Talon's Humor

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host! [Talon] It seems that the cat who assaulted the police officer after a dead mouse was discovered in the back of his car has escaped to Mexico. Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Well, apparently the cat named Whiskers has... [Rupert] Oh my god, news about Whiskers, everybody quiet... [Chaniqua] ...assaulted the Mexican Army and the Mexican Police and is now on the run towards Brazil. While we were wondering how he would get into Mexico, he left a voicemail to the Mexican Police... [Whiskers] I have a card for that! [Talon] Thank you Chaniqua, wonderful reporting as always, next up a senior citizen that eats his meals upside down trying to prove that the Earth is flat... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLLpoHPmSFk

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your top host!! [Talon] Welcome back dear view to the evening news. Apparently Michael Jackson was again in the news, this time not the imitator. Chaniqua has the inside scoop! Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Good evening Talon, I'm standing here next to the entrance of our local prison where today Michael Carjackson escaped from prison using a jetpack. Within minutes he had carjacked a car from a senior citizen who is standing right next to me, miss? [Miss Porridge] It was so traumatic, I, I... [Chaniqua] Yes fantastic, anyways it seems Michael Carjackson is still at large and the police are on the case. Here's the Police Spokesperson... [Police Spokesperson] We, the local police are... [Chaniqua] Yes, yes, Fantastic, back to you Talon... [Talon] Thank you Chaniqua, we will be back after the commercials with a story about a trigger happy retired police officer who served in vietnam and still has shell shock...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Today a Michael Jackson Imitator robbed our local bank. Chaniqua my coconut delight? [Chaniqua] Coconut, where do you get that idea from? [Talon] Well, you're brown on the inside and if it's up to me white on the inside! [Chaniqua] Well ain't we boistruous today with an attempt at charm while failing completely. Anyway, apparently a Michael Jackson Imitator moonwalked into the bank with two tommyguns. [Talon] Tommyguns? please explain to our younger viewers. [Chaniqua] Well they're old fashioned machineguns that had a amunition barrel hanging beneath them. Nowadays it's only function is to make old gangster movies look cool. [Talon] Well said my deer. [Chaniqua] Wait what, did you just say deer? [Talon] No, I said dear. [Chaniqua] Anyways, the suspect moonwalked into the Bank with in each hand a tommygun. Took two bags of cash and a load of diamonds out of the safe, disguised himself as a har...

Hey wait a minute, that's not a purebred puppy, that's a chicken wearing a dog costume. You expect me to pay 800 moneys for a chicken? Sorry sir, I was confused, here's the real puppy! What the fuck, that's a piece of steak you just took out of the fridge! You're right sir, I'll get you your puppy right away! You better!! Okay sir, here's the puppy! What the hell is that? What? I said, what the hell is that thing? It's a puppy sir! It looks more like a spray painted rat with diabetes. No sir, it does not have diabetes. Hah, you said it instead of puppy. Okay, sir, I admit, I can only offer this kitten. [Younger Marjory] Aww, ain't that a cute little kitty, aren't you a cute little kitty? [Unknown Kitten] Meow! [Younger Geffrey] Aww, who can say no to such a cute thing. And another thing, no 800 Moneys, or I'll punch you in the face for trying to deceive me and my newlywed wife!!!

Aangezien vrouwen zo gezellig zijn tijdens hun mens-struatie, zou het eigenlijk niet onmenstruatie moeten heten? In vele gevallen heb je in die periode een onderscheiding nodig in het ontwapenen van op scherp staande explosieven. Je kent het wel, je staat 's ochtends op, hoort zo'n briesend paarden geluid en je weet meteen hoe laat het is. Je hebt 5 centimeter deken te veel gepakt en mevrouw is getriggered. Het enige wat je dan in die situatie nog kan doen is op je Alcatel telefoontje een fake call instellen. Sorry schat, mijn werk belt, ik moet gaan! Waarom heb je nog zo'n ouderwets telefoontje zegt ze dan. Waarop ik antwoord, mijn baas wil dat ik altijd bereikbaar ben, en op die nieuwe telefoon van me internet ik teveel. Wat u niet doorheeft is dat ik tijdens en op die al buiten liep en terug naar huis aan het schreeuwen was. De bom stond immers op ontploffen. Kom ik een half uur later op mijn werk aan, heb ik vijf voicemails. Vijf man, fucking vijf, vijf fucking voicem...

[Maxis Jaxxon] Hi I'm Maxis Jaxxon, the host of Conspiracy Now. Today I present you an improvement of our previous bodylotion. Watch me smear this Datawars Ultrashine Bodylotion Plus all over my semi naked body, watch how it glows under the studio lights. [Doctor X] Yes, it's amazing how the Datawar Ultrashine Bodylotion Plus works, you see we take hard to find oils deep out of the earth that produce a superior shine compared to all the other oils out there. Here we see a video of one of our centrifuges purifying the oil to give it that extra shine. Although, before use, consult your local physician. [Maxis Jaxxon] That's amazing Doctor X, you see it's all because of inner earth oils, look at my body all shiny and glimmery, I feel like a rockstar. Order a bottle of 20 Fl.Oz. now for the introductory price of 39.99 Moneys. You can call 1-800-DATAWARS or order online at www.datawarstore.local. [Asian AD Man] For drone delivery order via www.fookyoo.local, well, because fo...

