BACKLOG #2, TOO MANY JOKES TO POST AT ONCE

//This is backlog 2, there will still be changes throughout as this is is older work... This insanely large post is directly copied from filename gggggggggggggggssssssss.txt, hope you enjoy!!!

Breaking News: A Dyslectic person has invented a new written language, he claims there is logic in it, but scientists are baffled!!!

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Tonight's movie is about about an airborne hamster that against all odds became airborne, don't miss it!!!

Breaking News: [Top Anchor]Tonight we have a tragic story which started out in an amazing way, to you Angela. [Angela] Yes, it was a moment of triumph, a woman broke through the glass ceiling. They immediately called 911 and was brought to a hospital, she had minor injuries from the glass shards and is recovering as we speak" [Top Anchor] Thank you angela, now back to more current events. Little Joe's hamster has escaped from it's cage and he's looking for it. It's description is orange like fur and listens to the name crumpet"

Breaking News: [Top Anchor] Good evening, tonight a story about the quality of milk produced in zero gravity. NASA has launched a cow into space and is conducting research as we speak. NASA wished to remain silent, but the cow had this to say: "Mooo". Angela, what can you tell us about this research project? [Angela] Well, people always had the question, how does space milk taste, I hope we soon have the answer. Though there are rumors of Elon Musk launching goats into space. [Top Anchor] Thank you Angela, and now we will be discussing a story about firemen with backdraft PTSD..."


Thanks for all the work you have done all these years!! This one is for you guys!!

Breaking News: Today the police arrested a weird scientist who was experimenting. [Top Anchor] Hi, yes you heard it right, a scientist was arrested today for breaking the law. Nobody expected anything until they heard a loud noise. It turned out the scientist was flying remote control coma patients. After the the comatose patient landed in a local pool local authorities rescued him and returned him to the hospital. The family was not notified to prevent potential mental traumas. And now a word from our sponsor: "Now available, Gaming Brawndo, it's got electrolytes, but we also added dextrose and taurine"

Oh well, how about another one for you guys.... ; ) ?

A news update: oops i forgot it :(

And now a financial update: [Top Anchor]Angela, what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, it seems the economy is in decline, but there's one company that escapes the boat. The stock price of Brandow has risen by 7856% which is unheard of in human history. [Top Anchor] Thank you Angela, financial experts are still figuring out what is going on. And now a story about a blind cat that can read braille..."

Breaking Update: [Top Anchor] Gaming companies are in panic, Angela what can you tell us about this subject? [Angela] Well, it seems games are being cracked before they even come onto the market. Here is a victim of the circumstances, Miss Smith, what can you tell us about this? [Ms Smith] Well, I went to the local gaming store to buy a game for my son. Wrapped it up real nice. And when I gave it to him for his birthday he already had downloaded and completed it. [Angela] Sad sad story indeed, back to you. [Top Anchor] Thank you Angela, and now for some uplifting news about laughing monkeys with diarea"

??? Thank you!!

Breaking News: [Announcer] Tonight in the news a tragic story about a hamster. [Top Anchor] Hi, Welcome to News Tonight, Angela, what can you tell us about this hamster? [Angela] Well, it seems the escaped hamster was suicidal and jumped off a cliff. Joe, what can you tell us... [Joe] Well, I was walking alongside the cliff and heard a small poof noise, I turned around and there was a dead hamster. I did what any sensible person would do and called 112. [Angela] Here's a statement from a local paramedic: [Local paramedic] We arrived at the scene in no time but we were too late, the hamster was already dead [Angela] What happened next? [Local Paramedic] Since the hamster was already dead we threw it into a trash can. [Angela] Back to you. [Top Anchor] Thank you angela, and now we turn to the story about the aftermath of two chickens who were fighting at our local farm...
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[Announcer] We now turn to our current program Nature Tonight where scientists discuss the recently discovered society of advanced chickens who are attempting space travel by launching fertilized eggs into space with catapults. [Jorge] Welcome, tonight we will discuss the topic of chicken space travel. What are the risks, what are the benefits. No one knows, and no one will probably ever know since we cannot talk to chickens. So far every attempt has failed, but the chickens seem upbeat and hopefull. Elon Musk had the following statement: "Yeah I love chickens, oh wait, we weren't talking about food" he then disconnected the connection. Further updates will follow...

; )

Breaking News: [Top Anchor] Hi, and welcome to News Tonight. Angela, you're telling me the speeding cameras in our local area have been photographing a blur these last few hours. What is happening out there? [Angela] Well it seems a crazy person drank Brawndo Gasoline and is now running at a speed of 200KM/Hr. The police are aware of the situation, but do not posess the type of vehicles which are able to drive at that speed. [Top Anchor] That sounds terrible Angela, what more can you tell me about this? [Angela] Well, since Brawndo Gasoline isn't fit for human consumption it has never been tested on humans. [Top Anchor] Thank you Angela, we will update you as the story progresses. And now the weather. [Weatherman Mike] It's fucking hot out here and there's a crazy person running around at high speed. [Top Anchor] Thank you Weatherman Mike. This was the news, A pleasant evening to you all!!

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Next on disturbed animals, a story about a housecat who has agoraphobia and claustrophobia at the same time

Breaking News: [Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight. [Top Anchor] Hi and welcome, as you all heard earlier today a helicopter crash occured when two helicopters collided during the Olympic event of Helicopter Swordfighting. In light of this news the Olympic Committee has decided to adjust the aerial swordfighting sport which was invented today into something new. They henceforth decided to switch to Harrier Jets. Angela is on the scene, Angela what can you tell us about this new sporting event? [Angela] Well, since Harrier Jets cannot come that close to each other they have decided that the swordfighting contestants will climb out of the pilot seats and do sword to sword combat on the wing tips. [Top Anchor] Thank you Angela, the government has yet to issue a statement and we will update you as thing progress. And now a story about a dog that knows how to whistle...

[Announcer] And now for a special sports update!!! [Top Anchor] Hi everyone, good evening. Tonight something special happened and Angela will tell you all about it, Angela... [Angela] Hi, well, tonight local farmer Joe broke the Olympic record in Cow milking. He milked a full bucket in 4 minutes, 55 seconds and 48 milliseconds, which was about 46 milliseconds faster than Farmer Jack. Farmer Joe released the following statement. [Farmer Joe] I thank god, I thank god that that cow was full of milk!!! [Angela] Back to you. [Top Anchor] Thank you Angela and now a story about a giant midget who feels depressed..."

This one was for you Se.... ?

[Announcer] Special Update [Top Host] This just in, a homeless man found a cardboard box and is registering for a house number. More updates will follow soon, well unless it starts to rain. Also, Harry Jojo was awarded a medal for doing a tripple salto, but later he had to return the medal. Turned out he slipped on a banana peel and landed on a trampoline.

