News Today [072619-02]

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your host!! [Talon] Welcome to the news, today we will be covering sports. It seems that American Football is no longer allowed to be called that, because it uses the name football according to SFI, Sports Fanatics International. Which is a terrorist group armed with nukes. Since handball is off the table we will now be using purse snatcher ball, because it just looks like that. [Chaniqua] Yes, I'm here on the scene, sir what do you have to say for yourself? [Professional Purse Snatcher Football Player] Well, I used to look like a total athlete, today I appear as a lowlife criminal. [Chaniqua] Sad, sad indeed. [Talon] Almost brings a tear to my eye, your reporting that is. And now we switch to a story about rabid rabbits rapping...

 [Female Announcer] Out now, Homeless Care Package, or HCP like we like to call it. Order Now only 13.99. [Very Fast Discaimer Male Voice] It's only 2 days of food and a cardboard box coated in plastic, but at the end of the day you felt you did something good. Provided to you by the feelgoodinside foundation.

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