[Announcer] Welcome to Opinion Now, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Good morning, this morning we have a guest that focusses himself on criminal cases that concern the average man. Mr. Jutyen, please, you have the stage! [Mr. Juyten] You wanna know why Lady Justice is blind, it's because in that way she cannot see the truth when all three eyes are blind. And don't get me started about the first two eyes. There was this local obese ugly woman who accused 13 men of rape and each got 15 years in prison. That is 195 years of prison time. By the time the justice apparatus got to future prisoner 14 they realized that they were dealing with a crazy ass fat lady. So it was over till the fat lady sang. Only problem is that she got only 5 to 10 years or so in prison. The 13 men were released from prison, five of them suspected to have been raped during jail time and all is well in the eyes of society. Well, not in my eyes, why does she get off having only so little prison time, a...

♪ I don't care about history, to me it's all a mystery [Caitlyn 12] ♪ I only worry about my homework tomorrow, it feels my brain with sorrow [Jack 14] ♪ Don't worry about things like tomorrow, say is there some money I can borrow [Mark 16] ♪ Ohwell you silly cat tell me more about life ♪ Don't worry I'll do after I finish off my wife [Geffrey] (The dad) ♪ Why the hell am I the last one that gets to speak, If I were a bird I would would peck you to death [Marjory] (The mom) ♪ Hey wait a minute this show isnt about silly old me, its about us humanity being what they could be [Rupert] (Cat) Dad? Yes my son, what is it? Well, I kind of need a new computer, or rather a better video card. Howso, my son? Well, there's a new game coming out that makes use of the new RB Chip! RB Chip, what is that Jack? Well, it's the Real Blood Chip, which allows for ultra realistic blood on your computer screen! It's going to be mega awesome! Well, it's almost christmas, ...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!!! [Talon] Last night an explosion happened at the mansion of Arnold Grunbaumachenacher. Chaniqua my cherry bonbon? [Chaniqua] I do have a high alcohol content but I'm in no way shape or form your bonbon. Apparently lhe last thing he heard before going deaf was meow. People, it seems that Genetically Engineered Housecats are still out there. So if you hear meow, say meow and call 1-800-EMERGENCY. The mansion of Arnold Grunbaumachenacher has been partially destroyed so he's currently residing in the Local Hotel till he has found a new residence. Since he does not know any sign language and still slightly traumatized and confused due to the explosion he has dropped out of the political race. [Talon] Fantastic reporting as always Chaniqua... [Rupert Whisper] I know we did something great Caitlyn, but not a word about this to anyone! [Caitlyn Whisper] My lips are sealed! [Talon] We will be back after the commerc...

(will skip the intro song, fluently written, no []'s, hope you enjoy!!!) Rupert is watching TV... *Zap* A Dictator is coming to power in Local City, prospects are he will win the election, all this and more later in the news... *Zap* Hi, it's time to clean the streets, and We mean really really clean the streets. Sure there will be a lot of cleanup afterwards when the election has been won, but society can finally sleep at night that there are no more bloodsucking minorities in this country that feed of the welfare system. It is time for our Reich to Rise. I Arnold Grunbaumachenacher approve of this message... *Zap* Yeah, this is Rupert, I'm looking for a major explodus, it's a promice to my niece, slash sis, slash caretaker... What does all that mean? Someone I can laugh with, Someone who really loves me for what I am, Someone who cleans my kitty litter... There is no Major Explodus 2000 in stock, I'm sorry Rupert. But Seniorita Taco isn't there any solu...

De Smerige Heer - Eerlijke Boodschappen [111719-0A]

I know Karate. I know Jujitsu. I know Jujuku! What the hell is Jujuku? I don't know but I have a 9mm pistol right here that says you better start running...

[Announcer] Welcome to Opinion Now, here's your host! [Talon] Today we are tackling a difficult subject. In the studio we have a man, or is it a woman. He or she has both bodyparts. The floor is all yours. [Hermafrodyte] Hi, I'm a hermafrodyte and I have both a penis and a vagina. With all these mental diseases like transgendering and homosexuality around the populace at large forgets about my demographic. It is time for us to unite and put those retarded concepts of non binary behind us. When the election comes, choose with your heart as well as your brain. We hermafrodytes are a marginalized part of the community and it's time our voices were also heard... [Talon] Voices heard and they hoped they were deaf, tune in next week when we interview an insane person. Now you might ask yourself the question, aren't they always insane. And yes, but next weeks interviewee is extra insane... ;This bit was in honor of The Emperor of Trolling!!! ;Sorry doing a lot of dutch hum...

