Episode 8 uncensored, unedited, of newsaholicuniverse

 Hello, dear reader, the following content has not been edited since 2019, please enjoy...

♪ I don't care about history, to me it's all a mystery [Caitlyn 12]
♪ I only worry about my homework tomorrow, it feels my brain with sorrow [Jack 14]
♪ Don't worry about things like tomorrow, say is there some money I can borrow [Mark 16]
♪ Ohwell you silly cat tell me more about life ♪ Don't worry I'll do after I finish off my wife [Geffrey] (The dad)
♪ Why the hell am I the last one that gets to speak, If I were a bird I would would peck you to death [Marjory] (The mom)
♪ Hey wait a minute this show isnt about silly old me, its about us humanity being what they could be [Rupert] (Cat]

Rupert, Rupert, what are you watching, oh just some cooking show with hamsters... ...and now we drizzle the hamster with honey... put News Today on, it's supposed to go on right now... *Zap* ...remember, Fook Yoo!! [Announcer] Welcome to News Today, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Welcome welcome to the one and only real news on the planet, this is News Today and I Talon am your host. Chaniqua is at the scene, let's go to her... [Chaniqua] Yeah this is Chaniqua reporting from the local zoo, there is supposed to be an alien sighting. [Black Zookeeper attendant] Hey Chaniqua, allways nice to see a sister. [Chaniqua] I hear ya brother... [Black Zookeeper Attendant] You see lady Chaniqua, I have seen the alien with my 2 vert own eyes. You see that over there, that's the alien... [Chaniqua] People we don't normally do this but we are approaching the alien... It's looking straight at us and is showing us it's teeth... still approaching, hey wait a minute that's a monkey with a blonde wig and lipstick. This is no alien, someone call animal control. [Talon] Thank you for that intrueging report, apparently someone found it funny to put lipstick and a blonde wig on a monkey at the zoo. And here's the weather. [Weather Announcer] Yeah we rarely report on the weather but we're on alert level chihuahua. Anything the size of a Chihuahua or smaller shouldn't be taken outside, there are heavy windgusts all through our local area. If you can still carry your dog, don't take it outside. [Talon] Thank you for the weather report, that was it for News Today, see you next time folks!! [Announcer] Later in Disturbed Animals, when monkeys go trans species...

[Geffrey] You heard that rupert, someone found it funny enough to put a wig and lipstick on a monkey, who on earth would have thought of that. [Rupert] I have absolutely no idea...

[Sexy Female Announcer] Now at McHamsters, deliciously barbequed Hamster Souflaki. Deliciously marinated Hamsters on a stick served with salad and Tzatziki yoghurt dipping sauce. Eat at our restaurants for the best experience...

[Rupert] Caitlyn, Jack, Mark, get into the family car, Rupert is treating you all tonight... What about mom and dad? You mean geffrey and marjory, they still have those coupons for the all you can eat place at Central Street. He can have his steak with peppersauce and she'll have the tomato soup and roasted salmon as usual, don't these 2 ever try something new. We're going to try something new... Somekind of Greek dishes. I don't know where the country is but the lady in the commercial sure made it sound like something I'd eat. That's because there's hamsters in it, hamsters are cute, I'll be taking a salad thank you. I'm losing you Caitlyn aren't I. Yes you are, in the last two months I have seen 5 documentaries about Hamsters and their living conditions and that makes me sad... They do have the Tuna Bite you know, the crispy tunaburger, succulent on the inside, crispy on the outside. With a layer of mozzarella cheese... You like that don't you Cait? Yeah I'll go for the Tuna, McHamsters does have a certified safe fishing trophy so I guess that's okay.

[Rupert to Geffrey] One of my main rules in life is to prepare for the evitable, because everything is evitable. Don.'t you mean inevitable... No you put the in before it to make it a negative, like incoherent. Okay, now you're being incoherent... What?... What... Never mind I forgot where I was going with this.. Let's go watch TV again... *Zap*

Tonight on Ratman and the Boy wondering where his underpants have gone, an all new adventure below the belt, Don't miss it!!!

[Rupert] I know where his underpants went... [Geffrey] Pssst, Caitlyn's in the room... [Rupert] Never mind what I said, how was school today? [Cait] It was fun Rupert, I got to make a piece of art out of macaroni.... [Rupert] That reminds me, McHamsters has a spaghetti special with macaroni... [Geffrey] Don't say that to Caitlyn anymore, she has gone vegetarian because of the Hamster shortage...




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Rupert, what are you doing? Oh hey Caitlyn, I'm writing a rap song, making a demo for Dee Troit Records. Okay here I go... ♪ You can hate me meow, I won't stop meow, you can hate me meoooooooowow. You have never seen a kitty like me ever in your life and that's what you can't understand meow... [Caitlyn] Why are you writing a song for Dee Troit Records? Adolph asked me to make a demo he likes the cat within me, though he says I'm more like his dog which kinda confuses me. I'm a cat meow, not a dog.

