Channel One's Mega Comedy Blast of 2019!!! [110219-AA]
[Geffrey] The show starts in eight minutes... Everyone in front of the television, check. Cola for the kids, check, beer for me and Marjory, check. Popcorn, check. Remote safely on the table, check... [Mark] Shut up dad, it's starting... [Caitlyn] Woo Yeah!!!... [Jack] Hell yes...
[Disclaimer] Viewer discretion is not only it's also mandatory!!! [Announcer] Good evening dear viewer and welcome to Mega Comedy Blast 2019, we selected the 30 best comedians in our local country and they're here to perform for you the audience here tonight. Off course this is being livestreamed at www.youstream.local so also a big welcome to all you streamers. I'm the Announcer and here's your host for tonight!!! [Talon] Welcome welcome dear audience, you all up for some fun and laughter *Audience Cheers*... Since we only have sixty minutes and a whopping thirty comedians there will be no time for introductions And remember people, this is not a contest, it's a bunch of us comedians coming together to give you the audience at home an evening filled with laughter... Here's our first contestant!!
[1 Asian Comedian]
Why do you rarely see a black person eat a banana, what, affraid you get mistaken for a monkey???
[White Comedian posing as fake announcer]
Contestant Number Two couldn't make it, he had to take a shit... Get it, Number Two?!?!?... Just kidding, I was contestant Nr.2.
[2 Fat White Comedian]
So this muslim woman in Arabia was defeciant in Vitamin C right, so her husband throws ascorbic acid in her face...
[3 Irish Comedian, secretly voiced by yours truly]
Have you ever seen a dog on fire my friend asked, I replied, No but I have seen a bitch in heat...
[4 Young White Comedian with grandmother issues]
Have you ever thought to yourself that grandmothers wearing adult diapers are a commercial for euthenasia?....
[5 Middle Aged Black Comedian]
He said TV used to be white and black... And I was like, black, black, did you just say black you white ass motherfucker?... It was only 50 seconds later I realized he had a weak heart and was having a heart attack. Emergency services sadly did not arrive in time...
[6Vietnamese Immigrant Comedian]
Hi I would like to order a Vietnamese Lumpia for lunch... Wait a minute, what's that orange stuff on top? Mister, that's cloud orange. And I said, what the hell how old are these fucking Lumpias??? No wonder there are no leaves on the trees over here...
[7 Slim White Comedian]
You know all that talk about see and hear dogs, I mean we all know dogs can see and hear, but what does the dog tell the blind person???
[8 Hip Gamer Comedian]
You know that almost nobody gives a fuck about family anynore, you know who still do? The Mafia!!! Everything is about the familia, and don't even get me started about Mexican Criminal Cartels. They act tough in public but still hug their mothers with great admiration, care and affection! Tell that to your 15 year old son who's too busy playing games to visit grandma..
[9 Skinny Black Comedian]
Seriously nigga's so I'm talking to a brother of mine about robbing the local bank and I asked him have you ever used a firearm? You know what he said to me? Does a waterpistol count? I was like, Nigga, Nigga, how the hell do you count a waterpistol as a motherfucking firearm???...
[10 Trekkie Comedian]
My girlfriend knows I'm into Star Trek and asked me the question if I identified myself with Wesley Crusher. To which I replied I'm more like the Crush Her in the sack type...
[11 Educated Black Comedian]
All these people getting upset about the word nigger... At least nigger is a race, remember yesterday when your wife called you an asshole... She reduced you to a bodypart that smells of poop, I don't know but to me this seems worse than racism...
[12 Stoner Comedian]
Don't be a runt, take care of your wife's cunt, now let me be blunt, I'm about to get high and fire up this blunt...
[13 Maxis Jaxxon thinking he's doing a speech]
The government sees the public as a sort of Titanic, no matter what the government says it never sinks in!!!
[14 Female Comedian from up north]
You know what my dad said yesterday? Honey, I have our daughter on pedofile... Apparently it's a new file system combined with social media to protect children from predators. Still I have this question that boggles my mind, who the hell came up with the term Pedofile???
[15 Car Enthousiast Comedian]
We all like to see accidents right? Am I right? Have you ever seen a car spin out of control and take down 15 pedestrians? Well, me neither and I'm still waiting for that day...
[16 His Brother, also a Comedian]
So now peole are losing their vehicles by criminals who use famous singers as a cover. Yesterday I was waiting on a traffic light and all of a sudden this nigga opens the passenger side and yells... Yo this is Michael Carjackson and I'm taking your vehicle, official police business...
[17 College Student Comedian]
You know right, you know right, there are these strange ass students out there who cannot decide between watching or drinking Bleach... My daughter was one of them, and I said, Bitch first you use bleach to clean the toilet and if you have any spare time left doing your homework you can watch some next...