[Gaylord McGayson] Hi I'm Gaylord McGayson and I have developed a new type of candy, all you need to do is suck on it... It's an ultra hard rod made out of sugar with a creamy center that will just explode in your mouth after sucking it for five minutes. Nine out of ten gays proclaim that this is the best candy in the world. [Disclaimer] Warning, this product is not suitable for children, or heterosexuals...

Ey Yo Adolph... Hey yo my little kitty nigga... I was sifting through my old records and came up with this one... I downloaded it when I was young and totally forgot about it...

[Announcer] Welcome to SDIA, Special Documentary Inside Access and here's your host! [Talon] Today we will be discussing a taboo subject, but it needs to be adressed. We spray painted a baby hog with adult colors and hosed it with pheromones of a female adult hog in heat. Poor thing never stood a chance. And that's exactly the point Doctor X is trying to make. [Doctor X] You see, I Doctor X, have the assumption that wrong signals are wrong. A ten year old girl in baggy clothing does not tingle the senses. Let her wear tight clothing, lots of makeup and a huge dose of perfume and you have a tragedy waiting to happen. We can blame the perpetrator, but let us not forget the parents that allowed her to enact the illusion that she was ready to mate, copulate or whathaveyou. Let children be children till they are ready. [Talon] I agree, let children be children. We will be back after the commercials with a Bestial Pedophile that adores puppies... [Nigga Lover] I used to be blind, I...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Good evening dear viewer, today another prison escape happened after a drone delivered a jetpack to a famous drugdealer during his moment of airtime. The prison guards did not notice the event, because the last two weeks he was ejaculating on the grass while jerking off. Apparently the jerking off paid off and he escaped. Chaniqua is at the scene, Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Yes, Talon, I can hear you loud and clearly. Apparently the drug dealer had a mobile phone hidden in his behind and ordered a jetpack through FookYoo. [Talon] Fuck me? [Chaniqua] No, Fook Yoo. [Talon] Sorry. [Chaniqua] Anyways, it was during his break that the drone delivered the jetpack. Here's a statement from FookYoo. [Miss Yukihara] We at Fook Yoo are very sorry that this happened, we now are updating our drones and planning software to exclude prison locations. We hope for your understanding! Am I still on? [Chaniqua] Yes, what is it you...

Okay, okay, okay... I'm done, no I'm not, okay, okay, okay... After George Lucas bowed down to the American Public because of constant whining and bitching about the Sith Lord Jar Jar Binks. Star wars got cancer and died. And now with the Mandalorian it is ressurected!!! If I say too much, there will be spoilers and I don't want to ruin the experience! https://1337x.to/torrent/4114743/The-Mandalorian-S01E01-720p-WEB-x265-MiNX-TGx/

[Announcer] Welcome to Opinion Now, here's your host! [Talon] Welcome dear viewer to todays show, today we have a guest who's a fringe scientist. The stage is all yours Doctor Deeana. [Doctor Deeana] blind intestine, Fucking blind intestine. Why do doctors and scientists call it blind. I mean, if we go that route. Blind liver. Blind Kidneys. Blind Penis. Your intestine safeguard has no eyes, why, because it's a fucking organ you morons. And another thing, just because you're too retarded to understand something does not make it junk. Yes, this is a diss to all scientists. Junk DNA is not junk. Main stream scientists are junk. I trust them as far as I can throw them and I have weak muscles... [Talon] Well that was quite a rant, thank you for coming on the show. After the commercials Doctor Hospital will air, todays episode will feature a surgical procedure mid air while sky diving...

[Soundbite] Rooster Prince, this is Chicken Alpha, I have news from Chicken Beta. The Colony has been established at Chickonia. We expect reinforcements within 6 months apparently time moves faster on our new home planet. The invasion of earth to deliberately free the battery chickens on earth is progressing at an unprecedented speed. One more month and you will be crowned king, many chickens with Sidewinders, Hellfires and ASRAAMs are standing by as we speak, wait for the pivotal moment in chicken history when we will finally free the battery factory chickens... [Announcer] Welcome to News Live, here's your host! [Talon] We now are getting reports that the chickens are in posession of a Kinzhal Missile, people, if you care about the human race... Buy chicken meat today an consecutively for the coming three months. We have to lower their population, this is getting out of hand!!! Chaniqua is at the scene, or rather at a local chicken farm. Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Sssst, I don...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite Host!!! [Talon] Today a horrific discovery was made, an unreleased poem by Adolph Hitler, no not the rapper, the dictator. We at Channel One are shocked to be informed about this new development. Now follows the Poem. Hitler Adolph 1939 Violets are blue, I hate the Jew Roses are red, I want them Dead We will continue to inform you as this story develops! More news after the commercials...

I decided to roll a small joint for my downstairs neighbour, only to find him asleep. I placed the joint next to the remote... picked up his lighter from the other couch, his final beer of the day out of his backpack. I cannot predict the future, but I'm  110% convinced that he will wake up with a smile!!!

