Conspiracy Now, Olympic News & Commercial Break [072519-01]

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Top Host] Welcome and a good day to you all, you are truly the resistance at the forfront of liberating humanity from fruit terrorists, yes fruit terrorists have sprung up alongside those who use Genetically Engineered Housecats or GEH. Here's a caller:... [Conspiracy Caller] You see, these new terrorists are vegans and use explosive apples laced with a good amount of cinnamon. There are also rumors and reports of radio controlled pigeons pooping on those who venture outside in the cities. [Top Host] Amazing news and insight, thank you for your contribution to humanity, got any more. [Conspiracy caller] Well I've heard, but don't take it from me and do your own research. The UFOS are here to help. YES, the UFOS are here to help. United Federation Of Squirrels. They seem to be armed with fully automatic pine cones that can penetrate kevlar body armor. [Top Host] Now this is some reality shattering news. And now we switch to a story about a dyslectic illiterate housecat writing a novel in secret in order to undermine our local government and sabotage the local catnip supply...

[Announcer] Now in store, planks, wooden planks, long hard wooden planks!!! Hard wooden polished painted planks that can withstand any type of weather. Only 15.99 per plank. [Sexy Female Voice] Supply is limited, get your long hard wooden plank today...

[Announcer] Welcome to Olympic News, here's your host! [Top Host] Welcome this evening and we are going straight to the story at hand. Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] The people here at the stadium are as pale as you, that's a new one. The Olympic event involving fully automatic machineguns turned out to bloody and most of the spectators are seeking professional help. [Top Host] That's wonderful Chaniqua, just wonderful and now we switch to a story about a lepper turning rapper...

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