[Announcer] Important news update!!! [Top Host] NASA has made progress in relation to moonlandings, turns out you have to moonwalk on the moon, they are studying old videos of Michael Jackson as we speak. Angela is on the scene, Angela? Well, I'm here at NASA and they're playig I'm Bad. [Top Host] That's great Angela, please keep me updated if anything changes."

[Announcer with a heavy voice] Your TV, Phone, mobile and internet connection have been hijacked. This is an offical government message. Stay indoors and shoot at anything very small, like the size of a hamster, if it approaches your home. A local deranged scientist has genetically engineered exploding hamsters in his underground science lab. Do not approach the hamsters, I repeat, do not approach the hamsters... [Top Host] Well that was weird, our signal got suddenly interrupted... wait, what, is that a hamster... [Female Voice] Sorry for the disconnect, we seem to be having some technical difficulties...

[Announcer] Breaking News, welcome to News Tonight!! [Top Anchor] Hi everyone, tonight we have a controversy regarding the Brawndo Company. Angela, please tell us more. [Angela] Well, it seems that Brawndo Dogwater ultimately wasn't suited for dogs, they tried it on cats but none survived. The Brawndo company has yet to issue a statement. [Top Anchor] That's wonderful Angela, what else can you tell us? [Angela] What I can tell you is that the cats were somehow infused with the Brawndo Dogwater and became highly radioactive, they are now being transported to a safe dump location that is coated with lead. [Top Anchor] That is all we can tell at this moment about the radioactive cat corpses, and now a story about Harry Potter fanatics who are jumping off of rooftops with a broom between their legs. Angela, what can you tell us about that? [Angela] Well, these weirdos with their weird clothes and glasses went to a top of a building and plunged to their deaths. [Top Anchor] That sounds horrible Angela!! [Angela] Yes, yes it does... [Top Anchor] This concludes our news for the night, see you all tomorrow!!

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[Announcer] Emergency News Update!! [Top Host] This just in, a chicken has attempted flight and has entered international space!! Jet fighters are on it's way as we speak. Angela, what can we expect? [Angela] Well, the jet fighters are fully loaded with nuclear missiles. General Generalitious, what can you say about this situation? [General Generalitious] All I can say that the missiles are state of the art and will explode on impact. [Angela] But what does that mean for the chicken? [General Generalitious] It will explode! [Angela] In what way? [General Generalitious] It will explode and every molecule will dissolve in the explosion [Angela] That's great, thank you. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, we now turn to a story about zombie squirrels...

Commercial: "Out now, Brawndo Health Plus, get yours today. It has vitamins and electrolytes"... [Little boy] Mommy can I have some orange juice and be healthy? [Mommy] No son, we now have Brawndo Health Plus, it has electrolytes!!!

[Announcer] Controversy has sparked up about the movie Bitch Slap Supreme, more details will follow...

[Announcer] Emergency follow update!! [Top Host] Here follows the audio from the airborne chicken, this audio was taken from the second fighter jet that survived. [Pilot] Alpha and Delta en route, we're entering international airspace. Oh my god, that chicken has sidewinders... it's got a lock on Delta, abort abort... Oh my god, Delta is down, I repeat, Delta is down. The chicken has steered to the left, I'm getting a lock on it. Lock confirmed, HQ do I have permission to fire? [HQ] Alpha you are cleared for fire, I repeat, you are cleared for fire, HQ out. [Pilot] Okay, firing now... The following events aren't suitable for young children and will be disclosed at a later hour... [Top Host] Well, there you have it, no more chicken!!!

[Announcer] Financial Update News: [Top Host] McDonalds was forced to increase their price of Chicken McNuggets after the chicken tragedy and their stock plunged by 0.02%. Burger King refused to release a statement. The ICA did have a statement: [ICA Spokesman] We, the International Chicken Alliance wish to give our condolences to all Chickens who were taken out by the nuclear missile. It impacted many lives, even it was only a few, we will cherish them forever in our memories. [Top Host] There you have it, chickens and nuclear missiles, never a good ending."

[Announcer] Emergency News Update. [Top Host] Today something terrible has happened to one of our world's mascottes, Mickey Mouse has been arrested!!! Angela, what can you tell us??? [Angela] Well, it seems Mickey was hungry and walked past a house filled with mouse traps. He avoided all the traps and ate all the cheese. [Top Host] Oh my god Angela, All the cheese??? [Angela] Yes, All the cheese. [Top Host] What happened then? [Angela] Well, he made a noise by walking over one of the traps and the local civilian got scared. Called the police and caught the mouse before he could get away. [Top Host] Fantastic reporting Angela, now lets turn to our local political correspondent about expensive salt..."

Commercial: [Sexy female voice] Brawndo Candy, it's got electrolytes!!!

Breaking News: Man hospitilized for eating Brawndo Candy, more later in News Tonight with your favorite host!!

¦ i'm gonna play this one down... It wil be super boring, now im gonna try to get some sleep............ZzZzZzzzz.... (sorry couldnt sleep)

[Announcer] Here's some breaking news on News Tonight!!! [Top Host] Thank you, tonight. Tonight we bring you a special story about an Indian in America. Angela, please tell us what happened. [Angela] Well, an Indian was jogging and at the same time a retarded archer was practicing. [Top Host] Angela, what happened then? [Angela] Well apparently the retard missed the target and hit the Indian in the knee. He is now writing a book about it and is calling it Wounded Knee!!! [Top Host] That's amazing Angela, and now a story about a scientist who believes hamsters have magical powers...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight Inside Access where we discuss the events of today [Top Host] Welcome to Tonight Inside Access where we will conduct an interview with the victim of tonights news. Hi, how are you? [Indian with wounded knee] Well I was jogging through the park, working on my condition... [Angela] And then what happened? [Indian with wounded knee] You see I was jogging and suddenly I had an arrow in my knee!!! [Angela] Did it hurt? [Indian with wounded knee] It hurts as hell, can't you hear me screaming? Please call an ambulance!! [Angela] Well it seems this person isn't interested in discussion, let's call it a day, Angela out. [Top Host] Marvelous reporting Angela, and there you have it, don't go jogging if you're an indian.

[Announcer] Tonight on Disturbed Animals, a koala bear with anger issues and is affraid of heights, here follows a short segment: "I went to the tree where the Koala was, I approached it. Before I knew it suddenly started growling reached out one arm and extended it's claws slowly. At no point in time was I in any danger. [Top Host] Disturbed Animals tonight, don't miss it!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to the news, here's your host. [Top Host] Good afternoon, now we will conduct a short interview with a Brawndo t aiabout the Brawndo Candy controversy. Brawndo Spokesperson, what can you tell us about the dangers of Brawndo Candy? [Brawndo Spokesman] Well, we have tested it on mice and they died immediately, human testing has yet to begin, but we feel so confident about our new product that we already brought it to market. [Top Host] Sounds wonderful, and now we will be discussing the changing weather patterns on Uranus..."