We have received new information about the events during the 9/11 attacks in 2001 the hijacking terrorists  took over the plane.  It has come to our attention that the American Government obfuscated, had hidden, the actual actions of the terrorist aboard. It has been revealed through leaked documents that the terrorists played a song on loop via the plane's intercom. We now present you with that song...

Nederlandse TV is nu een soort van kanker geworden, waar zijn programma's als Kopspijkers, Wakfu en Van Kooten en de Bie gebleven. Zijn we zo ver gezakt als maatschappij dat we niets beters kunnen verzinnen. Nou ik kan dat wel...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Again welcome to tonight's show, today I have a guest in studio who claims civilization and culture is on the break of a new era. Professor Digital, please elaborate. [Prof. Digital] Thank you for having me, the way I see it we're about to have a evolutionairy breakthrough when it comes to digital interactions between people. You see, ever since the rise of emoji's there have been misunderstandings. What does each exact emoji literally mean. Are you laughing, or are you rolling on the floor laughing. Who's to tell at this point. It is my understanding and contention that within the next ten years keyboards will be equipped with emoji buttons and that the meaning of them will be added to the alphabet in pre school. This way everyone will understand this new way of conveying emotions to others. [Talon] That's a bold statement Professor Digital, would you mind another interview within a year o...

Het is 4 mei, 1 over 8... JA, DOE MIJ MAAR EEN FRIETJE OORLOG, jeweetwel TV hangt aan de muur in de friettent, een bejaarde naast je staat te janken... TROUWENS DOE OOK MAAR EEN BROODJE EI, IK HEB MINUTIE NODIG VOOR IN DE SLAAPKAMER, JE WEET WEL EIWITTEN... DAT GAAT EEN EXPLOSIEVE SITUATIE WORDEN IN DE SLAAPKAMER... Oh, oeps sorry, ik had mijn oordopjes in. Ik was Hell March aan het luisteren van Command and Conquer...

*Geffrey is watching TV late at night* [Announcer] Have you ever seen a raging terrorist armed with a fully automatic assault rifle? [Geffrey] No, that's why I'm still alive! [Announcer] Can you envision the horror he'd cause? [Geffrey] No, because I'm not there. Time to switch the channel... *ZAP* ...Hi, does your penis seems small and you would like an enlargement?... *ZAP* ...Does your wife fake orgasms?... *ZAP* ...Doesn't it seem that you can never do enough in the bedroom?... *ZAP TV Off* [Geffrey] I don't know if this some ancient urge, but I gotta have you right now Marjory. I feel like my manhood depends on it and that I have to prove myself all night long! [Marjory] All night long? [Geffrey] Shush woman, and now get into the bedroom and undress... [Marjory] Oh, Geffrey, I rarely get to see this side of you. Shall I light some candles? [Geffrey] No, I want to leave the lights on, I want to see all of you and you will feel my earthquakes till the morning...

Kinda needs some work, but who am I to prevent you from reading this now, Enjoy!!! *Ring* *Ring* [Rudolph] Yo this is Ruup! [Adolph] Ey Yo Nigga, this is Adolph, you know what I just read about on the internet? [Rudolph] The weather? Nah, I'm just joking, tell me! [Adolph] You know right how people were against the New Major. [Rudolph] You don't have to tell me, it was all over the new! [Adolph] Not everything, it turns out a bunch of niggas went and scalped a retard! [Rudolph] Am I hearing that correctly, a bunch of niggas scalped a retard? [Adolph] Yeah nigga, shit's crazy man, I really have to process this. Anyway my nigga cat, when are you coming by to record your demo, the studio is ready and I'm full of anticipation!!! [Rupert] How late do you wake up tomorrow morning? [Adolph] I want to kick these bitches out at 9 AM but I'm no Grunbau you know, so they'll probably be gone around ten. Lets meet up at ten thirty. [Rupert] Sounds of a plan, allright see y...

That's not Sonic the Hedgehog, that's an actual hedgehog spray painted blue, see it's already dying because of the toxicants in the paint... yup... it's dead... No, that man in red and blue is not Mario, that's an actual italian plumber!!! That ain't Link from Zelda, son, we're at a christmas event in the mall, those are Santa's Elves! But daddy, why is that Elf carrying a sword like Link? Probably the union talks failed son, let's leave the mall as soon as possible!!! No son, don't jump on that creature, that's a turtle, not a Koopa Trooper!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!! [Talon]Today a local police officer rescued a senior citizen who had a heart attack. Chaniqua is at the scene as always and has spoken to the police officers. Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] He wasn't equiped with a defibrilator, so he switched to his taser and tazed him back to life. Later this week he will be awarded by the major for his heroic deed of tazing an elderly man that was lying dead on the pavement. [Talon] So heroic, if I was gay I'd wanna marry him. [Chaniqua] Well, if he's straight sign me up right now! Who would have thought that tasers actually help saving lives, here's a witness account of the situation. [Witness] I went downstairs for a cold pop and I saw him lying on the floor. And I thought o' Lord Jesus. I knew something was up so I ran outside with no shoes on or nothing, ain't nobody got time for that!! I've got Bronchitis!!! [Talon] Thank you for watching News Tonight, see yo...