It's like this and like that meow, can y'all hear me meow? Yo Rudolph... hey adolph... are you rapping and recording... yeah I'm trying to put something together, something meow and fresh... Sounds good my dog... I'm a cat, but I'll be your dog if that helps, I could use some help getting out there... Why don't you write a demo and record it in my studio? OMG Hitler, that would be so awesome... I'll get on it right away...


Take a look at this aquarium people, this is water. It is wet and it is blue. Wait a minute, is water blue, will someone look up the color of water. But sir water is transparent//scrap

Tonight on Star Exploration Universe "We're almost out of air, I don't think we're going to make it... At least you had McHamsters today, I had nothing... Tonight on Channel One, Star Exploration Universe, sponsored by McHamsters...

Today a can filled with soda exploded when a truck flattened it when it ran over it... That wasn't newsworthy at all. Except, the exploding beverage splattered all o....scrapp

TQ You kitty's better don't meow with me, meowmeow I'm coming back

Random card shuffling in games is not like the real deal... when you normally shuffle it's randomized parts of what you have played before, that's why I like Card games so much in real life... you mean like the time you made me ate a card covered in honey... no sorry, that was just me being sadistic... cards have almost no calories... hey maybe theyre fit for a weight losing diet.. You know, eat 2 cards, lose some carbs...

Thank you for choosing McHamsters! Enjoy your meal, great now I dont have to just eat it, but I have to enjoy it as well, THANK Youuuuuu. Sir are you being sarcastic. Mam, I don't even know what sarcastic is, but if it's about my food. Then Yes I have complaints.. These hamsters are dry roasted and I requested succulent and juicy, do you see the problem we're having and no I'm not being sarcastic. Rupert calm down, it's just McHamsters... Just McHamsters, answer me this, in which other restaurant can I enjoy Hamsters??! Children, what's the difference between a Hamster Meal and a Happy Box? The Hamster Meal comes with a cheat memory stick for the Ultra Homeconsole Pro (Name Pending), I still need the F1 car from Bran Lurismo IV and this dinner will bring me closer to it... I want a Happy Box, Jack a Happy Box will not make you happy, maybe it's about time you really trained for Email of Victory instead of using those micro transactions. And remember you don't have any allowance any more this month so you better grind your ass off if you want to stay relevant...

You fucked up bitch ass nigga... hey, I find the ass part offensive

Sometimes it's hard to find all the facts, at those moments watch how the person acts....
*slap slap*... Honey what are you watching? Some mexican soap opera, oh boy do they love violence... I have some violence for you tonight honey... oh dear, I really should stop watching these shows, they sure do fire you up... I don't need firing up, I need the stone cold f... Oh hey Caitlyn, since when did you enter the room... Right after fire you up, what do you mean by that dad? Well, uhh, Family we're having a barbeque today, Jack why don't you fire it up. Mark likes to exagurate things, a bbq fire does need to be 6 feet talll... The coals will do their work just fine... Daddy, daddy, don't forget to put the chicken bits in the vacuum jar with added garlic and ketjap... Mark: Yeah dad, and since you're going to the grocery store, don't forget the Whiskey Cocktail Sauce. It is pertinent that you do not forget it, I mean, we can go without french bread and melted cheeses but if you forget the Whiskey Cocktail Sauce I'll never forgive you...

Ever tried mussles without Whiskey Cocktail Sauce? I have a friend that has had this, without Whiskey Cocktail Sauce it tastes like ass, like a mussles ass, you keep chewing it and chewing it and the taste don't change. That's where the Whiskey Cocktail Sauce comes in, it let
s get you past that ocean smell and taste...

Why do we have brown, black, red or white skin when water is blue and the human body is comprised of 80% water... See this people, this is water, it's blue people don't you get it, it's blue... Hey that's my blueberry lemonade... Oops, that's why I always say do your own research my fellow Datawar compagnions... Well there you have it people, water isn't blue, it's colorless... Doctor X, people will still believe water is blue, therefore we at our medical lab are infusing water with blue food coloring. You can order it at our website www.bluewater.com or call 1-800-BLUEWATER... You can order it by the gallon. You see when you drink blue water which your mind associates with regular water you get hydrated and it's key for your health to stay hydrated.

You see, I'm putting back the meow into meowmeow. It's really simple you make a meow and right after that you make another meow, which results in a meowmeow. Don't be fooled, the meowmeowmeow is much much harder, almost impossible but I can pull it off, listen. Meowmeowmeow, see?

When I'm meowing I'm actually meowing you meow what I mean... For every meow there's another meow, you have to see things with your own eyes

People, it seems we have an actual FBI in our country, the FBLI it's the Federal Bureau of Local Investigation.... What happened to the police and their so called detective work, now we need a secret local govt agency as well... No I don't need help finding the sugar, it's two cúpboards to the right... what the hell is there to do locally, I mean I have never seen them help an old lady cross the street and that's our main problem over here...

I think Rupert has Negro Itis, he's sounding like a black person. That's No Negroitis, that is rupert working on his rap album... something something aboút getting street cred and sounding black, i don't clearly remember...