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[Announcer] Emergency News Update [Top Host] Hello, this is an emergency news update. Today a child was rushed to the hospital after eating a Brawndo Candy, the cause for the sudden illness is still unknown. Brawndo released the following message: "Please do not eat Brawndo Candy until further research has been done, I repeat, DO NOT EAT BRAWNDO CANDY!!!"

[Announcer] Good Afternoon, welcome to Today News, and now to our host. [Top Host] Thank you, good afternoon. Today we have a story about Fortnite fanatics, Angela what can you tell us about it? [Angela] Well, they stole a schoolbus and then 2 hot air balloons which they attached to the roof of the bus. They did not lift off, people have called the police and they're on the way. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, more updates will follow soon, stay tuned!!

[Announcer] Good Evening, welcome to News Tonight. [Top Host] Good evening, we have breaking news. To you Angela. [Angela] Well, I'm here at NASA and we have received a message from outer space. It reads as follows: "This is the Zagga Mofo calling planet Earth". Their best people are working on a translation as we speak, back to you. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, and now a story about a clumsy cat that knows how to say hello..."

Commercial: Has your child ingested Brawndo Candy, call 0900-DEADBABY, I repeat call 0900-DEADBABY

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your host! [Top Host] Good night, tonight we have the following story about more airborne chickens, to you Angela. [Angela] Thank you, well it seems more chickens have gone airborne. The local air force has launched F16's to intercept, we now go live to one of the pilots. [Alpha Whiskey] Alpha Whiskey en route. I have the chickens in view, they're flying at 600KM/Hr. [Control Tower] Abort Alpha Whiskey, I repeat, Abort Alpha Whiskey. They're free range chickens, abort the intercept. [Top Host] Well that was quite an event, and now to a dog that barks the national anthem...

[Announcer] Breaking News Update, here's your host! [Top Host] Welcome to this Breaking News Update, a chicken has gone airborne and crashed into a building. Angela to you. [Angela] Thank you, I'm here at the scene and there was no damage to the building, but the chicken is dead. [Top Host] Thank you Angela. We know who's eating chicken tonight, thank you for tuning into this Breaking News Update!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to Morning News and here's your host! [Top Host] Good morning, do I have a story to tell today, but there will be no spoilers. To you Angela. [Angela] Well it seems chickens are trying something new. Apparently an airborne chicken has entered outer space and is now in orbit. More information will follow as the story develops. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, and now a story about a rabbit on speed that wants to enter F1 Racing...

Commercial: [Sexy Woman's Voice] Brawndo Ice Cream, it's delicious and has electrolytes!!! [Announcer] In stores today, get yours now!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to Afternoon News, here's your host! [Top Host] Good afternoon, there's a developing story and we'll now be switching to Angela. [Angela] Well, since the recent increase in intelligence of chickens they are now going political with the following message. "Tok tok tok tok", which translates into, no more chicken soup. I will update you as the story develops. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, well I might just as well eat drumsticks tonight, you never know when they will be outlawed. And now an indepth story about why the chickens have become airborne...

[Announcer] Welcome to Sports Update with our host! [Top Host] Good evening, do we have a news for you. A new world record has been set in racing, to you Angela! [Angela] Well it seems that drugs do make a difference, the rabbit who entered the F1 Racing Competition has won the challenge. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, that's great news. And now a story about a F1 Champion who is about to enter rehab...

[Announcer] Welcome to Distuberd Animals, and here's your Host! [Top Host] Good evening, today we will be discussing the story about chickens going airborne. Professor, what can you tell us about this subject? [Professor] Thank you for inviting me! There's still much debate going on, but we suspect that the chickens have developed a new technique to flap their wings. Either that or they have discovered the technology of rocket engines. [Top Host] Thank you professor, we will be updating you as the story develops...

[Announcer] Good morning, welcome to Conspiracy Now! [Top Host] I won't delve into the subject myself, but here's a caller. [Caller] Hi, I have been having these theories about chickens, and I think I'm close to the answer. Either the chickens have mastered rocketry or have developed some type of anti gravity device. [Top Host] Maybe we will never know, as we all know, chickens are a total mystery. Thank you for watching Conspiracy Now!

[Announcer] We are breaking our regular program for a special news update! [Top Host] A demented Sean Connery has been arrested for sexually assaulting a woman, to you Angela. [Angela] Well it seems that dementia has claimed the better of Sean Connery as he sexually assaulted a woman and kept saying, I'm James Bond. [Top Host] That's fantastic Angela, and now to a mouse that can cook meals...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host. [Top Host] Good evening everyone, it seems that a local painter has painted something new. To you Angela! [Angela] Well it seems that a local painter has painted a huge ass, I am with him right now. Do you have any comments sir? [Painter] Well I wanted to paint some hills, but used the wrong color paint, so now everyone thinks my hills are a giant ass. [Angela] That sounds terrible, back to you host. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, and now to a story about a local car lover that has been accused of rape by a Ferrari...

[Announcer] Emergency News Update! [Top Host] Welcome to an Emergency News Update, today a child was rushed to the hospital after eating a Brawndo Candy. Angela, what can you tell us about this? [Angela] Well, it seems that there were still some Brawndo Candies available in local stores and one child bought one and ate it. [Top Host] Angela, what happened then? [Angela] Well, he began to have muscle spasms and started foaming at the mouth. A local ambulance was quikly at the scene and brought the child to the hospital. [Top Host] Thank you angela, we will cover this subject as it continues to evolve, Brawndo has yet to release a statement...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your host! [Top Host] Good afternoon, here is a breaking update in the chicken story, to you Angela. [Angela] Well, I'm standing here at a local farm where a farmer is trying to get his chicken out of orbit and is going to launch a rocket into space to communicate with it. [Top Host] That's wonderful Angela, and now the weather with our local weatherman. [Local Weatherman] People, we all know there's a chicken in space, but please wear sunglasses and avoid the sun. [Top Host] Thank you for the weather update, and now a story about a local man who believes that pigs can smell colors...

[Announcer] Breaking News Update! [Top Host] Welcome to this Breaking News Update, someone called an ambulance and they arrived on the scene quickly. Angela, you're on the scene, what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, we arrived on the scene only moments ago. There was a man lying on the floor of his appartment who couldn't stand up. It turned out to be a man with amnesia who forgot how to stand up. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, and now a story about a man who believes that he is a cricket...

[Announcer] Good morning, welcome to Conspiracy Now! [Top Host] I won't delve into the subject myself, but here's a caller. [Caller] Hi, I'm scared. The government is calling cigarettes a nicotine delivery system and I don't know what to do. What if they started making bullets out of nicotine, no one will be safe. [Top Host] Thank you for your perspective and thank you for watching Conspiracy Now!