[Announcer] Welcome to Gaming Insider Super Ultra News, or GISUN for short, here's your host! [GISUN Host] We now turn to an interview with a Hammer Brother. [Hammer Brother] Yeah, I was doing construction work and all of a sudden this maniac in red and blue shows up shooting fireballs. I never have been scared this much in my life. He ran straight towards us shooting fireballs, and then he jumped over me like I wasn't even there. Last thing I saw was him disappearing in a sewage pipe. My brothers funeral was last week and I think I'll need some time to recover. [GISUN Host] Yes, I understand completely and my condolences in name of Channel One. Do you have anything to add dear Mister Hammer? [Hammer Brother] I want to warn anyone and everyone in The Mushroom Kingdom. You don't have to come and confess and tell that you did that, we looking for you! We gonna find you, I'm gonna let you know now, so you can run and tell that Homeboy. [Talon] Thank you for those cl...

[Soundbite] Our local movie recording studios have decided to become more inclusive after complaints from Transexuals. Right now as we speak they are digitally adding trans people to the movie Shaka Zulu. Transsexuals have rejoiced at this move and many of them are en route to the movie studio to stand in front of a green screen. [Kalisha] Hi, I'm Kalisha, I finally get to be in the movies this is a dream come true? Will they digitally remove the bulge in your pants? [Announcer] See it all tonight on Celebrity Inside Access or CIA for short... ♫ His mansion lies in the city outskirts, when he sucks your blood it hurts ♫ Yes, yes, it's Count Cocofang. Count Coco Coco Fang ♫ He will be there in the darkness of night, fulfilling his evil plight ♫ Yes, yes, it's Count Cocofang. Count Coco Coco Fang [Count CocoFang] Children, please enjoy my delicious Cocofang Coco Pufs!!! Be bleh be bleh bleh bleh [Soundbite] Did you just fart? Yes I deal in fine art. No I just asked ...

[Announcer] Welcome to Disturbed Animals where we take a look at what kind of behaviour animals have when in contact with us humans! Here's your favorite host!!! [Talon] Today, we will be viewing and discussing paintings done by a helper monkey who murdered his owner. Chaniqua is at the scene as always, my dear... [Chaniqua] Who are you calling your dear? [Talon] No I said, my beer, cameraman please get me my beer. Please continue Chaniqua. [Chaniqua] Well apparently they are trying to help the helper monkey to work through the trauma, at least that's what the zoo keepers say. There is no real prison for animals, so they're sent to the zoo. [Talon] Sounds reasonable, please continue... [Chaniqua] Okay, I'm now presenting the paintings from the monkey... [Talon] Why is red the only color it uses? [Chaniqua] Wait, that's not paint, and is that a dead Zookeeper over there. Talon, I'm out of here, please call Animal Control and have this thing put down immediately!!...

Audio:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TB4q6-B0-AU Have you ever seen a nigga? What is a nigga? It's an endearing term for a black person!, again, have you ever seen a nigga? No, I have never seen a nigga!, Why? Because one is stealing your car as we speak. What the fuck a nigga is stealing my car, what the fuck!!!

Welcome to SDIA, Special Documentary Inside Access where today we have another installment discussing our hidden history regarding Grunbau. We already know he amputated peoples legs, froze them and beat them to death with it. We also know he used catapults to extradite unwanted immigrants and even cows. Today we will shine some light on an even more inhumane subject. The abuse of horses. You see, Grunbau had difficulty overcoming fortresses of his enemies and those fortresses were a hard tactical obstacle for his expansion into the eastern nations. He equipped horses with explosives and a long fuse. Lit it, then send the horses towards the enemy structures. The enemies of Grunbau did not suspect a thing and only saw the lit fuses once the horses were led inside. You see, the enemy had black horses and Grunbau had white horses. He covered his horsen in tar to deceive his enemies. Once inside it was too late and the horses exploded. The last thing they said was Mehehe. Creating a crater ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHbcLD-sBDQ

*ZAP* ...Hi I'm Jim Beamer and I sell beamers that run on alcohol, order now... *ZAP* ...Last night I heard meow and I called 1-800-EMERGENCY immediately... *ZAP* ...later that night a GEH exploded near a gas station, many dead... *ZAP* ...so you still think cats are cute?... *ZAP* ...tonight on Channel Three an in depth investigation into what and who brought Genetically Engineered Housecats that explode on impact into... *ZAP* ...does this cat look cute to you, well it's a GEH and about to kill you!!... *ZAP* [Rupert] Rupert, first it was the Jews, and then the Vietnamese, The Blacks, and now us Cats. [Caitlyn] I feel you Ruup! [Rupert] I know you do, you keep petting me...