[18 Black Comedian who uses Nigga too much]
What follows right, is a conversation between me and my grandmother. The coffee is niggalicious! What did you say? I said the coffee is delicious! Okay, it seems the movie is starting. That's niggatastic! What did you say? I said that's fantastic! I don't know where it comes from but sometimes I have the feeling that you're actually racist..
[19 Comedian who denies he's gay]
You know what troubles me about most gay people? They don;t want to come out of the closet, they want to come inside...
[20 Disgruntled Asian Dad Comedian]
Wanna know what my son said yesterday? Shut the fuck up you yellow faced motherfucker! And I was like hey son it's not nice to insult asians and then I realized he was talking to his Legos, he's only six you know...
[21 Gay Curing Priest who claims he's holding a sermon]
Last night I surprised a gay dude with a lot of noise hoping it would scare him straight, it did not help...
[22 Best Black Comedian of 2018]
So I'm sitting in this diner right and the guy next to me says, Could you please pass me the ketchup I want to ejaculate some ketchup onto my fries... And I was like ejaculate ketchup, what the hell is wrong with this nigga and I said... Here you go, here's your ketchup, and please don't ejaculate on me! What other word could he use, I mean the bottles nowadays don't allow you to pour and it does not sound manly when you say I wanna squirt some ketchup onto my fries. Those days are gone...
[23 2nd Best Black COmedian of 2018]
Seriously Ice Cube, getting twenty five nigga's running up on y'all, that's not gangsta anymore, that's a fucking army platoon. I mean, twenty five people with loaded weapons, you could invade a village with that and take control. Want them keys, want them keys... Okay Ice, you like keys and you're looking for them, have you checked the key bowl? On your knees, butt naked please! The hell Ice, I ain't gonna undress for you, what the hell is wrong with you man?
[24 Unknown Irish Comedian]
So this whore's parrot right, got fucked to death, it kept saying fuck me fuck me fuck me and then it met it's demise...
[25 Well known White Conservative Comedian]
Gender swap surgery, motherfucking gender swap surgery, are those patients and doctors actually retarded??? You cannot change your gender. Yeah you, yeah you surgeons out there, get your IQ back in order and call it plastic surgery... Why do they call it plastic surgery, plastic stands for fake. If you have a weird ass nose, you can hide it with plastic surgery. But hey surprise, that crappy nose now adorns your daughters face. Get it through your heads people, plastic surgery is not DNA alteration...
[26 Traumatized Black Comedian]
So this bitch with this fat ass right, no I'm not joking, I'm sharing a trauma!!!
[27 Senior Taco]
What do you call a mexican that loves candy? A Jellybeaner... How do you call a black person from Mexico? A Wetblack...
[28 Gangsta that identifies himself as a comedian]
I said Bitch shut the hell up, you know what she did? She opened her fucking mouth, she opened her fucking mouth people and thus she left me no choice so I had to bitchslap her. Not once, but twice..
[29 Best Gay Comedian of 2018]
I'm a gay comedian right and I went to this bar right and then this weird ass dude steps in right so the bartender said... Sir, you do realize that this is a Gay Bar right? I know, I'm Gay! Really, I can see the heterosexual masculine energies oozing out of your aura! What are you really doing here? I'm just curious! Sir, if you want to see a show visit the Gay Parade, us real homosexuals like to live our lives with a sense of dignity and it's time we got some respect!!! Continueing... So this guy comes up to me right, acting all tough... started calling me names and shit, next thing I knew he started throwing punches at me, for real bro... So I started to defend myself and beat his ass... Then the police shows up and arrests me, not the other dude that attacked me, but me. How about that, is that how our justice systems work, the attacker gets off scott free? Turns out the assaulting dude was a post op trans woman that changed to a man. Ain't that some fucking motherfucking fucked up ass shit... She wants to be seen as a man, but be treated as a woman. You cannot have it both ways and it's time society realized that!!!
[Talon] Those were the other 29 contestants, surprise, I'm comedian number 30, I hope you enjoy!!!
I said to my wife, that's a dickish move. She got upset and that I shouldn't use male words to describe her actions. To which I replied, ok then you're fucking cunt. She got upset even more and started throwing plates against wall. And I was like, hey I used a female term...
Anyway, So I was visiting this little village right, I went into a convenience store and asked a black employee where the crackers are. He said, I'll point you to the crackers, you see those white people over there? Yes I said, then he said, the crackers are next to the crackers. To which I replied, are you calling white people crackers? And then he said, no they're the local bowling team, you know, the Salty Crackers... And then I asked why are they satlty? And he replied because they always lose you know...
This was it for Mega Comedy Blast 2019, hope you all enjoyed the show and we hope to see you next year as well!!!