Commercial: Out now, Brawndo Toothpaste!!! It's got elecytrolytes!!

[Announcer] Good afternoon and welcome to News Today. Here's our Host! [Top Host] We have an update about the continueing story about chickens going airborne, Angela what can you tell us about it? [Angela] Well it seems that the chicken in orbit has suffocated and died, chickens have vowed to research space suits to prevent such disasters in the future! [Top Host] That's amazing Angela, and now a story about the mourning family of the chicken that went orbit and died...

[Announcer] Welcome to a Breaking News Update! [Top Host] Welcome to a Breaking News Update, local authorities have issued a Nobel Prize to a local retarded person. Angela, what can you tell us about this? [Angela] Well, it seems that this local retarded person finally figured out that one plus one equals two. His math teacher who was about to have a breakdown was overjoyed when he finally was able to sum up one and one. [Top Host] Thank you angela, and now a story about a crazy person that juggles live grenades...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your host! [Top Host] Good evening everyone, here we have a special update from our Brawndo Spokesman! [Brawndo Spokesman] This is an official warning from the Brawndo Company, do not use the toothpaste, do not use the toothpaste. [Top Host] Angela, what can you tell us about this? [Angela] Well, it seems that people who have used Brawndo Toothpaste do now have green teeth and no teeth whitener can make a difference. [Top Host] That's wonderful Angela, and now a story about a Beaver that is planning to blow up a dam because there's not enough water in his area...

[Announcer] Emergency Update!! [Top Host] People, this is an official warning, a beaver has been spotted with C4 explosives. Close your windows, lock your doors and stay inside!! More updates will follow as the story develops...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your host! [Top Host] Hi, welcome, it's a sad sad day for chickens today. Angela, what can you tell us about this? [Angela] Well, it seems that the chicken in orbit died from suffocation has burnt up in the earths atmosphere. The chicken community is saddened by that fact because they wanted to bury it. The funeral has been canceled. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, we all feel bad about the chickens!!! And now we go to a story about intelligent hamsters who are about to discover architecture!!!...

[Announcer] Welcome to a News Update, here's your host! [Top Host] Today we switch to a local story, Angela, what can you tell us about it? [Angela] Well, this farmer went into the stable and check on his cows when suddenly one farted. The smell was so severe that he fainted. His wife called an ambulance and they arrived quickly on the scene. He was rushed of to the hospital and has been given medication to block smell. [Top Host] Fantastic Angela, and now a story about a deaf bat that keeps flying into walls...

[Announcer] Breaking News Update, here's your Host! [Top Host] I thought I had a story for you, but the scientist who was studying the concept of fear was too scared for an interview. We will now return to our regular program...

Commercial: Available now, Brawndo Shaving Cream, it has electrolytes!!! Contact your local store for availability, get yours now!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your host! [Top Host] Today we have another controversy regarding the Brawndo Corporation, Angela what can you tell us about this story? [Angela] Well, it seems that Brawndo Shaving Cream wasn't safe after all. Several people have been rushed off to the hospital suffering from a weird rush on their face and a green colored rash. [Top Host] That's amazing Angela, we will be updating you as the story progesses. And now a story about bees that are allergic to honey...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your Host! [Top Host] Welcome, do we have a story today, to you Angela! [Angela] Thank you! Well it seems that cows do not want to stay behind of the chickens and have commited themselves to space travel as well. Here's farmer Jack Tator, Jack, what can you tell about this? [Jack Tator] Well, my cows suddenly went into the barn, have closed the door and refuse to come out. I don't know what to do about this, but keep hearing "Moo". [Angela] Jack Tator had no further information about the subject, but will inform us as the story progresses. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, and now a story about midgets who are affraid of heights...

LOL

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] Hi, good evening. Today we have a story about nature with a gruesome ending. Angela, what can you tell us? [Angela] Well it seems that a tourist did not see the sign that says don't feed the bears got mauled to death by a bear. Little remains have been found. [Top Host] That's fantastic Angela, and now we delve into the story of the mexican drugdealer who claimed never to have seen a Peso...

Commercial: Available now, Brawndo Lightbulbs. Yes it's green, but at least it's light. Get Brawndo Electrolights now!!!

¦ They say imitation is the best kind of flattery, ? u seth


[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your Host! [Top Host] Hi, good afternoon. Right now as we speak chickens are mining for metals in order to advance their space program. Though reports are vague at the moment we believe they have evolved and developed the technology of metallurgy. Which is weird, because actual space travel is much more advanced. Angela is on the scene, Angela? [Angela] Well, I'm standing here and I see chickens going inside and coming outside of the mine. [Top Host] That's intriguing Angela, and now a story about a squirrel that is also attempting flight...

Commercial: Now in stores, Brawndo Cigarettes, it has electrolytes!!!

[Announcer] Breaking News Update!! [Top Host] I'm terribly sorry for breaking our regular program, but I have some terrible news! Angela? [Angela] Well, I'm standing here in a local back yard and it seems that the squirrel that attemped flight landed in this back yard and was almost killed by a cat, but got the better of him. [Top Host] That is terrible Angela, can you tell us anything more? [Angela] Yes, the last thing the cat said before it died was oops!!! [Top Host] Thank you Angela, and now back to our regular program!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] Good evening and welcome, there's a story today about Usain Bolt, Angela? [Angela] Well, it seems that speed cameras have to be adjusted, Usain was running with his shirt on. You know the one with the numbers and the cops accidentally identified it as a license plate. [Top Host] Angela, just wonderful, just wonderful. Next we have a Brawndo Spokesperson as a guest who will discuss the coming controversy about Brawndo Cigarettes. What can you tell us? [Brawndo Spokesperson] Thank you for inviting me, there's really not much to say about the subject. We have tested it on monkeys, most of them died and those who live have a severe addiction problem. Though we feel confident that it will pose no problems to humans. [Top Host] Thank you, and that's it for tonights news, see you tomorrow people.

[Announcer] Breaking Breaking Breaking News! [Top Host] Welcome to this Breaking News Special, Angela, are you there? [Angela] Yes, I'm here. [Top Host] Angela, tell us what happened! [Angela] Well, it seems that Justin Trudeau hijacked a spacecraft from Elon Musk and has landed on the moon. The first thing he said was: "One small step for man, a giant leap for peoplekind", he then was bitchslapped by an alien that said it's humankind you stupid. [Top Host] Amazing Angela, and now a story about a levitating baby...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your Host! [Top Host] Hi, good afternoon! We now have some news regarding the cows catching up to the chickens regarding technological advancement. Angela, what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, I'm standing here on a grassy field. I see cows that have stolen shovels from the shed and they're moving towards the mountains. [Top Host] Fantastic Angela, we will update you as the story progresses, and now a story of redemption by a born again kleptomaniac...