I'm still developing my vocal skills, please enjoy the audio version!! [Announcer] Welcome to Gaming Insider Super Ultra News, or GISUN for short, here's your host! [GISUN Host] Today we feature an interview with the one and only Mario. I sat down with him in the Chilling and Gaming room and asked him some questions. Here it goes. So Mario, how are your psychiatric sessions going, I mean your princess keeps getting abducted, that must leave some scars doesn't it? [Mario] It'sa me Mario! [GISUN HOST] Yes I get that, but after those horrible experiences you still let your brother into haunted mansions, don't you have any ethics? [Mario] Wohoo! [GISUN Host] You don't want to discuss this subject matter, so I will switch to another subject, get it, Switch. Anyway, do you feel it safe for your ancient reptile to crawl behind a steering wheel and make aerial acrobatic jumps. Yoshi still hasn't received his drivers license so we are kinda worried about his well...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Good evening people, welcome to the news of today so you can plan tomorrow! What, no, that does not work. Today our Local Government has legalized weed. In celebration Chaniqua is here in the studio with me today and we're both smoking weed to celebrate. Wait, did I just use celebrate twice in one sentence. [Chaniqua] Now this is some good shit, wait did I just swear on the news, shit. [Talon] Haha, you just used shit twice in one sentence. [Chaniqua] What did you say nigga? [Talon] I'm the bad excuse for chalk remember, Mr Tipp Ex extraordinaire. Anyway, we'll keep this segment short as in ending it right now. Let's play some cartoons till the commercials. [Chaniqua] Awesome!! [Talon] We will be back after the commercials with a Pig that wants Beef, but is really Chicken!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to Opinion Now, here's your top host! [Talon] Today we have a historian of WWII events who offers a different perspective of the implications it has on society today. Mr Jarkes, the podium is yours. [Mr Jarkes] World War II was a terrible period in human history, nowadays the jewish people have the victim card, status or what have you. Where were the Jews when I was demonized as a child for having red hair. Where are the Jews now supporting those who are downthrotten like the black population in most countries. Have you ever seen the Jewish population stand up for Arabic women who are being beaten, enslaved, raped and killed by their men. It seems they only care about themselves and the only thing they're invested in is keeping their victim status. You see, once the Jews actually stand up for other religions and or races, they will obtain a hero card which will nullify their victim card. [Talon] Those are some damning statements, we will be back after the co...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your top host Maxis Jaxxon! [Maxis Jaxxon] You, this morning when I drove to work I passed by a farming area and saw cows grazing. There was a train track and I had to stop for a moment, as I turned my attention to the right I saw a cow from behind, only seconds later I saw it's sphincter open up and cowdung started to emerge. And that really made me think people, the government sees us as shit and when it's done with us we will we expelled like excrement. You know what they do in third world countries? They build houses with cow dung, or dry it for usage to cook food. Now I'm not saying that the government is building houses out of actual people, or that we are used to cook food, but I hope you get my point. And now we will get to the news of today. I'm getting reports from trusted secret anonymous shadowy hard to find sources that the Chickens have landed on what they call Chickonia Prime. Now people, this is not the t...

No, this is not a commercial for a dating App or something, she is not deciding something naughty! She's shushing her dog. Because you focus on her the dog becomes invisible, now that's what I call smart advertising!!!

[Maxis Jaxxon] Hello this is Maxis Jaxxon doing a Vlog for DATAWAR Conspiracy Now. I just saw a mouse eat a cat, yes an actual a mouse ate a cat. It's not that the mouse was so big, it's just that the cat was so small. Just a tiny little kitten that entered my backyard. I was too late to go rescue it and the mouse escaped with one paw and a tail sticking out of it's mouth. The last sound it made was meow. You know what that symbolizes people, the mouse is a biblical representation of David and the kitten is a young goliath ready to grow into a giant. You see, we the public, the mouse. Have to eat the kitten before it becomes a cat and devours us. There is a lesson in this, for you see this mouse was 14 inches tall, or 30 centimeters. Why it was so big I have no idea, but the size is a symbol of our national cohesion, as long as we stick together we can prevail. Well, that was it, I'm off to the pet store for some rat poison. See you on Conspiracy Now and as always, stay...

*Ring* *Ring* [Rudolph] Yo this is Ruup! [Adolph] Ey Yo Nigga, this is Adolph, you know what I just read about on the internet? [Rudolph] The weather? Nah, I'm just joking, tell me! [Adolph] You know right how people were against the New Major. [Rudolph] You don't have to tell me, it was all over the new! [Adolph] Not everything, it turns out a bunch of niggas went and scalped a retard! I used to say till the day niggas scalp retards, but now I use till hell freezes over!! [Rudolph] Am I hearing that correctly, a bunch of niggas scalped a retard? [Adolph] Yeah nigga, shit's crazy man, I really have to process this. Anyway my nigga cat, when are you coming by to record your demo, the studio is ready and I'm full of anticipation!!! [Rupert] How late do you wake up tomorrow morning? [Adolph] I want to kick these bitches out at 9 AM but I'm no Grunbau you know, so they'll probably be gone around ten. Lets meet up at ten thirty. [Rupert] Sounds of a plan, allright se...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight Extra Update, here's your host! [Talon] Well it seems it will take another two months for the Rooster King to emerge, we have seen test flights with ASRAAM's and Hellfire's. But it will take some time before this event will unfold! [Jack] I'm getting hungry, this all makes me wanna go for some drum sticks! [Rupert] Please order from www.honestchicken.local, those battery chickens are the cause of the coming turmoil! [Caitlyn] Coming turmoil, what do you mean Ruup? [Rupert] Well, lets just say I have inside information. [Mark] You always say that, even when you're getting something from the fridge!! [Rupert] No seriously, it seems the chickens are getting fed up being put into tiny cages and are preparing an offensive... [Chicken Alpha] This is Chicken Alpha sending out a message, you will suffer our wrath's rages, for putting our pkok in cages!!! Upon our dying breath, we swear we'll put you to death.... [Government Of...

