The Newsaholic Episode 13 - Rupert & Caitlyn's TNT adventure
(will skip the intro song, fluently written, no []'s, hope you enjoy!!!)
Rupert is watching TV...
*Zap* A Dictator is coming to power in Local City, prospects are he will win the election, all this and more later in the news... *Zap* Hi, it's time to clean the streets, and We mean really really clean the streets. Sure there will be a lot of cleanup afterwards when the election has been won, but society can finally sleep at night that there are no more bloodsucking minorities in this country that feed of the welfare system. It is time for our Reich to Rise. I Arnold Grunbaumachenacher approve of this message... *Zap*
Yeah, this is Rupert, I'm looking for a major explodus, it's a promice to my niece, slash sis, slash caretaker... What does all that mean? Someone I can laugh with, Someone who really loves me for what I am, Someone who cleans my kitty litter... There is no Major Explodus 2000 in stock, I'm sorry Rupert. But Seniorita Taco isn't there any solution? Well, My mineworker nephew might get his hands on some TNT, in fact I'm sure of it. Oh that's awesome, do you have the phone number for me? Yes, it's 1-800-NEPHEWTACO. Okay, great thanks. *Rupert calls 1-800-NEPHEWTACO* Hi, this is 2nd Senorita Taco, who is this? Oh, this is Rupert, might I say you have a beautiful voice? Yes you may, thank you. Is your husband perhaps home? No, he's at the mine. So Rupert, why are you calling us? Well, to be honest Senorita Taco. I made a promise to a little girl I love very much and I failed her, and the only thing that is going to rectify this mistake is a major explosion in a residential area. My uncle had the same problem with me, nowadays my parental home is a crater and I'm happily married. You know what, what is a stick to Dynamite to him. I'll have him express mail one to you free of charge, go make your little niece proud of you, you cute kitty cat. *Rupert Purs* Oh thank you so much! Send it to Freemason Lane 432, area Code 0000, Local City.
2 days later, in the middle of the night
...Pssst, Cait, Cait... hey little one, wake up, Cait, Cait... What Rupert, why the hell are you waking me up in the middle of the night? Sssst. Not so loud Caitlyn, we musn't wake up the other ones. I'm making good on my promise so I can really earn your forgiveness. What, you have another explosive? Sssst. Not so loud Caitlyn. And yes, I have another explosive. What is that, some sort of red stick. Ahh, you didn't grow up with looney tunes, this is a stick of TNT, 1.12 times more explosive than the Major Explodus 2000. Jeez, Ruup, you have outdone yourself, so when are we doing this? How about right now? But how are we going to use it Ruup? Let's get out of the house, we talk later. Okay... *Rupert & Caitlyn exit the house*
Ten minutes later...
Okay, we're in an alley behind his house. Who's house Rupert? It's an illegitemate son of Grunbau that wants to establish a dicatorship in this country. You noticed all those pamflets in the street? What, I thought that was the gay parade, they always leave such a mess. No, that's Arnold Grunbaumachenacher. He's on the ballot. And if he gets his way, it's over for me and all those immigrants who contribute to society. This isn't just some cool explosion, we're going to take out the bad guy! What, are we going to kill him, really kill him... We can't he's sleeping on the second floor and you're not a cat. What is that supposed to mean? Well, you can't land on four feet, can't jump very well and everytime you take a step you make noise. Ha, ha, you don't have to rub it in. I didn't, otherwise I'd be busy for five minutes. Anyway, do you want to lite it. Luckily there's extra fuse so we don't have to hurry. Let's place it on his porch... Okay, the note that came with it said the fuse would last 3 minutes. *Caitlyn lights the fuse* Okay Cait, let's skedaddle out of here. *Caitlyn and Rupert run away*
...now that we are running, it takes 10 minutes to get home. What do you mean Rupert? Well the fuse is 3.2 minutes in total, so 6 minutes before we get home the TNT will explode and hospitalize Arnold Grunbaumachenacher so he will fall out of the political race. Since... hey Cait, keep running... Since everyone at home will run out the front door in shock we will enter via the backyard into the home and come out later.
3 Minutes later...
*BOOM*
Oh my god Ruup, we did it, we did it. Yes I know Caitlyn, let's hurry home.
Meanwhile at home
Marjory, Marjory, what the fuck just happened, did World War III start?
Dad, Dad,... Let's get outside kids and see what happened...
There's smoke in the distance, and do I see flames, Marjory I think I see flames...
7 Minutes Later...
Oh my god Caitlyn, the family has gone out the front door and aren't back yet, good thing we ran this time!! High Five Ruup, Mission Motherfucking Accomplished. Caitlyn, you shouldn't use that word. What, yes, you're absolutely right I'm not Accomplished yet. ; )
The End
(Written by Rob van Loon 111919-0X
Rupert is watching TV...