Commercial: Available now at your local grocery store, Brawndo Light Cigarettes, half the nicotine, same amount of electrolytes!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] Hi, good evening! Tonight we have a tragic story about a trans racial man that believed he was a terminator. Angela is on the scene, Angela what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, it seems that this confused person believed he was a terminator started running. All went well until he entered a interstate highway and hit a bus. Not much remains of his remains, but ambulance workers are doing their best to scrape of what is left. [Top Host] That's mighty interesting Angela, and now we go to a story about a fly that can fly in perfect circles...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's our Host! [Top Host] Good afternoon, tragedy has struck again in the Olympic Games. Angela, what can you tell us about this? [Angela] Well, today something tragic happened. We all know the tragedy that occured during the Helicopter Swordfighting Event, which was replaced by the Harrier Jet Swordfighting Event. Today two Harrier Jets collided and crashed into the public, many people died. [Top Host] That sounds fantastic Angela, and now a story about a man who found an empty can of soda...

Commercial: [Bwando Spokesman] We at Brawndo are very proud of our products and are introducing a new product!!! [Sexy Womans Voice] I just love to get into the bathtub naked and bathe in Brawndo Bathsoap, the electrolytes are absorbed through my skin and gives me a revitalizing feeling!!!

[Announcer] We are sorry to interrupt our regular program, here's an Emergency Update! [Top Host] There are no other words to describe this, but a chicken has smuggled rocket parts accross the border and has been apprehended by the border control. We will update you on the story as it develops...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] Tonight we bring a tragic story of a fight that went wrong, Angela, what can you tell us about it? [Angela] Well, it seems that a movie fanatic entered the ring in a professional fight and lost. It was during the first round that the contestant said "I know Kung Fu" and was beaten into a coma a few seconds later. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, I hope he recovers soon. And now a story about a puma that yawns at command...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your Host! [Top Host] Good afternoon, today we have a special message from the Brawndo Company, welcome Brawndo Spokesman! [Brawndo Spokesman] Thank you, I have a special message about the Brawndo Bathsoap. We at Brawndo have tested our soap on chipmunks, unfortunately they all died, but we feel confident that it is safe for humans. [Top Host] Thank you, and now a story about a blind man who discovers he had his eyes closed all his life and can now see...

[Announcer] Breaking News Update, here's your Host! [Top Host] Good afternoon, today something strange happened on an airplane. Angela is on the scene, Angela what can you tell us about this? [Angela] Well it seems someone smuggled a fully automatic spoon onto an airplane and took it out of his pocket when soup was served. There was no actual danger and many people got confused when airport security arrested him. He kept saying, "I'm only eating soup!!!" [Top Host] Fantastic reporting Angela, and now a story about cowdung, how bad does it smell???

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] We now have an update regarding the airborne chicken story, Angela, what do you have for us? [Angela] Well, it seems that some chickens have visited hardware stores trying to buy screws and bolts. They kept saying "Tok Tok Tok", translators are still figuring out what the chickens were actually saying. [Top Host] That's interesting Angela, and now a story about skydiving blind people..."

Commercial [Announcer] Out now, Brawndo Chewing Gum!!! [Brawndo Spokesperson] Call your doctor before chewing, Brawndo is not responsible for any deaths, chew at your own risk!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your Host! [Top Host] Welcome and a good day to you, today we will again delve into the chicken story. Angela, what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, it seems that the chickens are developing space suits for outer space travel. We heard a few words from them, but were unable to translate them. Every word was Tok and we couldn't decipher it. [Top Host] That's wonderful Angela, more on the chickens as the story progresses. And now what we have all been waiting for, an interview with a talking mouse that has earned a Michelin Star...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] Tonight we have a story about our four legged friends, Angela, to you!!! [Angela] Today we have a special story about puppies that robbed a bank. Here is the police statement!!! [Police Spokesman] Yes Angela, do we have a story today, we cannot release every detail, but are prepared to release the following statement. Actually it's a excerpt from the officers at the scene. [Recorded Audio] This is sergeant Toby, I'm entering the building. I'm opening a door and see a puppies, they had full automatic guns and seemed so innocent. Only thing I could do was contact my team and repeat the following message: "Do not shoot the puppies, I repeat, do not shoot the puppies". The puppies were brought to a local animal shelter and are in good health [Top Anchor] Thank you for tuning in, keep watching for more updates...

? Spoiler, no dead puppy dog jokes ahead... I love dogs!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your Host! [Top Host] Good afternoon, today a local person accidentally received too much money and went insane. Angela, what can you tell us about this story? [Angela] Well, it seems that today a local person has received money that was meant for someone else. He saw the amount of money he has and went completely insane. The last thing he screamed was: "I'm going insane and I'm going to buy all the cupcakes in the world!!! [Top Host] Thank you Angela, and now a story about the huge increase in price of cupcakes...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] ((oops, forgot, blame the booze, will get back later...)) Yes, it's true, I stil don't remember this one

Commercial Break: [Announcer] Here's a message from the Brawndo company!!! [Brawndo Spokesman] If you have chewd Brawning Chewing Gum, call 0800-NOTHEETH, I repeat, 0800-NOTEETH

[Announcer] Good morning, welcome to Conspiracy Now! [Top Host] I won't delve into the subject myself, but here's a caller. [Caller] I have been watching The Walking Dead for several seasons now and they never scavenge for toilet paper, I have this weird logical theory. They must be wearing diapers, that must be it, there's no logical explanation. [Top Host] Thank you for that interesting perspective. Today's show has been sponsored by a local toilet paper factory, use the code POOP for a 10% discount!!!...

[Announcer] Here's a Breaking Update! [Top Host] Here's a quick update regarding a continueing story, Angela? [Angela] Well it seems that a naked man was running through the streets, he kept saying: "You'll never catch me!!!". Here's a statement from the police. [Police Spokesman] Thank you Angela, this story has some slippery facts. You see, the weird oily gay dude running through the streets was actually covered in oil. Many of our officers tried to catch him to no avail. He was just to slippery. [Angela] What happened then? [Police Spokesman] Since our hands on catching didn't work we switched to tazers. The tazer gun hit and he was immobelized in seconds. [Top Host] That's intriguing, up next, a story about a homeless bumblebee with flight phobia...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight with your favorite Host! [Top Host] Good evening, welcome! There's not much to say at this moment, Angela, what can you tell us! [Angela] Well, it seems that a local farmer took care of this problem himself. Farmer Joe what can you tell us? [Farmer Joe] Thank you for this interview Angela. I was sitting on a bench outside enjoying a joint, I mean cigar. While I was relaxing suddenly a chicken tried to lift off, luckily I had my double barrel shotgun with me and I opened fire!!! [Angela] What happened then? [Farmer Joe] Well, I hit it and blood was everywhere. [Top Host] Thank you for this update, we will now be discussing amoeba with machineguns...


