Talon's Humor

[Soundbite] Hmmm, that's some tasty babi pangan [Chinese man who voices the commercial] Welcome, Fook Yoo, is lowering food prices this month only, remember Fook Yoo [Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your host!! [Talon] A local man ran naked through the streets this afternoon, he did not invent anything  like Galileo and there were no spiders or mice in his bathroom. Chaniqua, what can you tell us? [Chaniqua] Apparently his wife forgot to buy new toiletpaper and he just got out of the shower in order to poop. [Talon] Poop? [Chaniqua] Yes poop, he kept shouting I need TP for my bunghole. All is well now since he found toilet paper 3 doors over. People who saw him naked are getting psychiatric care... [Talon] That's a, well, unique story. And now we switch to a hysterical Harry Potter that claims to be a real magician wielding a cardboard enviroment friendly drinking straw... [Announcer] Did your cat die on you and you're filled with feelings of mourning, cal...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!!! [Talon] Again welcome to News Tonight, tonight we have a personal story. It's about a person and you can't spell personal without person. Chaniqua is at the scene, Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Well, it seems that something innocent turned out to be something bad. You see, our local football club has a slogan, Seek Victory, but translated into german it's Sieg Heil. The fact that their favorite tactic is called a Blitzkrieg did not help either... [Talon] The horror, I can only imagine. And now we turn to a story about a local elderly man who collects stamps...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Hi, welcome, today, we have a special story involving a scientist. Chaniqua our lovely chocolate delight is on the scene. [Chaniqua] I'm on the scene yes, I'm at our local mental hospital interviewing a scientist that tried to prove people can go insane, has gone insane. [Scientist] Hear see, hear see, hear see!!! [Chaniqua] That's wonderful, back to you Talon you poor excuse for white paint. [Talon] Amazing reporting Chaniqua, and now we switch to a story about disabled people joining terrorist groups... Commercial Break [Announcer] Tonight our feature movie shall be a parody of Regarding Henry, it's our all time favorite Regarding Hitler. [Soundbite] He always had this stern look on his face, like he was mad about the world or something [Soundbite] Allahu ackbar [Alexa] The nearest bar is 400 meters south from here [Announcer] After the movie we will switch to Terrorists vs Alexa, don...

[Announcer] Welcome to Disturbed Animals, here's your host!! [Talon] Welcome and a good evening to all, today we have a special story. Yes people, it has finally come to this, Suicidal Housecats. After the genetically altered housecats debacle of last week, cat morale has plummeted. Many cats ran into appartment buildings and flats and jumped off of the roof straight into the pavement, animal control is at a loss to explain the situation. [Animal Control Worker] Yeah, I saw the cat, the door opened when someone exitted the building. It ran straight to the top floor and jumped right into kitty heaven. It's final words were meow meow. [Chaniqua] Did at any point a cat try to bribe you? [Animal Control Worker] Yes, a cat offered me a furball if I'd open the door for him. [Talon] Fantastic reporting Chaniqua, you're looking lighter today, is that a new foundation?? And now we switch to a story about hamsters using cats as horses... [Soundbite] Start recording in 5 4 3, wa...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your host!! [Talon] Good evening, today we have a continueation of our progressing coverage about the mental patient who alledgedly served our local major tea with only 2 lumps of suger. Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Yeah I'm here whitey, anyways I'm in the nearby village now, Yeah I know they would like to call it a town, but I say village. Apparently the escaped mental patient tried to offer the major of this village, coffee. [Talon] Coffee? Coffee?? Coffee??? Of all the beverages in the world he dared to service the major with gods black liquid. Someone put a stop to this. [Chaniqua] I know right, Starbucks won't like this one bit. [Talon] More on this later, right now I'm getting a cup of coffee since some nice man downstores is offering it for free at the moment. Be back in five... [Announcer] Welcome to Olympic News, here's your host... [Talon] Welcome to the very best coverage about olympic news. Tonight we bring your ...