[Announcer] Welcome back to our regular programming, we at Channel One hope you have enjoyed the show and now for some commercials and then the news...
(Written by Rob van Loon 2019, again, enjoy and viewer/reader discretion is advised, thank you for enjoying!)
[Disclaimer] Viewer discretion is not only it's also mandatory!!! [Announcer] Good evening dear viewer and welcome to Mega Comedy Blast 2019, we selected the 30 best comedians in our local country and they're here to perform for you the audience here tonight. Off course this is being livestreamed at www.youstream.local so also a big welcome to all you streamers. I'm the Announcer and here's your host for tonight!!! [Talon] Welcome welcome dear audience, you all up for some fun and laughter *Audience Cheers*... Since we only have sixty minutes and a whopping thirty comedians there will be no time for introductions And remember people, this is not a contest, it's a bunch of us comedians coming together to give you the audience at home an evening filled with laughter... Here's our first contestant!!
[1 Asian Comedian]
Why do you rarely see a black person eat a banana, what, affraid you get mistaken for a monkey???
[White Comedian posing as fake announcer]
Contestant Number Two couldn't make it, he had to take a shit... Get it, Number Two?!?!?... Just kidding, I was contestant Nr.2.
[2 Fat White Comedian]
So this muslim woman in Arabia was defeciant in Vitamin C right, so her husband throws ascorbic acid in her face...
[3 Irish Comedian, secretly voiced by yours truly]
Have you ever seen a dog on fire my friend asked, I replied, No but I have seen a bitch in heat...
[4 Young White Comedian with grandmother issues]
Have you ever thought to yourself that grandmothers wearing adult diapers are a commercial for euthenasia?....
[5 Middle Aged Black Comedian]
He said TV used to be white and black... And I was like, black, black, did you just say black you white ass motherfucker?... It was only 50 seconds later I realized he had a weak heart and was having a heart attack. Emergency services sadly did not arrive in time...
[6Vietnamese Immigrant Comedian]
Hi I would like to order a Vietnamese Lumpia for lunch... Wait a minute, what's that orange stuff on top? Mister, that's cloud orange. And I said, what the hell how old are these fucking Lumpias??? No wonder there are no leaves on the trees over here...
[7 Slim White Comedian]
You know all that talk about see and hear dogs, I mean we all know dogs can see and hear, but what does the dog tell the blind person???
[8 Hip Gamer Comedian]
You know that almost nobody gives a fuck about family anynore, you know who still do? The Mafia!!! Everything is about the familia, and don't even get me started about Mexican Criminal Cartels. They act tough in public but still hug their mothers with great admiration, care and affection! Tell that to your 15 year old son who's too busy playing games to visit grandma..
[9 Skinny Black Comedian]
Seriously nigga's so I'm talking to a brother of mine about robbing the local bank and I asked him have you ever used a firearm? You know what he said to me? Does a waterpistol count? I was like, Nigga, Nigga, how the hell do you count a waterpistol as a motherfucking firearm???...
[10 Trekkie Comedian]
My girlfriend knows I'm into Star Trek and asked me the question if I identified myself with Wesley Crusher. To which I replied I'm more like the Crush Her in the sack type...
[11 Educated Black Comedian]
All these people getting upset about the word nigger... At least nigger is a race, remember yesterday when your wife called you an asshole... She reduced you to a bodypart that smells of poop, I don't know but to me this seems worse than racism...
[12 Stoner Comedian]
Don't be a runt, take care of your wife's cunt, now let me be blunt, I'm about to get high and fire up this blunt...
[13 Maxis Jaxxon thinking he's doing a speech]
The government sees the public as a sort of Titanic, no matter what the government says it never sinks in!!!
[14 Female Comedian from up north]
You know what my dad said yesterday? Honey, I have our daughter on pedofile... Apparently it's a new file system combined with social media to protect children from predators. Still I have this question that boggles my mind, who the hell came up with the term Pedofile???
[15 Car Enthousiast Comedian]
We all like to see accidents right? Am I right? Have you ever seen a car spin out of control and take down 15 pedestrians? Well, me neither and I'm still waiting for that day...
[16 His Brother, also a Comedian]
So now peole are losing their vehicles by criminals who use famous singers as a cover. Yesterday I was waiting on a traffic light and all of a sudden this nigga opens the passenger side and yells... Yo this is Michael Carjackson and I'm taking your vehicle, official police business...
[17 College Student Comedian]
You know right, you know right, there are these strange ass students out there who cannot decide between watching or drinking Bleach... My daughter was one of them, and I said, Bitch first you use bleach to clean the toilet and if you have any spare time left doing your homework you can watch some next...
[18 Black Comedian who uses Nigga too much]
What follows right, is a conversation between me and my grandmother. The coffee is niggalicious! What did you say? I said the coffee is delicious! Okay, it seems the movie is starting. That's niggatastic! What did you say? I said that's fantastic! I don't know where it comes from but sometimes I have the feeling that you're actually racist..
