Talon's Humor

[Announcer] This documentary has been cancelled, Jimmy is again in the hospital recovering from a near fatal injury, please stay tuned!! [Announcer] Instead we will be airing a classic special called Chipmunks, The Danger Lurking In The Trees. [Narrator] It was a dark day for humanity when this particular species of Hamster... [Cameraman] Did you just say Hamster? [Narrator] Sorry, my belly and mind is still full of McHamsters... You see, this particular Hamster discovered the technology of fire and iron ore processing and is now making spears. Scientists believe that the Hamster will become a space faring race within 235 years. Truly amazin isn't it, it looks just like a cute little hamster... honeyglazed... Sorry I was drifting off again, they really put the enhancer in flavour enhancers... Anyway, this looks just like a cute little hamster, but is in reality so much more... This program will continue after the break... [Female TV Voice] Don't you just love honey glazed h...

[Announcer] Welcome to Conspiracy Now, here's your host!! [Top Host] Last night a firearm exploded. This happened after one person attached C4 to it with a detonator, our female reporter is on the scene... [Officer Pete] "Yeah I was standing here, right here. Added C4 to my pistol and threw it into the hallway" [Female Reporter] This is what he said. [Female Reporter] And then what happened? [Officer Pete] "well I pushed the detonator... I still don't know why it exploded..." [Talon] People, it seems we have another mystery on our hands, not just GEH's, but also regular firearms are prone to explode. Remember people, you make up our nation's demographic, so you are in charge. Take the reigns of power and take action, because, You, Are, The, Resistance... After the commercial break we will be delving into the subject called occult poop, does your doodoo really tell you whether you are healthy or not, find all about it after the commercial break... [...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Sit down people, are you sitting, good. Do I have a story for you. The government will now litterally nickle and dime people to death in the wake of a local sports riot, blood in the streets is expected. The local government has developped fully automatic weapons that fire nickles and dimes. Chaniqua is at the scene, Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Hi, good evening, I'm standing here next to officer Wannashoot, he claims he's indian. [Wannashoot] You see those looters out there, I'm going to shoot them [Chaniqua] Chaniqua signing off as things become violent over here. [Talon] Did you see, did you see. Did you see the tear in the left eye of Captain Wannashoot Lottapeople, truly a compasionate man. And now we switch to a story about regular housecats mating with GEH's (Genetically engineered housecats), the situation is getting explosive, stay tuned!!!...

[Announcer] Welcome to Special Documentary Inside Access, here's your host. [Talon] Welcome to SDIA, you might know me from News Today or News Tonight, but in tonights special episode of SDIA we will be covering catapults. Jimmy, would you get on there for a minute. [Jimmy] Only a minute sir. [Talon] Yes, Jimmy, only a minute... *Jimmy gets on catapult* [Talon] Good Jimmy, stay relaxed as I pull this lever... *Jimmy is launched and crashes in the distance* [Talon] Thank you Jimmy, see kids this is why you don't get onto catapults... [Female Announcer] Remember your pet hamster named cinnamon? Well you can enjoy both right now... [Pushy Chinese AD Woman] Hamster with cinnamon, we sell, you buy, buy now. Call 1-800-HAMSTER or order online at www.fookyoo.local, remember, Fook Yoo!!

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Today someone farted and made a GEH prematurely explode and save our local leader [Local Leader] Yes, yes, I can still remember the smell [Chaniqua] The smell of the dynamite I presume? [Local Leader] No, no, it was the smell of his fart that alerted me and signaled me to drop on to the floor as I fainted. I remember him saying... [AK Wielding Gangster] Don't sue me for this but my farts are like dynamite. [Chaniqua] Do you have any idea what primed and detonated the cat? [AKWG] You mean the moment I threw that meowing furball against the wall a minute ago? I have no idea. [Talon] There you have it people, he has no idea. And now we switch to a story about jetpack grandma, how high will she fly, how hard will she crash, see it all after this commercial break. [Announcer] Stay tuned, don't miss it!!! [Soundbite] Yeah I took the full blast of the smell, it smelled like, like hell... [Announcer] More on ...

[Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Do we have a scoop for you!! Today a MegaLegoManiac built a tank out of Lego, Chaniqua has the details. [Chaniqua] Apparently, he said he was inspired by Mad Max, especially the Mad part since he buily his tank out of scrap metal... He loaded a live shell and fired it at city hall, many people died. [Talon] That's amazing reporting, less amazing was the bodycount, only 15 people died. And now we switch to a positive story about a paraplegic cat that has learned to walk again after buying an uzi. An Uzi is a fast firing automatic weapon, more on this after the commercial break... [Announcer] Now available, the hamstercooker 2000, get your hamster cooked in 2 minutes, the hamster loves to work fast and so do we!!! Call 1-800-HAMSTER,[Chinese AD Man] 1-800-FOOKYOO or order at www.fookyoo.local, remember, Fook Yoo!! [Announcer] Are you homeless and looking for a roof over your head? [Chinese AD MAN] We sell ...

GF, GF, you've always wanted to try deer, my won't try some now? [GF] What dear, want me to eat something that was all splattered accross the road. I want that old deer Mr/ Farmington has, he said he was going to euthanize it within two weeks... Oh how long has it been since I last ate meat Marjory [WIFES NAME], You mean when you last ate meat... honey please Im a vegan now, now tell me, when did I last ate meat... [Marjory] You mean last night when you said please hand me the porkchops at the dinner table... Ackbar, Ackbar, wherez the manualz for the infidels... Hackmar, Hackmar, they're next to the SDIA video tape, that docu on explosives came in very handy' Honey I went to hell and back when I came from the living room... darling, did you see mr opabopalous in his underpants again when he was picking up his newspaper... opabopalous, next door neighbour. A real old scool greek imigrant, of whatever that entails... hates wearing clothes, works as an internet consul...