[Announcer] Welcome to comments on Youtube too funny too miss where we take information from Dimension AG-47. .. As usual, presented without commentary... TalonNL999 1 uur geleden (bewerkt) There was a typo in the contract which now has been put to use, expect a trailer soon for The Wookie!!! [Soundbite] You sure you want me to wear this? Yes Nathan, we are sure! But it stinks of sweat and pee, did the original actor pee in this suit and has it never been washed?

[Rupert] I'm thinking about writing a book that comes with two dices... You see, on every page there will be a piece of the story, sometimes you go backward one page and sometimes you might even skip 2. But the best part is that on some pages you get to roll a dice for a secret exit of the current page entering a page of the book that you would otherwise have skipped! [Mark] Rupert, are you trying to turn Dungeons and Dragons into a book format you can play all by yourself? [Rupert] Sounds like it, but don't tell this to anyone!!! ;Hmm, Prince Phillip and the Rat King, seriously, that would be too complex... Addendum: Maybe there will be a deck of cards to indicate life points or something on the side as you progress through the story... The idea is still evolving within my consciousness, and yes I still have to write Prince Phillip and The Rat King, but that will take months and probably better done sober... This project I have in mind as well, every moment there are ideas f...

Most Racist - Most Insane - Most Anti Social - Most Ridiculous - Most Confronting - Most Anti Gay - Most Anti Lesbian - Most Anti Trans - Most Anti Midget - Most Anti Colored People - Most Anti Jewish - Most Anti Christian - Most Anti Muslim - Most Anti Female - Most Anti Male I dearly thank all readers for nominating me for so many awards, this is truly a dream come true!!!  😘

[Announcer] Welcome to another episode of Opinon Now, today we are featuring a politician that has some unique insights in inhaling the you know what. Here's your Host!!! [Talon] A once famous politician that claimed he never inhaled marihuana smoke has actually inhaled marhuana yesterday. [Soundbite] Pfwuah... Pffffoooooo... O my god, I'm so high right now, where's my trans husband, oops, I mean my wife, hahahaha... She should really hit this shit, this shit is awesome.... [Talon] These secret recordings from a hotel room have shattered the previous presidency, who knew he'd actually take a hit from that blunt. Here's another politician that has an opinion. [High Politician] Wait, give me a few seconds while I put this one out and light another. I'm of the opinion that everyone should have the freedom to smoke weed in their pursuit of happyness. Wait a few seconds, gotta light this one! [Talon] I'll wait... but if you don't mind me, I'll light one a...

[Announcer] This is outside of our regular programming, but our sponsor had something to say... [Talon] Hahaha, isn't that funny, there is no sponsor. All 30 comedians came together on Channel One for a sole reason. To bring entertainment to you folks at home. We all hope you enjoyed the show and yes, we will be back next year. If you think you're good enough sign up now for MCB2020. Email us at mcb2020@email.local and try in the auditions to earn a spot in next years show!!!... [Maxis Jaxxon] Hi Datawarrior, I present to you Datawars Bodylotion, watch me smear this overpriced product all over my body. Call 1-800-DATAWAR and order a tube today for the introductory price of only 14.99 Moneys!! Order now, because our supply is getting low!!! [Rupert] I tried the stuff, it smells nice and does wonders for my fur! [Caitlyn] Yes, but how many times do I have to watch Maxis Jaxxon smearing his semi naked body in lotion? I mean, it has gotta end sometime right? [Rupert] Seeing his...

I was like Sixteen years old and we bought "Strijkers" / "Strikers" and "KanonSlagen" / "Cannon Blasts", they were also firework explosives that you had to strike against a matchbox... Those Cannon Blasts closely resembled TNT explosives and they were about an inch in diameter... So what did I do... I bought a set of sparklers, big sparklers I might add, about 20 inches long, or 45 centimeters or something. I took one of the sparklers, taped three Canon Blasts at the bottom. Walked into an old folks home, like a flat appartment for seniors, and might I add, they were all World War II Survivors... So at the bottom of the staircase is this hatch right, but I'll save the crawl space story for another time. Anyway, I lit the sparkler and placed it on the hatch and me and 2 buddies at the time walked out... It was like 65 seconds later when we walked across the street and there was a BangBangBang behind us... Right at that moment someone passed us...