[19 Comedian who denies he's gay]
You know what troubles me about most gay people? They don;t want to come out of the closet, they want to come inside...
[20 Disgruntled Asian Dad Comedian]
Wanna know what my son said yesterday? Shut the fuck up you yellow faced motherfucker! And I was like hey son it's not nice to insult asians and then I realized he was talking to his Legos, he's only six you know...
[21 Gay Curing Priest who claims he's holding a sermon]
Last night I surprised a gay dude with a lot of noise hoping it would scare him straight, it did not help...
[22 Best Black Comedian of 2018]
So I'm sitting in this diner right and the guy next to me says, Could you please pass me the ketchup I want to ejaculate some ketchup onto my fries... And I was like ejaculate ketchup, what the hell is wrong with this nigga and I said... Here you go, here's your ketchup, and please don't ejaculate on me! What other word could he use, I mean the bottles nowadays don't allow you to pour and it does not sound manly when you say I wanna squirt some ketchup onto my fries. Those days are gone...
[23 2nd Best Black COmedian of 2018]
Seriously Ice Cube, getting twenty five nigga's running up on y'all, that's not gangsta anymore, that's a fucking army platoon. I mean, twenty five people with loaded weapons, you could invade a village with that and take control. Want them keys, want them keys... Okay Ice, you like keys and you're looking for them, have you checked the key bowl? On your knees, butt naked please! The hell Ice, I ain't gonna undress for you, what the hell is wrong with you man?
[24 Unknown Irish Comedian]
So this whore's parrot right, got fucked to death, it kept saying fuck me fuck me fuck me and then it met it's demise...
[25 Well known White Conservative Comedian]
Gender swap surgery, motherfucking gender swap surgery, are those patients and doctors actually retarded??? You cannot change your gender. Yeah you, yeah you surgeons out there, get your IQ back in order and call it plastic surgery... Why do they call it plastic surgery, plastic stands for fake. If you have a weird ass nose, you can hide it with plastic surgery. But hey surprise, that crappy nose now adorns your daughters face. Get it through your heads people, plastic surgery is not DNA alteration...
[26 Traumatized Black Comedian]
So this bitch with this fat ass right, no I'm not joking, I'm sharing a trauma!!!
[27 Senior Taco]
What do you call a mexican that loves candy? A Jellybeaner... How do you call a black person from Mexico? A Wetblack...
[28 Gangsta that identifies himself as a comedian]
I said Bitch shut the hell up, you know what she did? She opened her fucking mouth, she opened her fucking mouth people and thus she left me no choice so I had to bitchslap her. Not once, but twice..
[29 Best Gay Comedian of 2018]
I'm a gay comedian right and I went to this bar right and then this weird ass dude steps in right so the bartender said... Sir, you do realize that this is a Gay Bar right? I know, I'm Gay! Really, I can see the heterosexual masculine energies oozing out of your aura! What are you really doing here? I'm just curious! Sir, if you want to see a show visit the Gay Parade, us real homosexuals like to live our lives with a sense of dignity and it's time we got some respect!!! Continueing... So this guy comes up to me right, acting all tough... started calling me names and shit, next thing I knew he started throwing punches at me, for real bro... So I started to defend myself and beat his ass... Then the police shows up and arrests me, not the other dude that attacked me, but me. How about that, is that how our justice systems work, the attacker gets off scott free? Turns out the assaulting dude was a post op trans woman that changed to a man. Ain't that some fucking motherfucking fucked up ass shit... She wants to be seen as a man, but be treated as a woman. You cannot have it both ways and it's time society realized that!!!
[Talon] Those were the other 29 contestants, surprise, I'm comedian number 30, I hope you enjoy!!!
I said to my wife, that's a dickish move. She got upset and that I shouldn't use male words to describe her actions. To which I replied, ok then you're fucking cunt. She got upset even more and started throwing plates against wall. And I was like, hey I used a female term...
Anyway, So I was visiting this little village right, I went into a convenience store and asked a black employee where the crackers are. He said, I'll point you to the crackers, you see those white people over there? Yes I said, then he said, the crackers are next to the crackers. To which I replied, are you calling white people crackers? And then he said, no they're the local bowling team, you know, the Salty Crackers... And then I asked why are they satlty? And he replied because they always lose you know...
This was it for Mega Comedy Blast 2019, hope you all enjoyed the show and we hope to see you next year as well!!!
[Announcer] Welcome back to our regular programming, we at Channel One hope you have enjoyed the show and now for some commercials and then the news...
(Written by Rob van Loon 2019, again, enjoy and viewer/reader discretion is advised, thank you for enjoying!)
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