[Announcer] Good morning, welcome to Conspiracy Now! [Top Host] I won't delve into the subject myself, but here's a caller. [Caller] Did you hear the news about the amoeba. They have full automatic weapons I tell you. The amoeba might seem small, but in great numbers they are dangerous. [Government Announcer] We interrupt this announcement with an official government announcement. Beware of Amoeba's, they are carrying automatic weapons. Close your windows and lock up your doors. Next up a story about a scientist with a microscope and an amoeba that fall in love...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today with your favorite Host! [Top Host] Welcome, and a good afternoon to you all. Today we have a tragic hunting story, Angela what can you tell us about this? [Angela] Well it seems that a local conservative hunter whom is against chicken space travel has opened fire on a chicken. The chicken had flares, but that did not help against the onslaught of missiles. The remaining chickens did not want to leave a comment and only said "Tok". [Top Host] Thank you Angela, and now a story about snails that want to enter warp speed...

[Announcer] Breaking News Update, here's your Host! [Top Host] Good evening, I now bring you a story about digital mice that are eating digital memory. Angela, what can you tell us about this? [Angela] Well I'm standing here with a Kingston representative that ensures that Kingston memory cards are safe, because they do not contain any cheese!!! [Top Host] Thank you Angela, you've made my day, and now a story about a deaf and blind monkey that claims he's Jesus Christ...

[Announcer] Welcome to Morning News! [Top Host] Good Morning, we have absolutely no news for you at this moment and will get back to you later...

[Announcer] Tonight on Disturbed Animals, bears that love honey, but are affraid of bees. Don't miss it!!!

[Heavy Voice] Here's a preview of tonights show Disturbing Animals. [Narrator] Here we see the bear approach the bee nest in search for honey, he's getting closer to it, closer, even closer. What happens, here, a bee comes out of the nest and is approaching the nest. The bear sees the bee and runs away in fear of getting stung. [Heavy Voice] More tonight on Disturbed Animals, don't miss it!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your Host! [Top Host] Thank you and good afternoon, today we have a tragic story that will be remembered forever. Angela is on the scene, and this time it's not as usual as she was a guest narrator on Disturbed Animals. Angela, tell us what happened. [Angela] Well, I was standing here with the narrator of Disturbed Animals and I went back to the tent. While I was in the tent the narrator spoke about bees and honey, suddenly I heard footsteps in a quick succession. I got out of the tent and saw the narrator running for his life with the bear right behind him. He was mauled to death seconds later. [Top Host] That's amazing Angela, it seems the bear wasn't scared of humans, kinda weird since bees are so tiny!!! And now we switch to the weather. [Weatherman] It's fucking sunny today motherfuckers!!! [Top Host] Thank you for the weather update, we will be back on News Tonight!!!

[Announcer] Emergency News Update!!! [Top Host] Please sit down and remain calm, here's Angela with the story!!! [Angela] Well, it seems that Vulcans have visited planet Earth after chickens invented a warp engine. The chickens are ecstatic, but the local farmer wasn't that ecstatic about the event. Farmer Joe, what can you tell us? [Farmer Joe] Well, uh, I was milking my cows when suddenly the chickens lifted off into space. The backdraft of their initial rocket lift off caused my barn to burn down and I'm now bankrupt, because of the damages. [Top Host] Chickens, don't we just love chickens. On our dinner plate that is. Stay tuned for more updates, this was an Emergency News Update!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] Since the chicken outbreak and their ambition for interstellar travel, a hero has emerged and has vowed to bring an end to the chicken madness!!! Angela, what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, not much, the only thing we have heard is "Hah, Hah, Listen, Listen". So much of the story remains a mystery!!! [Top Host] Thank you angela, and now a story about local pigeons who only eat french fries...

Commercial: Available now, Brawndo Antifreeze, it's got electrolytes!!! [Heavy Voice] Warning, avoid skin contact at all times!!!

[Announcer] Tonight on Disturbed Animals, a cat in heat that was chased by feral dogs who lived to meow the story. Don't miss it!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your Host! [Top Host] Hi, good afternoon. We now have a special update, Angela, what can you tell us? [Angela] Well it seems that someone found a pair of Air Jordans that actually work, he jumped and went to outer space. Right now he is in orbit floating next to the deceased chicken. The chicken community refused to comment on this issue. [Top Host] Your stories never get old Angela, and now a story about a cow that knows algebra...

[Heavy Voice] Welcome to a sports update, here's your Host!!! [Top Host] Today a billionaire rented a professional race track and pitted two racers against each other. Angela, what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, since America has legalized smoking weed there have been many car crashes. Today there will be a race between a first time weed smoker and an expert weed smoker. The race is starting now and we are reporting live. The startshot sounds and they are off. Wait what, the first time smoker is barely moving forward. [Top Host] Angela, what is happening to the expert smoker? [Angela] Well, it seems he has disappeared into the distance and is no longer in sight. Right now I'm getting the message that the race has been canceled. The expert weed smoker had too big of an advantage. [Top Host] That's wonderful Angela, and now to an ice skater that is affraid of ice cream...

[Announcer] Good morning, welcome to Conspiracy Now! [Top Host] I won't delve into the subject myself, but here's a caller. [Caller] Yeah, hi, I wasn't able to take any photographs, but I swear I'm telling the truth!!! [Top Host] Well, what did you see? [Caller] Well, I saw several chickens enter a barn with what looks like space suits!!! [Top Host] Space suits??? [Caller] Yes, actual space suits. [Top Host] That's wonderful, just wonderful, and now a caller that says that chipmunks can do math...

[Announcer] Tonight on People Tonight, a person who identifies as a black man who was refused a job for being to white...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] Good evening everyone, tonight we will be discussing the Olympics once again, there have been made changes and Angela will tell you all  about it. Angela? [Angela] Well, it seems that after the Olympic tragedies relating to Helicopter Swordfighting and Harrier Jet Swordfighting, they have invented a new sport to replace these dangerous events. They now have switched to Jet Pack Swordfighting!!! [Top Host] That's fantastic Angela, and now a story about running cows that never realised that they were in a race...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your Host! [Top Host] Thank you, good afternoon. Today we have another story regarding chickens, Angela what can you tell us. [Angela] Well, it seems that chickens are advancing their space program. They refuse to comment and only reply with "Tok". [Top Host] We will update you as the story progresses, and now a story about a dog that loves lasertag shooting...

[Announcer] Here's an Emergency Update, here's your Host! [Top Host] We are breaking our regular programming to give you an update on a developing story, Angela? [Angela] Well it seems that a mouse has been caught by the police. It had 2 big black round ears and kept saying "I'm Mickey Mouse". The police has confiscated the cheese and the mouse is awaiting trial. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, and now an update on the chicken story...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, and here's your Host! [Top Host] Good evening, here we have a special story about magic, Angela, what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, it seems that a mental patient had escaped and kept saying I'm Harry Potter while swaying a twig around. He was then rehospitalized by local medical personell. [Top Host] That's intriguing Angela, we will update you as the story develops, and now a story about crawling babies that are beating up the elderly...