[Announcer] Tonight on Disturbed Animal, some weird scientist has engineered farming squirrels that hamster for birdpoop that are groing crops while fishing for answers, don't miss it!!! [Soundbite] The hamster put a seed in the ground after digging a tiny hole, started peeing on it in order for the seed to sprout, while looking me seriously in the eyes. It were as were it tried to say, I'm a farming hamster now and I pee where I want to, Deal with it! i Dealt with it by pouring myself a glass of whisky... [/Soundbite] [Heavy Male Disclaimer] This program nor it's network promotes alcoholism... [Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your host!! [Talon] Good evening, today we have a continueation of our progressing coverage about the mental patient who alledgedly served our local major tea with only 2 lumps of suger. Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Yeah I'm here whitey, anyways I'm in the nearby village now, Yeah I know they would like to call it a town, but I say vi...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your host!! [Talon] Welcome to the news, today we will be covering sports. It seems that American Football is no longer allowed to be called that, because it uses the name football according to SFI, Sports Fanatics International. Which is a terrorist group armed with nukes. Since handball is off the table we will now be using purse snatcher ball, because it just looks like that. [Chaniqua] Yes, I'm here on the scene, sir what do you have to say for yourself? [Professional Purse Snatcher Football Player] Well, I used to look like a total athlete, today I appear as a lowlife criminal. [Chaniqua] Sad, sad indeed. [Talon] Almost brings a tear to my eye, your reporting that is. And now we switch to a story about rabid rabbits rapping... [Female Announcer] Out now, Homeless Care Package, or HCP like we like to call it. Order Now only 13.99. [Very Fast Discaimer Male Voice] It's only 2 days of food and a cardboard box coated in plastic, ...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your host!! [Talon] Good afternoon and welcome to News Today where we will delve into the story about a sadistic man facing lawsuits after holding a all you can eat contest. Chaniqua has the whole story, Chaniqua?? [Chaniqua] Well you're looking kinda beige today, good for you. Anyways, here at the food contest in Africa there are 10 happy belly filled contestants and 573 hungry onlookers, things didn't go as planned when the watching public lost it's composure when the fifth entree was being served. Many wounded, some dead, Chaniqua out. [Talon] Normally it's eat or die, seems today some did both. Thanks Chaniqua for that insightfull well spoken report, and now we switch to the story about the corrupt senator who stole millions in order to support his micro transaction filled mobile game addiction... [Announcer] Out now, the Super Soaker 3000, the ultimate vaginal douche for female hygiene. [Heavy Voice] This product is n...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Top Host] Welcome and a good day to you all, you are truly the resistance at the forfront of liberating humanity from fruit terrorists, yes fruit terrorists have sprung up alongside those who use Genetically Engineered Housecats or GEH. Here's a caller:... [Conspiracy Caller] You see, these new terrorists are vegans and use explosive apples laced with a good amount of cinnamon. There are also rumors and reports of radio controlled pigeons pooping on those who venture outside in the cities. [Top Host] Amazing news and insight, thank you for your contribution to humanity, got any more. [Conspiracy caller] Well I've heard, but don't take it from me and do your own research. The UFOS are here to help. YES, the UFOS are here to help. United Federation Of Squirrels. They seem to be armed with fully automatic pine cones that can penetrate kevlar body armor. [Top Host] Now this is some reality shattering news. And now w...

[Soundbite] You dumb fucked up retarded peverted deaf limpin' illiterate misleading obtuse wiggling stealing caniving stupid ass nigger. Wait bitch did you just say nigger instead of nigga??? [/soundbite] [Announcer] Tonight the premiere of BJS, Black Jersey Shore, don't miss it!!! [Chaniqua] If you have any objections of the screening of this show, call 1-800-RACISM, I repeat, that is 1-800-RACISM. But seriously, don't miss it!! It's finger licking good!!!

[Announcer] Later on News Tonight, a special story about Patrick Stewart again being hauled off to a local insane asylum, he kept saying someone detach the saucer section while drinking tea with a saucer cup... [Talon] Yes it was near the Golden Gate Bridge, again. Last time he was confused and kept saying Please come to the bridge number one. more on this tonight on News Tonight, right now we switch to a story about a mathematician who can only do math when there are no clouds in the sky. Local government is vowing to intensify weather control programs in order to make it possible for this highly intelligent man to do his work. The interview between Chaniqua and the mathematician has been cancelled. He only spoke russian and she thought he was insulting her mother...

//This is backlog 2, there will still be changes throughout as this is is older work... This insanely large post is directly copied from filename gggggggggggggggssssssss.txt, hope you enjoy!!! Breaking News: A Dyslectic person has invented a new written language, he claims there is logic in it, but scientists are baffled!!! ? Tonight's movie is about about an airborne hamster that against all odds became airborne, don't miss it!!! Breaking News: [Top Anchor]Tonight we have a tragic story which started out in an amazing way, to you Angela. [Angela] Yes, it was a moment of triumph, a woman broke through the glass ceiling. They immediately called 911 and was brought to a hospital, she had minor injuries from the glass shards and is recovering as we speak" [Top Anchor] Thank you angela, now back to more current events. Little Joe's hamster has escaped from it's cage and he's looking for it. It's description is orange like fur and listens to the name cru...

Next Backlog will follow soon, though sadly a lot has been lost... don't fret about it, the animals in olympics will return... Hope you enjoy... ~Talon TalonNL999 1 seconde geleden Breaking News: Zombie virus outbreak worldwide, a new strain which produces intelligent zombies who scour Ebay for brains instead of attacking humans. More updates will follow...? TalonNL999 TalonNL999 1 seconde geleden This is a message from your local government, the health department. Please do not sell your brains on Ebay, it has serious health implications!!!? TalonNL999 TalonNL999 1 seconde geleden A local news station interviewed a man who sold half his brain and he had the following statement: "Yeah, uhh, I sold half my brain and now I don't talk so good"? TalonNL999 1 seconde geleden Breaking News Update: Elon Musk has accepted the NASA challenge and will also participate!!!? TalonNL999 TalonNL999 1 seconde geleden Breaking, important news update: NASA...