[Soundbite] Have you seen a homosexual lying on his back on the ground? I will when I have punched your face you gay bastard!!! [Announcer] See it all tonight on Gay Puncher 2077, it's a story about a cyberpunk setting and crazy ass cop in the year 2077. [Disclaimer] viewer discretion is advised as this show contains extreme violence and even more extreme nudity!!! Bonus Stuff... (New Name in Universe AG-47, Terry Phillipsson, name is still not permanent) (Is this text illegal, please email or call me) Have you ever punched a gay man in the face? Why you asking me that nigga, do I look like someone who enjoys beating up innocent gay men? What about that nigga in the alley, he's pretty fucked up/ Yo Nigga, I'm straight, but I run a gay brothel like the most descent pimp alive yo. I never hit my bitches, and that bitch... Are we still talking about men? Yeah bitch, so this bitch right started taking money and not paying his due's right, so I had no choice but to ...fuc...

[Announcer] Welcome viewer to Nightly Calls where Maxis will be taking phonecalls, and here's your Host Maxis Jaxxon!!! [Maxis] As I was driving to work I saw a boat floating on the water like a dewdrop atop of a leaf. And then I thought about the function of leaves, they are there to catch sunlight. And that's exactly what we do at the beach. Where am I going with this? I have no idea, let's take some calls... Caller number one you're on... [Caller 1] Hi, thank you so much for all the work you do I worship you like a saint [Maxis] I'm no saint, believe me!! What is it you wanted to say? [Caller 1] Well, I'm starting to get affraid of my cat, I think it's Satan in disguise, I mean, it's such a cute cute kitty, prince mittens, you're such a cute cute kitty... [Maxis] I'm breaking off this call, up next caller number two... [Caller 2] Yeah hi, I bought your cream and smeared it all over my body, do you want me to email selfies?? [Maxis] Next... [Ca...

[Announcer] Welcome to SDIA, Special Documentary Inside Access. Tonight we will uncover hidden history that finally will see the light of day. We only have fragments as the records of this event in human history has been obfuscated from societies view. Here's your host!!! [Talon] Hi, and welcome dear viewer, tonight we will feature an interview with a Grunbau War Survivor by the name of Granny Runetta. Runetta, how are you today? [Runetta] I'm fine thank you for asking! [Talon] I'm asking you this, because we will be focussing on a hidden piece of history that was hidden from humanity because of it's devestating effect it had on human society. Where shall we begin? Where were you born? [Runetta] Well, I was born locally you know, and the country to the west from us had a new dictator in power. We almost suffered from famine so many emigrated to the west. [Talon] And what then happened? [Runetta] Well, the food reserves to the west were depleted, within two years the imm...

[Rupert] I made someone look dickish today, so I was buying a bottle of Ruby Port right, and the person next to me had some snacks and drinks on the cassiere's moving band and there was a lady in a wheelchair behind my. My turn wasn't up yet, so I decided to help. Now I could have asked the young man behind me to help here because he hadn't noticed it yet. But I chose to adress her like, miss should I put your groceries on the belt, almost pushing him aside and I went and put her stuff on the cassiere's moving belt, making him feel silly, at least that's what I like to believe... [Marjory] Rupert, are you tallking to yourself again?.. [Rupert] Sorry Marjory, force of habit... I'm gonna watch some TV... *ZAP* [Announcer] Tonight on SDIA, Special Documentary Inside Access.n An Asian man claims to have developped the ultimate aphrodesiac you can let women consume, it has 49% Banana Juice and 49% Cucumber Juice, the remaining 2% will remain a secret. See it all to...

[Geffrey] The show starts in eight minutes... Everyone in front of the television, check. Cola for the kids, check, beer for me and Marjory, check. Popcorn, check. Remote safely on the table, check... [Mark] Shut up dad, it's starting... [Caitlyn] Woo Yeah!!!... [Jack] Hell yes... [Disclaimer] Viewer discretion is not only it's also mandatory!!! [Announcer] Good evening dear viewer and welcome to Mega Comedy Blast 2019, we selected the 30 best comedians in our local country and they're here to perform for you the audience here tonight. Off course this is being livestreamed at www.youstream.local so also a big welcome to all you streamers. I'm the Announcer and here's your host for tonight!!! [Talon] Welcome welcome dear audience, you all up for some fun and laughter *Audience Cheers*... Since we only have sixty minutes and a whopping thirty comedians there will be no time for introductions And remember people, this is not a contest, it's a bunch of us comedian...

[Announcer] Do you like to see racist jokes on television? Well, so do I, as do we all at Channel One!! Tune in tonight at 20:00 for the annual Mega Comedy Blast at Channel One!!! [Cait] Ruup, Ruup, MCB is on Channel One tonight... They didn't even say don't miss it so you know it's going to be super awesome!!!