[Announcer] Emergency update, here's your Host! [Top Host] Good morning, welcome to this emergency update. Angela, what can you tell us? [Angela] Well it seems that chickens have taken the president of McDonalds hostage, in exchange for his life they are demanding that humanity releases the rooster. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, we will keep you updated as the story progresses...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your Host! [Top Host] Tragedy occurred today when a cow equipped with a flamethrower attacked a chicken research station in order to bring their space program to a halt. Angela? [Angela] Well, there's really not much to tell, all that is left is feathers and smoke. [Top Host] That sounds amazing Angela, and now we go to an interview with a cow that has a guilty conscience regarding the chicken massacre...

[Announcer] Tonight on Interesting People a elderly narcolaptic man who believes that he can time travel, don't miss it!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to Disturbed Animals, here's your Host! [Top Host] Good afternoon and welcome to Disturbed Animals, here's Angela with a story about monkeys. [Angela] Well, it seems that monkeys have mastered the art of speech. No improvement of intelligence, but they have reached a stage where they can upstage parrots. [Monkey] Polly wants a cracker!!! [Angela] I tried further communication with the monkeys with no avail. [Top Host] Thank you for tuning in to Disturbed Animals, see you next time!!!

[Announcer] Did you enjoy Disturbed Animals? Tune in next week for a homicidal pig with gold teeth!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] Today we have a story that might shock you, well not really but I have to keep it exciting. Angela what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, it seems that a local man has a fear of his own shadow and has installed too many lights. Many car crashes have happened the last few days and he refuses to turn them off. According to the police he isn't violating any laws at this moment. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, and now a story about a homeless man who found out he wasn't homeless after all...

[Announcer] Welcome to an Emergency News Update, here's your Host! [Top Host] Hi, before I start this story, lock your doors quickly!!! Angela? [Angela] Well, it seems that a mental patient has escaped a local insane asylum and has obtained a lead pipe. So far there have been no victims, because he wandered into the woods. Eye witnesses claim that the last thing he said was "I'm Conan the Barbarian"... [Top Host] Sorry Angela, we had to cut the footage. He unclothed himself before entering the woods and there are young viewers watching this show. And now a story about singing beetles that are recording covers of the Beatles...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your Host! [Top Host] Hi, good afternoon! Today we will continue the story about the chickens, Angela what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, it seems that the chickens have mastered metallurgy and are now proceeding to build space suits. Local farmer Joe declined to comment on the matter out of fear for chicken retaliation. [Top Host] Thank you for that insightful update Angela, we will be updating you as the story progresses. And now a story about Star Trek fans that are gathering on the Golden Gate Bridge...

[Announcer] Tonight, on The Crawling Dead Dick has to fight off zombies with hair extensions!!! Don't miss it!!!

[Announcer] Here's your Host with a Quick Update! [Top Host] The chicken that was in orbit has burnt up when entering the Earth's atmosphere. Angela, what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, I'm standing here with a group of people who watched the event with binoculars and caught a glimpse of the moment. Joe, what did you see? [Joe] Well, I was watching at the sky and there was nothing to see since chickens aren't visible at great distances. [Angela] What happened then? [Joe] The chicken corpse entered the atmosphere and was loaded with sidewinder missiles which exploded, I only saw a flash in the sky. [Top Host] Thank you Angela for giving us an update on the continueing chicken story. This was Quick Update, see you next time!

[Announcer] Tonight on Disturbed Animals, A retarded mentally deranged squirrel with anger issues. Don't miss it!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] A large explosion happened today, Angela what can you tell us about this developing story? [Angela] Well, it seems chickens have invented gunpowder and have exploded one of their settlements. No chicken was available for an interview because they all died in the explosion. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, that sounds wonderful. We now go to a story about a Yellow dung fly that does not like the smell of poop...

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[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, with your favorite Host! [Top Host] Good afternoon, welcome, do we have a story today. Chickens have invented rocketry and space suits. Angela, what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, it seems that chickens have evolved to a stage where they can travel into space. Their development of rockets was just a diversion as the Vulcans have already visited them and an alliance was formed. No chickens are available to comment on the situation, they only had this message: "Tok". NASA and Elon are concerned about this situation and have vowed that they will bring an and to chicken supremacy. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, this was News Today, see you next time!!

[Announcer] Good evening, welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] A confused trans racial man that believes he's a monkey has stolen a banana, Angela, what can you tell us about this? [Angela] Well, it seems that this confused, we will call it a monkey, has stolen a banana. The greengrocer had the following to say. I was just going about my business when a man who was scratching his armpits approached my fruit stand just outside my shop and looked me in the eye. I mean he really looked me in the eye. He then took a banana and ran away screaming weird monkey noises. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, and thank god that you weren't at the scene when it happened, and now a story about demented fags in wheelchairs that listen to rock music while playing the flute...

[Announcer] Tonight on Disturbed Animals we have a special on monkeys that are addicted to smoking. Don't miss it!!!

[Announcer] Here's an Emergency News Update!!! [Top Host] The rescue team was not able to save the banana, the monkey ate the banana!!! I repeat, the monkey ate the banana!!! [Announcer] We will now return to our regular program!!!

...srry...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your host! [Top Host] Hi, today I have a story about the Olympics, Angela? [Angela] Well, it seems that gold medals of the recent Olympics have been revoked after camera footage showed an explosion in the Long Jump Event. It's a mystery why no one saw the explosion during the match. [Top Host] That's intriguing Angela, and now a story about a cat that does math with it's tail...

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[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] Weird sounds were eminating from a nearby building, Angela, what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, it seems that a local occupant of a bungalow heard strange noises coming from a bungalow nearby. After a police investigation it turned out that a local lunatic likes to yawn extra loud giving the impression that jungle beasts are in the area!!! [Top Host] Amazing reporting Angela, and now we turn to a story of hope and dreams written by an ant...

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[Announcer] Emergency News Update, here's your host! [Top Host] Since easter has passed the bunnies no longer have anything to do, Angela? [Angela] Yes I'm here, thank you. We had reports about exploding bunnies, but now the situation has turned for the worse. One bunny has exploded and damaged a beaver dam beyond repair. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, there's more to this story and will be covered by our favorite animal program Disturbed Animals. Thank you for tuning in!!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your host! [Top Host] Today something different and there's no moment to spare. Angela? [Angela] Well, it seems more chickens have gone airborne and entered international space, here's the live feed of one of the pilots. [Delta Alpha Whiskey] I'm on an intercept course. Crossing the ocean, reporting in. Chicken in sight, I repeat chicken in sight. Getting a lock... chicken dropping flares, evading sidewinder missiles... help, I have a lock on... I'm pulling the Ejection seat handle... [Top Host] That sounds scary, I mean the continueing story about chickens. Stay tuned for more updates regarding the developing chicken story...