*Zap* A Dictator is coming to power in Local City, prospects are he will win the election, all this and more later in the news... *Zap* Hi, it's time to clean the streets, and We mean really really clean the streets. Sure there will be a lot of cleanup afterwards when the election has been won, but society can finally sleep at night that there are no more bloodsucking minorities in this country that feed of the welfare system. It is time for our Reich to Rise. I Arnold Grunbaumachenacher approve of this message... *Zap*
Yeah, this is Rupert, I'm looking for a major explodus, it's a promice to my niece, slash sis, slash caretaker... What does all that mean? Someone I can laugh with, Someone who really loves me for what I am, Someone who cleans my kitty litter... There is no Major Explodus 2000 in stock, I'm sorry Rupert. But Seniorita Taco isn't there any solution? Well, My mineworker nephew might get his hands on some TNT, in fact I'm sure of it. Oh that's awesome, do you have the phone number for me? Yes, it's 1-800-NEPHEWTACO. Okay, great thanks. *Rupert calls 1-800-NEPHEWTACO* Hi, this is 2nd Senorita Taco, who is this? Oh, this is Rupert, might I say you have a beautiful voice? Yes you may, thank you. Is your husband perhaps home? No, he's at the mine. So Rupert, why are you calling us? Well, to be honest Senorita Taco. I made a promise to a little girl I love very much and I failed her, and the only thing that is going to rectify this mistake is a major explosion in a residential area. My uncle had the same problem with me, nowadays my parental home is a crater and I'm happily married. You know what, what is a stick to Dynamite to him. I'll have him express mail one to you free of charge, go make your little niece proud of you, you cute kitty cat. *Rupert Purs* Oh thank you so much! Send it to Freemason Lane 432, area Code 0000, Local City.
2 days later, in the middle of the night
...Pssst, Cait, Cait... hey little one, wake up, Cait, Cait... What Rupert, why the hell are you waking me up in the middle of the night? Sssst. Not so loud Caitlyn, we musn't wake up the other ones. I'm making good on my promise so I can really earn your forgiveness. What, you have another explosive? Sssst. Not so loud Caitlyn. And yes, I have another explosive. What is that, some sort of red stick. Ahh, you didn't grow up with looney tunes, this is a stick of TNT, 1.12 times more explosive than the Major Explodus 2000. Jeez, Ruup, you have outdone yourself, so when are we doing this? How about right now? But how are we going to use it Ruup? Let's get out of the house, we talk later. Okay... *Rupert & Caitlyn exit the house*
Ten minutes later...
Okay, we're in an alley behind his house. Who's house Rupert? It's an illegitemate son of Grunbau that wants to establish a dicatorship in this country. You noticed all those pamflets in the street? What, I thought that was the gay parade, they always leave such a mess. No, that's Arnold Grunbaumachenacher. He's on the ballot. And if he gets his way, it's over for me and all those immigrants who contribute to society. This isn't just some cool explosion, we're going to take out the bad guy! What, are we going to kill him, really kill him... We can't he's sleeping on the second floor and you're not a cat. What is that supposed to mean? Well, you can't land on four feet, can't jump very well and everytime you take a step you make noise. Ha, ha, you don't have to rub it in. I didn't, otherwise I'd be busy for five minutes. Anyway, do you want to lite it. Luckily there's extra fuse so we don't have to hurry. Let's place it on his porch... Okay, the note that came with it said the fuse would last 3 minutes. *Caitlyn lights the fuse* Okay Cait, let's skedaddle out of here. *Caitlyn and Rupert run away*
...now that we are running, it takes 10 minutes to get home. What do you mean Rupert? Well the fuse is 3.2 minutes in total, so 6 minutes before we get home the TNT will explode and hospitalize Arnold Grunbaumachenacher so he will fall out of the political race. Since... hey Cait, keep running... Since everyone at home will run out the front door in shock we will enter via the backyard into the home and come out later.
3 Minutes later...
*BOOM*
Oh my god Ruup, we did it, we did it. Yes I know Caitlyn, let's hurry home.
Meanwhile at home
Marjory, Marjory, what the fuck just happened, did World War III start?
Dad, Dad,... Let's get outside kids and see what happened...
There's smoke in the distance, and do I see flames, Marjory I think I see flames...
7 Minutes Later...
Oh my god Caitlyn, the family has gone out the front door and aren't back yet, good thing we ran this time!! High Five Ruup, Mission Motherfucking Accomplished. Caitlyn, you shouldn't use that word. What, yes, you're absolutely right I'm not Accomplished yet. ; )
The End
(Written by Rob van Loon 111919-0X
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