon

This material is in a Beta Phase as it were, things are subject to change.

Next Episode - Geffrey gets a smartphone!