Commercial: Tonight on Disturbing Animals a gorilla that has severe anger issues and loves to play the banjo, don't miss it!!!

[Announcer] Emergency News Update!! [Top Host] The police, fire department and an ambulance arrived on the scene. Angela, what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, it seems that a local lunatic kept screaming the word "fire". Neighbours got scared and called every rescue service in the vicinity. They arrived after a few minutes and....tired...goodnight...?

[Announcer] Trans Fighters Extreme Turbo is out now on Switch, PS4 and XboxOne. "It is Ma'am" Order now!!!

[Announcer] Breaking News Update!!! [Top Host] Welcome, a local man has been put into a mental hospital after he had been diagnosed with ELD, Extreme Laughing Disorder. We will update you as the story progresses. And now to our regular program...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] Well it seems ELD isn't actually ELD, Angela what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, it seems that ELD isn't actually Extreme Laughing Disorder, but ELV and it's spreading like wildfire. It's Extreme Laughing Virus and there are already reports of a worldwide outbreak! [Top Host] Thank you angela that sounds splendid, and now a hyperactive puppy...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your Host! [Top Host] It seems there is a war going on between humanity and an ancient alien race that once invaded earth, here's Angela with the story. Angela? [Angela] Well, it seems that there is an ancient alien race on earth that has renounced got is currently being wiped out as we speak. [Top Host] Angela, that's super fantastic news!! And now we switch to a new breed of cows that have wings that can fly themselves to local butchers for slaughtery. Here's a local meatprocessor worker with some information. [Joe] They fly in, they die! [Top Host] And that was it for the news everybody, much love and tune in for the next show!!

[Announcer] Emergency News Update!! [Top Host] We now switch to Angela. [Angela] Well, it seems that ancient alien bodyparts are now being sold on the black market. [Top Host] That's  disgusting angela, they should burn those bodies. Thank you for tuning in to this Emergency News Update...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] The virus has mutated, I repeat, the virus has mutated! Angela? [Angela] Well, it seems ELV has mutated into EJV. This is a new strain and it is highly contagious. ELV which was Extreme Laughing Disorder has mutated into EJV, Extreme Joy Virus. We still don't know the full impact of this virus but people seem much happier. Local government has decided not to inocculate people against this new strain. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, and now a weird nature study. Watch out when you walk through the forrest, exploding bunnies everywhere, exploding bunnies everywhere!!! Thank you for tuning in!

[Announcer] Welcome, to Health News Tonight, here's our Host! [Angela] Welcome to Health News Tonight, tonight we delve into a serious health risk story about people using alien bodyparts for various reasons. Here's a Medical Expert. [Medical Expert] Yes, thank you Angela. It seems that people are using ancient alien bodyparts for various reasons. One for example is the freezedrying of ancient alien tissue and then sniff it. They claim it increases your libido, while in actuallity it does nothing but cloth up your nostrils and leaves a foul smell comparable to the eternal stench of rotting flesh and skin. [Angela] Thank you, were no deaths but people weren't happy with the smell.

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[Announcer] Emergency News Update!! [Top Host] Right now two more ancient aliens were killed for going against God, we will update you as the story progresses, oops make that 3...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's you... Sorry this one is for Seth, and now a spraypainter that sniffs glue and farts colors

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your Host! [Top Host] This story is getting weirder and weirder and might seem as conspiracy. Angela? [Angela] Well, it seems that another powerful ancient alien has died by the hands of God's Army and the earth is now a somewhat safer place. [Top Host] Thank you for this update, we will be continuening coverage of the story as it progresses. And now a beaver that is affraid of wood and has been excommunicated because he did not want to build a dam...

[Announcer] Welcome to Star Watch, here's your Host! [Top Host] Hi, every night stars come out at night, but that is not all. Angela what can you tell us? [Angela] Well, it seems that every time stars come out at night ancient aliens come down and wreak havoc. Luckily we have a defense team that takes care of it, soldier Mack, what can you tell us? [Soldier Mack] The aliens come from outer space, look up. Beyond the clouds, that's outer space. And when they attack we kill em with PSY Amp weapons from UFO Enemy Unknown. [Top Host] That's a weird story, we now swith to Pluto, is it a planet or a dog?

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[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] Welcome to tonight's show, tonight we have something different from usual. Angela is on location with the story. [Angela] Well, I'm standing here with a disgruntled gamer who is no longer able to play online because of popularity. [Gamer] Yeah, it's terrible. [Top Host] That sounds wonderful, just wonderful. And now a seagull that is affraid of the sea...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today with your favorite Host! [Top Host] Hi, good afternoon. Here's Angela with the story. [Angela] Well, it seems that a local man has casted too many incantations and is now depleted of energy, though we have no confirmation of this fact and will write it off as a conspiracy. [Top Host] Thank you Angela, yawn, and now a story about a mongoose married to a goose...

[Announcer] Welcome to a Emergency Update!! [Top Host] Angela? [Angela] Well it seems a gamer has been arrested for an extreme killstreak in Fortnite. [Top Host] That's amazing Angela, and now a quick update on the goose mongoose story, it seems they are incompatible to have children...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy News!! [Top Host] Hi, good evening, welcome. Today we have a special story about a secret revolution that saved the earth. It seemed that 2 powerfull people conspired to bring an end to the ancient alien occupation and saved the world. There are no further details as of yet. And now a story about a man in a blue dress and a red hat that claims to be an alien from outer space...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host! [Top Host] Hi, welcome to News Tonight, here's a local story about a local cafeteria, Angela? [Angela] Well, it seems that a local man went to a local cafeteria where he ordered french fries with mayonaise and sateh sauce. Which is called a french fries of war, he was sitting there and suddenly a crazed muslim started talking to him about how pig meat is nasty as hell. He was confused as he hadn't ordered any pig meat. [Top Host] That's hilarious Angela, thank you. And now a story about pigs that refuse to eat muslims because they claim they are unclean...

[Announcer] Welcome to Rumors Tonight, here's your Host! [Top Host] Tonight we bring you a special story about disappearing bananas and monkeys from space. Angela is here with the story. [Angela] Well it seems that countless bananas have been stolen by spacemonkeys and there are rumors that they have freed monkeys from zoo's and put them back into the wild. There were no monkeys available for commentary. [Top Host] That's interesting Angela, really interesting. And now a rumor about felines in heat...



?Yeah I know, thats a lot of text...

¦ I remember a time where people said I taLked too much, bet ya some now say I type too much ....   ?!????








hic¦ This is a public service announcement, Im not writing a book XD





Commercial: Now Available, Brawndo the thirst mutilator toilet cleaning solution, it's just regular Brawndo but it also cleans your toilet!!!




















 











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